Everything Else, Features — August 3, 2011 at 3:01 am

FEATURE: CASTING THE INEVITABLE CHEERS MOVIE

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In the spirit of movies no one ever wanted to see like The Beverly Hillbillies, Leave it to Beaver, and George of the Jungle, I can’t help but think of the inevitability that the studio execs of tomorrow, no doubt at a loss for original material, will be more than happy to dig into the archives of 80s and 90s television for ideas.

The question: if you were a casting agent and were asked to put together the ensemble for a Cheers flick to be released in the near future, who would you pick?

Keep in mind the relative profile and importance of the project. Brad Pitt as Sam Malone? Jessica Alba as Rebecca? Not a chance in hell. Also, while physical resemblances to the original characters may be nice, they are by no means a necessity or a prerequisite.

Okay, enough foreplay. I present to you the cast of Cheers: The Movie. Note: since I’m a bigger fan of the later years and I can’t stand Shelley Long, we’ll be looking at the Woody/Rebecca years rather than the Coach/Diane years, though I have nothing against Coach. He was just as good as Woody, just in a different way.

Sam Malone
Playboy. Former alcoholic. Former crappy pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. Witty. Prone to bantering with the “leading lady” of the day. Those are some tough shoes to fill, and while his American-accented roles haven’t been the best representation of his work, Colin Farrell sure does have a lot of traits in common with Malone. I found this the toughest role to cast, which is unfortunate since he’s the lead. It’s also unfortunate that Kevin Costner is 56, because he’d be the best choice. Hell, if you mash up some of his previous characters, he’s practically already played Sam.
Alternate: Nathan Fillion

Rebecca Howe
Recall, if you will, a time long ago. A time when (shock!) Kirstie Alley was considered beautiful. Yes friends, it’s true – once upon a time, Alley played a sexy Vulcan in a Star Trek flick. Then in just a few years, she was cast as the romantic lead opposite Danson after Long’s departure. Rebecca was troubled, to say the least. Easily flustered, prone to crying bouts, but with a quick wit and a penchant for rich guys. Although maybe not as good of a sparring partner with Sam as Diane was, she made up for it with better chemistry. Christa Miller, vet of The Drew Carey Show and Scrubs has shown excellent versatility over her career, playing both the girl-next-door and the vampy bitch with equal aplomb.
Alternate: Selma Blair

Norm Peterson
See, the trouble with lovable fat guys is that they’re fat. As such, many of them die young. John Candy. Chris Farley. John Belushi. Well, my pick for resident stool man Norm just might die young, too. In fact, the odds for “Might” have been taken off the board in Vegas. If Artie Lange lives past 50, it just might be a sign that hell has frozen over. Still, since he’s still alive, he makes a pretty decent pick for Norm. Who doesn’t love Artie? Now if only he can remain sober enough to play a drunk…
Alternate: Horatio Sanz?

Cliff Claven
Who better to play Norm’s best friends than a guy that’s played Artie Lange’s best friend many a time (I believe the two are good friends in real life)? As a bonus/element of confusion, the guy playing Cliff could be named Norm! Aside from being a US postal worker, Claven was the in-house know-it-all (or perhaps, know nothing) at Cheers, and Norm McDonald can certainly pull of being a blowhard, as evidenced by nothing less than his ability to impersonate Larry King with precision.
Alternate: Stephen Root

Carla Tortelli
I had some trouble with this role as well. No offense to Rhea Perlman, but I’m sure she knows she’s not a terribly attractive woman. And, believe it or not, Hollywood is generally not in the business of making stars of unattractive people (especially women). Thus, the pool of available “name” actresses available to play an Italian barmaid with a mouth like a sailor and a penchant for sleazy husbands isn’t all that deep. My first choice, Aida Turturro (The Sopranos) is more of a natural pick; the alternate is a wild card that I think just might be inspired.
Alternate: Wanda Sykes

Frasier Crane
Aside from a perhaps too-obvious choice of David Hyde Pierce here, I don’t think there’s a better choice to play the stuffy, snobby psychiatrist than Neil Patrick Harris.
Alternate: Thomas Haden Church

Woody Boyd
Woodrow Tiberius Boyd was a young hayseed that came to Cheers fresh from Hanover, Indiana, where he was voted the smartest student in school. As such, an actor that’s good looking that can play dumb (and hopefully can look it as well) is required. While I know you might be thinking Paul Walker right now (who wouldn’t), I just don’t think he has any comedic chops in him, whereas James Franco, fresh from comedic roles in Your Highness and Pineapple Express, looks to have it in him. He’s not a bad actor, either, which is more than Walker can say.
Alternate: Owen Wilson

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Author: Sometimes when I wake up in the morning Mr. McCracken's already there.

25 Comments

  • Reply
    David Graham August 3, 2011 4:12 am

    Does the actor playing Frasier HAVE to have 3 names?

  • Reply
    Rich August 3, 2011 7:08 am

    Eh, I dunno, I could see Reese Witherspoon as Diane and Alan Arkin as Coach…

  • Reply
    Nick August 3, 2011 7:25 am

    Isn’t this an old Blog Cabins article?

  • Reply
    Jason August 3, 2011 8:42 am

    This is some great casting right here! I’m just left to wonder what the movie would be about, since the show was really about nothing (Much like “Seinfeld”). I suppose it’d probably be about the bar shutting down or getting robbed or some shit.
    -Jason

    • Reply
      Dylan
      Twitter:
      August 3, 2011 9:24 am

      Thanks, Jason! Though, I can’t say that I’ve ever heard the show compared to Seinfeld in that way before. Always felt like a traditional sitcom to me, full of zany antics and plots. The movie would possibly hinge upon Sam being given another crack at the major leagues and his trouble making a decision between going for the fortune and glory once more or staying at his beloved bar with his friends and love interest(s). Thrown in a rivalry with that other bar and maybe something with one of Carla’s ex-husbands and you’ve got a flick.

  • Reply
    Wayne
    Twitter:
    August 3, 2011 10:44 am

    Colin Farrell is a great choice for Sam especially since Costner is too old. I’m far from a Norm MacDonald fan, but him playing Cliff could redeem him in my eyes.

    I can’t believe you’d even consider casting Horatio Sanz as the lovable Norm. Ugh. I’d forego Artie Lang in favor of your Claven alternate, Stephen Root. Root is superb at being the lovable lug. Here’s a few other alternates to consider.

    Sam – Patrick Wilson or Mark Ruffalo (either could also run for Frasier)
    Carla – Michelle Rodriguez (yes, I’m biased)
    Woody – Ryan Kwanten (for the True Blood fans)
    Coach – Brian Cox or, and I know he’s a big name but… Geoffrey Rush

    • Reply
      Dylan
      Twitter:
      August 3, 2011 12:45 pm

      In the right project and context, I love Norm. He’s just rarely in either of those, and his star has fallen, if not completely burned out. He’d be an unlikely choice, I admit.

      Hey – there was a question mark after “Sanz.” Artie is just such a perfect choice, I just didn’t have a solid backup. Maybe that lovable (?) lug Kevin James would finally find a role that suited him… Much as I love Root, I don’t see him at all in the Norm role.

      I don’t like Wilson for Frasier (too bland), but I do like Ruffalo potentially for either, and Wilson could make a really solid Sam, too.

      Michelle Rodriguez is a tremendous pick for Carla! Pissed I didn’t think of that one. I’ll bump her to first and keep Wanda Sykes as my backup and ditch Turturro altogether. I might have been going too close to ‘type’ there with the Italian business – plus, she’s probably too old now anyhow.

      Not a TB fan…no idea who that guy is.

      I could see Cox for Coach, but Rush…not so much. That guy’s too damn smart to play a dummy.

      • Reply
        Wayne
        Twitter:
        August 3, 2011 1:19 pm

        I did see the question mark. I’d give Kevin James about an ounce more preference than Sanz for the role. Can’t believe you can’t get behind Root, tsk tsk. What about Cedric the Entertainer, assuming the director could keep him reigned in?

        I do admit I’d prefer NPH or Ruffalo over Wilson for Frasier. Saw him more for Sam.

        Glad you approve of M-Rod. I consider myself her unofficial promoter.

        Ryan’s Jason Stackhouse is Woody squared. He nails the simple country boy routine on TB.

        I have no doubt Rush could play a dummy, he’s that good. He’s just so recognizable now it’s hard to lose him behind his characters.

        • Reply
          Nick August 3, 2011 2:29 pm

          I do agree that Ryan Kwanten could pull off the Woody role pretty dang well.

          As for Cedric the Entertainer… there’s just one very *little* issue with him taking the role…

          • Dylan
            Twitter:
            August 3, 2011 3:24 pm

            What’s the issue, Nick?

            Wayne, I guess I just don’t see Root fitting into that lovable lug type of character. He can do a hell of a lot – he’s one of the more versatile guys out there, and unheralded for it, too – but that I can’t quite envision.

            Now, Rush for Frasier, and I’m on board with that. It’s outside the box, but I could definitely see him as a know-it-all type.

          • Nick August 3, 2011 3:56 pm

            It was supposed to lead into a joke, but you didn’t take the bait. Anyway, I just don’t think Cedric is, well, all that entertaining. But to be fair, I haven’t seen him in much.

          • Nick August 3, 2011 4:57 pm

            Oh sure, NOW you take the bait.

          • Wayne
            Twitter:
            August 4, 2011 6:49 am

            I find Cedric pretty funny and he can play quiet and lovable. Unfortunately, a lot of times he’s cast as bumbling and obnoxious. I thought of him more for the similar build and charisma of Norm. I can totally envision him hiding out from Vera at the bar and all the banter he and Woody could have about that.

  • Reply
    Kaiderman
    Twitter:
    August 3, 2011 3:52 pm

    I think this is a great post because I am equally enfuriated by some of your picks as much as I think others are awesome. What’s next? I may want in on this.

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