FEATURE: CASTING THE INEVITABLE (AND RECENTLY ANNOUNCED) POLICE ACADEMY REMAKE

Let’s face it… like it or not, Hollywood is in the remake/reboot business. With the economy in the crapper, studios just feel safer putting their money into a film with a built in following. If they’re going to do it anyway, we here at M.I.L.F. figure we might as well get our two cents in.

Now, we had planned on writing this article for a while but it just so happens that this project was just officially announced a couple weeks back. As you know, this feature was created for the site by my partner (Co-Founder: Dylan Fields). I thought it was great and had been wanting to do one for awhile. Police Academy was my first choice because (a) I knew a remake was probably inevitable and (b) I am a HUGE (!!!!) Police Academy fan. I could just as easily have written an editorial on how precious this franchise is and how perfect it is being what it was… a couple of 80s classics with some forgettable yet still enjoyable sequels. Instead, I’ve come to realize that it’s hardly a precious commodity. Hell, I even think it’s a good candidate for a remake. So, I’d rather offer my opinion on how to make it better.

Now, I’ve limited this to what I think are the main characters. I’ve omitted a few characters (like Leslie Barbara) who were in the first film but not that important to the franchise as a whole. However, I have included a couple of characters from the sequels that I think are staples of the franchise. I’m also basing this on the idea that this will be a true remake and not some convoluted reimagining or distant sequel where Mahoney drops his kid off at the academy to follow in his footsteps. That all having been said, let’s get it on…

CAREY MAHONEY.

If I had to pick the perfect Mahoney, I’d probably go with Ryan Reynolds. After all, Mahoney is essentially Van Wilder. However, I don’t think would take this role at this point in his career so I’ll put him down as an altenate. Instead, I’m going to go with SNL’s modern-day Phil Hartman: Jason Sudeikis. He’s got the looks and charm, he can pull off the straight aspects of the character but he’s also got that sarcasm to pull off a proper Mahoney.

If he’s not available:
* Ryan Reynolds
* Jason Bateman
* Paul Rudd
* Joel McHale

COMMANDANT ERIC LASSARD.

George Gaynes was a lovable old man. Just ask Punky Brewster. He’d be a hard one to replace. In fact, the only name that pops directly into my mind is Lloyd Bridges who does a very similar character in Airplane! The character of Lassard may have been suffering from early onset Alzheimers or was possibly just a dumb man. Either way we need a lovable older gentleman who can pull off that whole being oblivious thing while not coming across as a total idiot. For me, the choice is simple and it’s an extremely underrated comedic actor: Richard Jenkins.

If he’s not available:
* Craig T. Nelson
* James Cromwell

LT. THADDEUS HARRIS/ COMMANDANT MAUSER.

I’m not sure which character they’ll use for the villain in this remake or if they’ll just invent a new one. Doesn’t really matter. All this film needs is an antithesis to Lassard. A powerful figure within the academy that wants Lassard’s job and will use his cadets as a means to his downfall. Oh, he’s also just got to be a dick. My choice: John Goodman.

If he’s not available (or more than likely turns down the offer):
* Brian Cox (His contract to be in every Hollywood movie released apparently ended in 2008 but he’d still be a good get)
* Kevin Spacey
* Danny DeVito (My “so weird it might just work” choice)
* Kevin Pollack

LARVELL JONES.

Time for the million dollar question… how do you remake the character of Jonesy? Jones was popular for two reasons. (1) He was Mahoney’s partner in crime and (2) he made really cool sound effects with his mouth. That’s lightning in a bottle that you can’t necessarily harness again. Not sure you can take the same path with this character but if you want something similar, how about an impressionist: Jay Pharoah.

If he’s not available (or you want more of a traditional sidekick for Mahoney):
* Donald Glover
* Pablo Francisco (great with sound effects though I’m not sure Larvell Jones would be a name you’d stick with)

EUGENE TACKLEBERRY.

Tackleberry is the type of guy who had a fully fortified Y2K shelter. The kind of guy who wants to become a cop so he can shoot someone legally. A kind of guy who sleeps with his gone but not for a feeling of safety (if you know what I mean). When I think of Tackleberry, I am always reminded of Dwight from The Office. If you get rid of the whole Dutch farmer/ office worker thing, he essentially is Tackleberry. So: Rainn Wilson.

If he’s not available:
* Danny McBride (the only guy I’m using twice on this list)
* Sean William Scott

MOSES HIGHTOWER.

In the original films, Hightower was played by ex-NFL player Bubba Smith. A gigantic man who could off being both an intimidating Hulk of a man as well as a lovable teddy bear. I think the choice on this one is pretty obvious (though I’ve got some solid back-ups): Michael Clarke Duncan.

If he’s not available:
* Ving Rhames (Not tall enough but could pull off everything else the character needs)
* Brock Lesnar (If you want to go the whole Hulk of an athlete turned actor route)
* Terry Crews (My guess for most likely to get cast)

SGT. DEBBIE CALLAHAN.

My main quota for filling this spot… BOOBS! Callahan was a sexy instructor at the Academy but there wasn’t much else to the character. They could easily cast her young but I think I’ll stick with the older, sultry vixen aesthetic. My first choice: Jennifer Coolidge.

If she’s not available:
* Julianne Moore (It could happen)
* Jennifer Tilly (She still acts, right?)
* Kim Cattrall (it would be nice to see someone from the original film return)
* Jane Lynch

LAVERNE HOOKS.

Hooks is a pretty simple character. She has to be a mousy little women with the capability of kickin’ some ass when the time comes. She also has to be able to yell “Don’t move, Dirtbag!” Many of you may not know my first choice but I assure you that this may be the role she was born to play. She’s a character actor from shows like Scrubs and Raising Hope and one half of the comedy singing group Garfunkel & Oates: Kate Micucci.

If she’s not available:
* Maria Bamford
* Charlyne Yi

And now for a couple of characters from the sequels that I’d love to see them use:

SGT. PROCTOR.

Proctor is one of my favorite characters in the franchise. He’s basically an ass kissing bad guy but only because, in my opinion, he’s too dumb to realize he’s batting for the wrong team. The guy I want to see walking into the Blue Oyster Bar is: Charlie Day (he and Sudeikis seem to have a contract clause requiring them to be in almost every movie they do together anyway)

If he’s not available:
* Ed Helms
* Joe Lo Truglio
* Thomas Lennon

ZED.

Nobody can pull of the 1980′s Bobcat Goldthwait thing. Hell, even Bobcat himself gave it up decades ago. The character needs to be reinvented but maintain a ridiculous quirk about him. Personally, I’d love to see an effeminate take on the character played by the go to funny man these days: Zack Gallifinakis.

If he’s not available:
* Ken Jeong (Yeah, I see the Hangover connection)
* Danny McBride