Rock of Ages didn’t exactly set the box office on fire this past weekend, but it did experience another type of burning sensation. A recent medical screening of the film revealed that the hair metal musical has contracted gonorrhea. Theater chains and movie patrons across the nation are being told that there is no cause for alarm because although gonorrhea is slightly painful, it is still one of the “mostly treatable” STDs around. The diagnosis can likely be attributed to the onscreen actions of sleazy 80′s rock singer Stacee Jaxx and his groupie minion sex entourage. To avoid a public relations nightmare, New Line Cinemas has come up with a plan that will educate the handful of people who still wish to see Rock of Ages about the dangers of STDs while at the same time giving them a healthier viewing experience.
Dr. Leo Spaceman (pronounced spa-chem-in) has been working alongside New Line to help the studio deal with this very serious problem and still maximize the film’s grosses. “There is a danger of audiences getting the STD through osmosis while watching Tom Cruise act like a filthy 80′s androgynous rocker, but we feel we’ve nipped that problem in the bud with my invention of the cine-lactic viewing shield,” the good doctor stated confidently. “The cine-lactic while not 100% effective should be able to combat the spread of the disease if used responsibly. Film goers can find them in their local pharmacies or just buy them for a significantly marked up price at the concession stand of their local theater. They come in all different sizes, shapes, and colors so everyone can look fantastic in their cine-lactic! It’s my job to allow you to enjoy the decadence of 80′s metal, booze, drugs, and groupie sex with little or no worries!”
It’s bad enough that Rock of Ages appears to be a box office flop, but now New Line has to deal with being the first studio to have a film classified as a health hazard on its resume as well. Audiences should skip the extra butter and just sprinkle penicillin on their popcorn while watching this one!