It’s been quite the year for Taylor Kitsch. First, he bombed the box office with the stink of John Carter. Then, pretending that wasn’t enough, he flooded theaters with the naval nasty that was Battleship. Sensing ulterior motives on the part of the model-turned-actor, I sat down with Kitsch while he wasn’t busy crapping all over our summer movie season to ask him why he hates me and my love of cinema.
Right off the bat, I knew Kitsch had something up his sleeve. When he sat down for the interview, he had this shit-eating grin on his face that told me everything without words. “You know,” Kitsch said with a knowing smile. “I’m excited. I’m two-for-two so far this year.” I inquired as to what he was referring to, and he told me his master plan “…to gross the most amount of losses possible in a single year.”
Kitsch watches his box office numbers dissipate as his movie sucks harder and harder the longer it runs
Wondering why an actor would wish his own films to crash hard and die a fiery death, I asked Kitsch what his problem was. “I don’t have a problem. Maybe you do. Do you remember when the Detroit Lions had a winless season? They went 0-16. That’s amazing! When I saw that, I knew I had to at least try to emulate them. I mean, who else can say they didn’t accomplish anything positive whatsoever in an entire year? Screw the Oscar; I want the Razzie.”
Not everyone was as smug about Kitsch’s box office record. Rich Ross, former chairman of Walt Disney Studios, resigned earlier this year in the wake of John Carter’s $200 million whirlpool of suck. I caught up with the once-happy Ross to see how he’s been handling his life after Kitsch gambled it away. “Did you just say Taylor Kitsch?” Ross asked. “I hate that little prick. No, no. I don’t care anymore. I don’t have a handler or a P.R. guy or any of that crap. I just have a mortgage and a lot of regret. Go away. Please, just go away.” Ross then began sobbing uncontrollably.
Ross, right, with Kitsch. Both men were happier back then.
Now, Ross ends his days by sneaking into his former studio and crying himself to sleep.
Not to be outdone by himself, Kitsch then set his sights on Peter Berg and Battleship. While Berg – much like Ross – holds his own bit of responsibility for that deep-sea debacle, Kitsch certainly didn’t try to make things any better. “Oh, I knew,” Kitsch said with an even smugger grin. “Just the mere fact I was showing my face on-screen meant at least $80 million down the drain. Washed away, down, down..[twirls his fingers downward]….down. You may think me a cruel man, but I’m simply trying to accomplish a dream. Am I not allowed to do that?”
Berg disagrees. “Kitsch should learn to respect other people’s work. Battleship was never going to be an award-winning drama, but I should have at least covered up his face or something so no one could tell it was him. What did it earn? Look, can you pay for this sandwich? I’ll, pay you b…I’ll wash your car or something.”
Berg would soon rather slap Kitsch than his Lego counterpart.
Speaking of masks, Oliver Stone must have been listening in on our interview. Check out this image from his forthcoming film, Savages, which is inexplicably starring Taylor Kitsch.
Which one is Kitsch? Oliver Stone doesn’t want you to know
Oliver Stone really doesn’t want you to know
Despite his facial features being obscured for “…90 percent of the film” according to Stone, Kitsch isn’t worrying. “Yea, Oliver’s been trying to keep me in this mask thing. It’s not going to work. When he’s out to lunch, you can bet your ass I’ll be filming a few new scenes sans this obstruction. Again, it’ll be great. Another $70 million gone. My dream will be complete! Sorry, Oliver, but not really. Sucker!”
It’s hard to tell at this point if he can seriously bat 0 for 3, but if Kitsch’s attitude is any indication, Oliver Stone had better break out the editing suite and replace any emergence of Kitsch’s face with a sleeping kitten or something. I’d pay to see a 6-foot-tall kitten get embroiled in a drug ring and have to fight to get his girlfriend back. Wouldn’t you?