MAN OF STEEL JUST WANTS TO CATCH FISH; LEX LUTHOR WON’T LET HIM ENJOY IT

It looks like Superman has hung up his cape for good. In a startling turn of events, the former Man of Steel is forging a new career as a commercial fisherman, but past demons just won’t let him enjoy his life. That’s right; as soon as Lex Luthor learned of Superman’s hiring by the Abundant Seafood fishing company, he promptly bought out the owner, Tom Marhefka, and took up residence on The Last Son of Krypton’s boat in order to “…make him want to swallow kryptonite. Or at least cry a lot.”

Admittedly, Luthor’s past real estate bungles have put a dent in his pocketbook, but he assures me that his new fishing endeavor will net a lot of profit. “Oh, it’ll be great,” the criminal mastermind pointed out. “Supes thought he was going to get away from me, but guess what? He’s now contractually obligated to do whatever the hell I tell him to! I am a genius! Do you hear me? A genius! Ahahahaha!”

Luthor congratulates himself after sealing his deal to legally become Superman’s boss

Of course, Superman sees it a little differently. “That son of a bitch,” he said. “He always has to one-up me, even if I don’t care about his stupid land-buying schemes anymore. I just want to fish in peace, but now he’s working me 18 hours a day without paying me the overtime I’m due! Why does he have to be such a jerk?”

Superman is seen complaining to co-workers about Luthor’s evil working conditions

When I brought Superman’s objections to Mr. Luthor, he put a smug grin on his face and enlightened me as to his motives. “Well, it’s not very hard to figure out,” Luthor said. “He’s crushed my dreams several times over. I’m just returning the favor. I’ll never forgive him for that whole Nuclear Man thing.” Luthor then motioned me to come closer to him so he could whisper in my ear. “I have to play this pretty close to the chest, but I trust you. I secretly put small fragments of kryptonite in random compartments around the boat. That super moron has no idea that his dream of fishing is slowly killing him! I’m a criminal genius! Ahahahaha!”

Luthor showed me one of his kryptonite hiding spots while Superman was away on his break

After seeing the kryptonite stash, I found Superman below deck, squeezing one of those little squishy stress balls you always see people using. “Get this,” Superman bellowed. “Since he knows I technically don’t need to breathe, he’s got me swimming underwater, collecting fish and shrimp for 2 hours at a time. I thought this was going to be a zen-like retreat for me. Dammit, this sucks.”

Superman tried to hide from Luthor behind the boat, but here, Luthor is informing him that his 15-minute break has turned into a 20

The last thing Superman told me was that he was thinking about complaining to his union, but unbeknownst to Mr. Kent, Luthor also installed himself as the union representative. I refrained from telling that to Superman, though. More on this story as it unfolds.