STATE FARM DENIES DESTRUCTION CLAIM ON AQUAMAN’S OFFSHORE GOTHAM HOME

**Dark Knight Rises spoilers ahead**

As if being considered one of the most worthless heroes in his super powered peer group wasn’t bad enough, things just got worse for the King of the 7 Seas. Aquaman’s offshore Gotham City home has been completely destroyed after the Dark Knight hauled a nuclear bomb off the coast and detonated it right at his doorstep. Initially feeling confident that his State Farm home owner’s policy would cover his losses, the amphibious sea dweller was shocked when his claim was denied by the agency. Located several hundred feet below the surface, the multi-million dollar luxury home boasted underwater views, a swimming pool, and other high end features typically reserved for the elite 1%. The man with the watertight skin was able to escape the blast radius after being warned telepathically by a nearby dolphin, but could only watch helplessly as his castle crumbled before him. Now basically homeless, Aquaman must batten down the hatch and wonder how he could have lived so large and left so little for the rest of Gotham.

 Telepathic warning from dolphin buddy allowed Aquaman to escape blast

When approached for comment, Aquaman didn’t mince words about his misfortune. “Let me just say Batman is a first class A-HOLE who over relies on his gadgets, but I can’t even sue the guy because officially he’s dead…..YEAH RIGHT,” the sultan of saltwater said angrily. “Losing that sweet plasma TV I had in my bedroom hurts quite a bit,”  “Sure I can see fish outside my window, but holy shit do they look even more amazing in HD! Plus….what the hell am I supposed to do now when I’m in the mood for a relaxing dip with the ladies? You don’t expect me to swim with all the other fish in the sea do ya?…….sheesh!”

Aquaman’s bedroom sported spectacular views of aquatic life for real and in stunning 1080P

The undersea king’s posh pool was a huge seduction starter for his female guests

A State Farm spokesperson feels that the company is completely justified in regards to Aquaman’s policy claim. “Well first of all, when he spoke the ‘like a good neighbor’ charm aloud, one of our agents was immediately drowned and now we have to come up with a new ad campaign. Secondly, any coverage in and around Gotham is risky due to the unforeseeable acts of a guy in a black rubber bat suit and his gallery of rogues. His policy notates this in the fine print. Besides, where the hell was he when Bane was taking over the city? Bats clearly could have used a little help, but he decided to chill out at his pad like the chicken of the sea he is! Sorry pal…. how about calling Flo at Progressive for a free quote and setting up shop in a nice midwestern pond next time around? We’re not budging on this one!”

 Perhaps it’s “Flo-Time” for Aquaman

Until he gets back on his fins, Aquaman has taken up residence in the Gotham home for the powered and pointless where he’s helping out in the  kitchen, but he has no regrets. “Yeah….I’m currently rooming with a guy whose claim to fame is his really bendy elbows, but that’s ok,” claims Aquaman. “I’m working on getting my lifeguard certification, and I’ll be out of this place soon enough and getting paid to scope out all the hot MILFs at the Gotham community pool and being a real hero!” Nothing like a clean slate huh?