Popular film publication Life & Breath magazine has one-upped rival Sight & Sound magazine by releasing their own, vastly improved list of the ten greatest movies of all time. Patrick Kilpatrick, editor-in-chief of the print-only magazine, recently sat down with Man, I Love Films to explain why Sight & Sound “…wouldn’t know a top 10 list if it bit them in the ass.” He then made a rude gesture with his hand before spilling brandy all over his burgundy smoking jacket.
“Unlike our competitors in the market, we take our jobs seriously,” Kilpatrick snooted. “The so-called ‘revolution’ of Vertigo claiming their number one spot means, oh, I don’t know…jack squat to us. Cinema is an evolving art, and Sight & Sound is stuck wallowing in their own filth and malaise.”
Patrick Kilpatrick, looking stern as ever
“The reason I gathered you all here,” Kilpatrick exclaimed while raising a champagne glass, “is to unveil Life & Breath’s very own top ten list. You will note, of course, the subjective nature of film and film criticism. However, we are confident that what we are about to give birth to will forever change the landscape of what we currently know to be the moving picture.”
The rest of the press corps couldn’t wait for Kilpatrick’s unveiling
Just when the tension in the room was becoming almost unbearable, the lights dimmed, and the list was projected on the northern-most wall in a magnificent font. That list is as follows, with descriptions given by top critics of each genre:
The socio-political backdrop in Gymkata is made even more distressing by the presence of deadly ninjas throughout The Game. World-class gymnast, Kurt Thomas, showed everyone why his thighs could choke a donkey.
9) Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Sacha Baron Cohen’s Jean Girard stole every scene he was in, and made sure to bring out the inner patriot in us all. The film also introduced the truism “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”
This avant-garde horror piece taught us that the only thing more frightening than facing your own inner demons is getting raped in the mouth by an actual one.
7) Solaris (2002)
The original didn’t have George Clooney.
6) The 6th Day
While it wasn’t the first film to address the dangers of human cloning, it nevertheless found the answer to just about every problem faced by modern man. Namely, that two Arnold Schwarzeneggers are better than one, and your pets never have to die.
5) Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
It can certainly be argued that the screenplay for this 1991 sequel to Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure lacked the wit and sophistication of the original. However, it took the themes explored by Ingmar Bergman in The Seventh Seal and upped the philosophical ante by including a game of Twister.
According to Time magazine and the film’s DVD cover, “He deserves not a black belt, but an Oscar.” Who are we to argue with such a strong position?
3) Mulholland Drive
The only film to be included on both lists. Sight & Sound has this David Lynch thriller pegged at #28 on their expanded list of the top fifty. Well, we couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on at any time during its 147 minutes, so naturally, we think Mulholland Drive deserves to be held in much higher regard.
2) Grizzly Man
HE GOT EATEN BY BEARS!
1) The Tree of Life
Some have postulated that The Tree of Life depicts how God views us and the universe. We have no idea. As far as we can tell, Terrence Malick has turned himself into a modern-day Stan Brakhage. We don’t think Malick will die from paint fumes, although we’re also not ruling anything out.
After presenting the list, Kilpatrick said in so many words that this will be the definitive top ten until the year 2022, at which point Life & Breath will arbitrarily rearrange titles on the list to appear as though something monumental took place in the intervening years. Of course, when that happens, Man, I Love Films will be there to report the new greatest movies of all time.