During more than one promotional interview for his latest action movie, The Expendables 2, Jean-Claude Van Damme took some not-so-subtle jabs at fellow DTV master, Steven Seagal. It’s true:
“Steven Seagal is fat and expendable.” – Van Damme
I love how he tries to veil his condescension by throwing around words like “good presence” and “charisma.” Your sarcasm almost made it past me, Jean-Claude. Really, it did.
Let’s be honest here. If anyone has room to trash-talk Seagal, it’s Van Damme. A recent scientific study has conclusively shown Van Damme’s DTV output to be superior in terms of raw numbers, and nobody can argue raw numbers.
Science doesn’t lie
On a side note, it’s not like Van Damme is the only person to call Seagal out. John Leguizamo also has an opinion of the Belly of the Beast star.
See, Leguizamo also wanted to call him a fat retard
Regardless of who is calling him out-of-shape, irrelevant, or a worthless pile of dog shit, the Zen Master is not phased. When reached for comment, the Aikido ass whooper said, “In the Buddha way of life, you don’t allow people to get to you. You let life flow around you. Besides, you know, I can punch Jean-Claude’s kidneys out through his mouth if I so choose.” Seagal then recanted a parable to better explain the situation:
Yes, I DO know
Seagal then told me why he just doesn’t care – at all – about what Van Damme has to say. “For one,” Seagal said. “Forty years ago, I invented the front kick to the face. That’s a fact. Bruce Lee also did some cool things back in the day, but c’mon. Front kick to the face. All me.”
Every MMA fighter should seek the tutelage of Steven Seagal
In addition to creating basic combat skills, Segal is also a reserve deputy sheriff in Louisiana. Being the humble man that he is, Seagal has kept that part of his life secret. Until now:
Steven Seagal. That’s right: Steven Seagal
Seagal also teaches cops sword techniques against all those crack dealers who go for their guns mid-arrest
I’m not sure if anyone reading this is aware, but Steven Seagal is also a clairvoyant with special healing powers. It’s all documented – by Seagal himself – right here:
Unlike Van Damme, Seagal was born special
“But,” Seagal told me. “Even though I’ve accomplished many, many great things in my life, one achievement stands above the rest. Van Damme can say whatever he wants about me being so fat and lazy that I forget my own movie titles, but he doesn’t have this:”
Not many people have anything like this, in fact
So, as it turns out, Steven Seagal can boast about many more completed life goals than Jean-Claude Van Damme. I mean, what has he done, really? The splits a few times and screamed a lot? “I’ve studied in Japan,” Seagal informed me as if I wasn’t aware of this fact many times over. “He’s French.”