Everything Else, Film School Friday — October 4, 2013 at 3:00 am

FILM SCHOOL FRIDAY LESSON #7 – HOW TO BAG A DISNEY BRIDE

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Last week, Film School Friday went a slightly different route, teaching us all how to revive a dying career with the help of Southern charmer Matthew McConaughey. As king of the bad Rom Com, McConaughey had a lot to answer for but now, with a series of critically acclaimed films under his belt, we can look back at this dark period of cinema and rejoice in its demise. However, there’s always a lesson to be learnt from cinema and as I researched McConaughey’s crappy old films, one thing did occur to me. That man sure does know how to talk to the ladies…

disney-princessesI’ve decided that I need to give out more realistic advice that will help readers in their daily lives. No more ‘How To Be The Best Zombie You Can Be’ or ‘How To Become A Successful Super Villain’. What do people want most of all? To be happy in love. Let’s take a page out of McConaughey’s book then and pursue only the most beautiful partners to spend the rest of our lives with. Want someone with an incredible singing voice, flawless hair and eyes so huge that they must have been born at Chernobyl? Go Disney. So dust off your song book, saddle your loyal horse and throw away your morals once more as we begin today’s lesson.

Lesson #7 – How To Bag A Disney Bride

I know what you’re thinking. Disney princesses are royalty. They’ll say they’re too good for me. Also… they’re fictional animated characters. However, negative thinking won’t get you anywhere. No one ever said love would come easy so don’t give up just yet. If you take my advice and work hard, then you’ll be living happily ever after in a Disney castle like the best of them.

aladdinjasminemarketplaceChannel Your Inner Mobster

First, you need to shake off that goody goody image. I’ve watched a lot of films and therefore know without a doubt that all women want the bad boy. You don’t see Jesus with a girlfriend do you? Expose your future Disney bride to a life of crime and she’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand. Eating what you ask? Well, fruit stolen from the marketplace is pretty good. Why not encourage your monkey companion – get a monkey companion – to do the dirty work for you. I guarantee that your crush will be covering for you both in no time at all.

Failing that, commit crimes against her community. That will really get her going. People forget that John Smith actually went to Pocahontas’s land in order to steal it. Apparently, that impresses Disney princesses no end. Maybe Quasimodo would have had better luck bagging Esmerelda if he’d upturned her caravan first and stolen all her tacky jewelry! I wonder how much he would have got for those gaudy earrings…

Stalkers Get All The Chicks 

Petty crime will only take you so far though. Sure, Prince Charming stole Cinderella’s shoe, but did you know he also coerced his loyal work force to hunt the princess out… for a date? Keen or stalkerish? You decide. If you’re like me though and don’t have hordes of royal subjects to order about, then try beach combing. While most amateur beach combers peruse their local coastline for shells or driftwood, Prince Eric goes out looking for homeless naked mute women. You never know when you might strike lucky and find a looker like Ariel. The fact that she can’t talk just makes the whole process that much easier. Remember, if anyone asks, you’re rescuing her.

disneymirrorHowever, if you’re impatient and can’t wait any longer, just take the first Disney princess you come across and keep her imprisoned in your enchanted castle (get a castle). This may sound cruel to those of you out there who are into women’s rights and all that jazz but really, you’re doing her a kindness. Lord knows Disney princesses are fed up of living their provincial lives. Take her hostage and hope that she becomes mad enough to start seeing things in a shiny mirror. Just don’t let her in the West Wing. That place is grim.

Just When Things Couldn’t Get Creepier

But what if you kidnap the Disney gal and she doesn’t develop Stockholm Syndrome? Hey, it can happen. To overcome this potential pitfall, try out this next tip, which couldn’t be easier to carry out.  Back in the good old days, you didn’t have to plan elaborate kidnappings to bag a Disney bride. No, all you had to do was wait until the princess is asleep and then give them a kiss. To me, that sounds seriously messed up but apparently, its fine if you’re royalty. Just ask Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty or the imaginatively named Prince from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. On second thoughts, at least give them a wake up nudge first. That will be one less law you’re breaking.

Be Open Minded

Now, if you’re in the minority who doesn’t want to kiss animated princesses in their sleep, then seriously, what’s wrong with you? And if you’re one of these chicken-like creatures, what options do you have left?

disneymulanCaptain Li Shang had the right idea. As leader of the Chinese Army, Shang remained honorable in his search for love by keeping an open mind. You never know when one of the men in your ranks has the potential to become a Disney bride, so always keep on the lookout for attractive Disney men who could be a woman in disguise. This however begs the question: Would Shang still have been attracted to Mulan if she had actually been a man? Quite possibly. Don’t worry Shang. If Timon and Pumbaa can make a relationship work, then there’s hope for us all.

What Not To Do

What about the Disney heroes who never bagged the bride? Quasimodo was the star of his film The Hunchback of Notre Dame, yet he lost out to the Captain of the Guard. Apparently, looks are everything. Way to shape our kids minds Disney! And don’t get me started on Prince Edward losing Giselle to Patrick Dempsey. Bleurgh! Never has a more boring man walked the earth. I’d rather Al Gore had wooed Giselle using a powerpoint on the melting ice caps than that snorefest.

disneypixarOut of all the Disney princesses, Merida from Brave is the only one to not find her true love. Childish accusations of lesbianism aside, why is it that the first born sons of the Highland clans failed to win her heart? You could argue that Merida represents a huge leap forward for the representation of women in animation or maybe just that her suitors didn’t have the benefit of this article to help them. If one of the men in Brave 2 tries to steal Merida’s riches, kidnaps her and kisses her when she’s asleep, then we’ll know that the guys at Pixar love themselves a bit of Film School Friday. Only time will tell.

So there you have it. If you can avoid prison long enough, you’re sure to wed a Disney bride with these simple tips. And if not? I’ll teach you a lesson on how to survive in prison. I warn you now though, it will probably involve lots of soap… Come back next week for a lesson on time travel, so you can forget you ever read this week’s article. With Halloween also coming up soon, post your ideas for a special themed lesson in the comments box below. See you next Friday loyal readers!

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