Last week, I took the week off from Film School Friday because of family issues. The truth is, I’m always too busy with my job and I felt that I was constantly disappointing my son through neglect. The last straw came when I missed his karate exposition the other day. To make it up to him, I tried to buy his favourite action figure, Turbo Man, for Christmas. Stupidly though, I waited until Christmas Eve to get it and of course, the bloody thing was sold out. After a number of hilarious hijinks involving the police, an angry postman and Father Christmas, I finally managed to get hold of the last action figures left after accidentally becoming the ‘real’ Turbo Man in a Christmas parade. Man, life is never easy when you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A word of advice. Don’t mix eggnog with a Jingle All The Way marathon. Awful things can happen.
Anyway, today we’re going to celebrate the upcoming New Year in style i.e. not skidding in our own vomit, so line your stomach, get out the poppers and pour some champagne as we read on for today’s lesson.
As I watched Baz Lurhman’s adaptation of The Great Gatsby, two questions occurred to me. First, why did Leonardo Di Caprio keep saying “old sport” like some demented NFL broadcaster with Alzheimer’s and secondly, why on earth have I never been to a party as good as the ones Gatsby throws in his giant mansion? New Years Eve can be pretty disappointing if not planned properly but everyone in the movies seems to have the time of their lives so what are we doing wrong? Let’s take some advice from the films and have the best New Years Eve yet. What do you say old sport? Are you with me?
Rob The Ghostbusters
First though, we have to ensure that the world actually makes it to January 1st. What would you say if I told you that a tyrannical spirit from the 17th century was hell bent on ruining New Years Eve for everyone? … That’s right. Call the Ghostbusters. How did you guess? But what if they’re busy hunting Casper down and can’t answer your call? If I were you, I’d grab some positively charged mood slime and animate the nearest human shaped object. The Statue of Liberty would be ideal but failing that, animate all the toys you can find. Sure they might not be as big or scary as the Statue of Liberty but what spirit could ever stand up to the combined might of the Toy Story crew? You never know. That Bo Peep is one scary mutha. If you’re going to use the Ghostbusters equipment though, just remember one thing. Whatever you do, don’t cross the streams… There’ll be piss everywhere.
Assuming that Woody and the gang have managed to save New Years, it’s time to plan our party. Here, we have two options. First, you could hold a small intimate gathering to welcome the New Year in and what’s more intimate than a guest list of one? Norma Desmond had the right idea by only inviting Joe Gillis to her party in Sunset Boulevard but she came on far too strong, trying to seduce her guest to the sound of the tango. Personally, I feel you can never go wrong with a bit of the old macarena or even some Gangnam Style but I worry that Desmond might have broken a hip or two trying to emulate Psy.
Hmmmmm… your second option is to go completely the other way with the craziest party imaginable. If you can afford it, I’d recommend a transatlantic cruise to New York City on the MS Poseidon, where you can enjoy all the luxuries that a capsized ship can provide. Free booze, party poppers and all the sea water you could ask for are yours for just a small price. If that doesn’t float your boat though… ahem… the chance to watch Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas sink to her death may be a deal breaker for some. Or you could always just throw a huge party Caligula style and rock your cock out.
Up The Drama
Wherever you go to celebrate the New Year, what ultimately matters is who you’re with. If you find yourself hanging out with the same partner year after year, why don’t you mix things up? Give previous lovers a call and reunite dramatically in classic rom com style just as the countdown begins so you can have someone to cop off with as the clock strikes twelve. There’s no shame in that. Just ask Harry or Sally. You know what? Even if you are in a relationship, break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend a week before anyway, just so you can look back fondly on the New Years Eve where you got back together. Or broke up forever and ruin your future, turning it into a sad re-run of Jennifer Aniston’s life for the past decade. Your call.
A Gatsby style party needs money and lots of it so if all else fails, there is one final option you can take. What do Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Zac Efron, Josh Duhamel, Robert De Niro, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Cary Elwes, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Ludacris, Lea Michelle, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pffeifer, Hilary Swank, Sofia Vergara, John Lithgow, Ryan Seacrest and Matthew Broderick all have in common, aside from selling their soul to Garry Marshall, the director and evil overseer of everything that is crap and unholy? Every single one of these actors chose to put integrity to one side in the name of selling out for a quick buck. Marshall has already directed awful ensemble films inspired by both New Years Eve and Valentines Day, so just wait for the inevitable St Patrick’s Day movie and get in there pronto before Drew Barrymore drinks all the booze.
There you have it. I’m sure Gatsby would be jealous of your upcoming New Years Eve party… that is if he wasn’t a tedious fictional character obsessed with the even more boring and lifeless Daisy Buchanan. Damn you Carey Mulligan! This is the last Film School Friday of 2013 but don’t worry obsessive film fans. We’ll be back next week/year with a masterclass teaching our loyal readers (hey ma!) how to have an acting career as successful as Nicholas Cage and no, next week is not April Fools Day.