Everything Else, Film School Friday — June 20, 2014 at 3:00 am

FILM SCHOOL FRIDAY LESSON #31 – HOW TO GET THE PERFECT HAIRCUT

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Last time, Film School Friday surprised loyal readers with another thrilling end of term quiz that almost crashed the internet because it was that popular! Well, it could have also been caused by that video of a cat performing open heart surgery, but my money is on Film School Friday…

As we approach July, it’s time to rock out those beach bodies in search of some summer loving, right? Wait… what do you mean you live on a diet of nothing but hot dogs, natchos and popcorn? God damn you cinemas! Fine. Forget working out. What can we do to improve our appearance that requires minimal effort? Ok… I got it. Stick with me loyal readers and grab the scissors as we read on for today’s lesson.  

Lesson #31 – How To Get The Perfect Haircut      

When it comes to appearance, hair is everything. Bo Derek looked incredible wearing that swimsuit in 10, but those braids… my god, those braids… If you’d rather look like Helena Bonham Carter than Jennifer Aniston, by all means, go read something pointless like the news, but those who want the perfect haircut need to stick with this. Trust me. I’ll sort you out.

Bathroom Routine

Anyone who has ever watched Saturday Night Fever knows the importance of taking your time getting ready before leaving the house. John Travolta made it look effortless with his gyrating hips and million gold chains, but if you only take one tip from his routine, it’s that you should never, and I mean NEVER let anyone else touch your hair.

Do you think Tracy Turnblad lets anyone near her bouffant do once the hairspray has been used? Can you imagine Princess Leia letting Han Solo play with her cinnamon buns before they take down the Imperial Forces? On second thoughts, let’s just pretend I didn’t say that…

Little Mermaid dinglehopper

Keep It Cheap

One of the most difficult things about maintaining a perfect hairstyle is paying out for all the products. First world problems eh? There are definitely ways around this though. Take Ariel for example. The ever resourceful mermaid has some of the most beautiful hair ever seen in a Disney movie, but hair mousse isn’t exactly dime a dozen under the sea, down where it’s wetter, down where it’s better, take it from…. oh god. It happened again. I’m sorry.

Anyway, lucky for Ariel, humans invented an incredible styling device known as a ‘dinglehopper’, or what is sometimes known as a fork to the uneducated. I’m sure you’ve seen them around. Now don’t look down your nose at using a ‘dinglehopper’. It sure beats what Cameron Diaz used to style her hair in There’s Something About Mary

Save Time

You know what? That all sounds like way too much effort. Forget the perfect haircut. Forget the point of this entire article. Just go bald. Demi Moore pulled it off in G.I Jane and Natalie Portman looked great with a buzzcut in V For Vendetta, so why can’t you? It’ll be a hell of a lot easier to manage in the mornings and nits will finally be a thing of the past. 

les miserables still 300512

Cutting all your hair off is also a nice little earner. Just ask Fantine in Les Miserables. Admittedly, she also had to sell her teeth and become a prostitute, but hell, if it wins you an Oscar, count me in!

Let’s face it though. Some people just look terrible bald. No one wants Damian from Mean Girls to shout “Oh my God, Danny Devito! I love your work!” as you run crying from the bathroom, right? If you really have no other alternative, then I suggest that perhaps you just give up completely. And I’m not just talking about finding good hair. Head on down to Fleet Street and pop into Sweeney Todd’s for a haircut you won’t forget. That’ll stop your complaining. Job done.

Remember to come back in two weeks for another edition of Film School Friday, where I will continue to educate and advise you in the least useful ways possible…

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