Everything Else, Film School Friday — July 4, 2014 at 3:00 am

FILM SCHOOL FRIDAY LESSON #32 – HOW TO GET THE PERFECT BEACH BODY

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Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to get the perfect haircut, so surely by now, admirers from all around must have surrounded you, begging you to reveal the secret of how you gained your beautiful mane… right? Oh wait, I forgot. Halfway through the last lesson, I gave up on offering advice and suggested a buzz cut or a quick trip down to Sweeney Todd instead. Goddammit! Becoming a movie fiend has given me the attention span of Findng Nemo’s Dorey on crack, so today, let’s focus on finding another way to look good in the summer time, one which doesn’t involve becoming a pie filling.

Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact of life that watching movies does not exactly enhance one’s figure. Until Hollywood devises a way to give us the perfect abs while devouring a tub of popcorn the size of a small child, it’s up to us film fanatics to find a way to keep the weight off. Now, you could buy a fitness DVD or listen to the advice of nutritional experts… PAHAHAHA! Who are we kidding? Obviously, you want advice from someone who actually knows what they’re talking about, so gather round my overweight friends, throw away the butter and listen up as we read on for today’s lesson.

Lesson #32 – How To Get The Perfect Beach Body

So you don’t want to look like the offspring of the Nutty Professor and Bridget Jones in a swimming costume? Well, you came to the right place.

pumping ironPumping Iron

Now I know this may not be to everyone’s taste, but I felt obliged to start out with something approaching genuine advice. Go to a gym. Urgh, I hate myself for even saying it, but one surefire way to get the perfect beach body is to pump some iron. Now, I’m not saying you need to go all Schwarzenegger on your ass, but maybe lifting a weight or two wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen. Need inspiration? Watch some awesome training montages a la Rocky and then slo-mo jog your way to the salad bar. I’m assuming that’s how Chris Hemsworth bulked up for Thor. Jogging and leaves. Who needs a Sports Science degree anyway?

Sweat It Out

For many, going to the gym sounds like way more effort than it’s worth, so try dancing to lose weight instead. Lord knows Natalie Portman had a blast performing ballet in Black Swan and those boys in Magic Mike sure looked like they were having a good time on stage… Why just perfect your physique in a gym when you could be making it rain at the same time?

The issue here is that the majority of us do not look like Natalie Portman or Channing Tatum when we move our hips. Most of us look a little bit more like this.

So in other words, awesome. Too awesome in fact. I’d hate to make others feel inadequate displaying the kind of moves that Peter Parker excels in.

Guilt Trip

Why do gyms display pictures of beautiful men and women showing off their incredible physiques everywhere you look? Is it to inspire us normal folk to pursue greatness? No, it certainly is not. These pictures of god-like beings are purely there to make us feel awful about ourselves, to the point where self-loathing and disgust eventually force us to put the gallon of ice cream down and drag our fat asses to the gym.

To be fair, it’s a pretty effective method. Sure, comparing yourself to those beautiful people may crush your self esteem, but it’ll do wonders for your body and that’s why we’re here, right? Movies can have a similar impact.

Women have it particularly hard in this regard. Almost every actress on screen is the size of a stick insect that has been stretched out to the height of a person. One of the few exceptions that comes to mind is Meryl Streep, but she’s so talented that playing an 18 year old anorexic would still be a piece of cake for the Oscar winning actress!

300Men may have fewer role models to make them feel bad about their jelly bellies, but seriously, just five minutes into watching 300, I was torn between signing up to a gym for life or signing up for surgery with Antonio Bandreas’s character in The Skin I Live In. And how the hell did Brad Pitt develop those weird hip muscles that cut down to his groin in Fight Club? It’s inspiring and depressing, all at once.

If all else fails, just sign up to the experimental Super Soldier government program and become Captain America… Simple as that.

Wow. These lessons just get easier every week. From now on, just skip the first 99% of the lesson and cut to the last sentence or two. Job done.

Thanks for stopping by loyal readers. Remember to come back in two weeks for another edition of Film School Friday which will probably be filled with the usual pointless nonsense that spews from my mind… Man, I need to work on my self promotion.

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