Everything Else, TGITDNMAR — January 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

TGITDNMAR (1/13/12)

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It’s that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It’s The Day New Movies Are Released.

Contraband
Seriously, every Marky Mark-starring film should have as its poster an image of its star scratching his back.  How better to indicate the feeling that watching a Marky Mark film gives off – neither satisfying nor unsatisfying (generally speaking) – something that’s just there until you take care of it (or watch it), never to be thought of again.  His films are the back scratches or dust bunnies of the cineplex.

But, as so many people intent on letting you know that they know what journalistic terms are like to say, we’re burying the lead here, and that is this: I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS A THIRD WAHLBERG BROTHER! (that’s acting, that is – there might well be 12, but for our purposes, we only care about those “in the business”).

His name is Robert, and what’s worse – I’ve see no less than three films that he’s appeared in (Mystic River, The Departed, Gone Baby Gone).  What’s worse than that is that he’s had actual character names in two of those, meaning he’s not just some extra in the back.  What’s worse than that is that Robert:Donnie as Donnie:Mark, if that math makes sense to you.  If it doesn’t, it can be broken down as such: Donnie is older and worse-looking than Mark, Robert is older and worse-looking than Donnie, and yet they all have a trademark Wahlberg look.  CREEPY!

Oh, and this film also features Kate Beckinsale, Ben Foster, Giovanni Ribisi and Lukas Haas, if that does anything for you.  I really have no feelings either way about this movie.  Had I not seen the poster (relatively recently), I would be 100% unaware of its existence.  January!

Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 12%

Joyful Noise
Speaking of films which I barely knew existed…had it not been for a laff-out-louf interview between stars Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah (code name: Dana Owens) in a recent Entertainment Weekly (sample interview snippet: “Dolly and Dana – we’re double D’s!”  *groan*), this too would have been 100% off my radar.

Let’s not keep up this facade, though – this might well be perfectly fine, wholesome entertainment (it’s about dueling gospel singers or something), but I frankly could not care less, and I really doubt that you do, either.  Let’s just move on…

…after mentioning that Kris Kristofferson is amongst the cast.  I don’t know what to do with this information, but it needs to be passed on.  Speaking of him, I wonder if he’s ever been in a film with Sam Elliott?  That needs to happen – in a high profile film – sometime before one or both of them die in a catastrophic mustache incident.

Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 0%

Beauty and the Beast
Admission time: I’ve never seen B&tB.  I know it’s probably really good, but the Disney “Princess” tales really turn me off (also not seen: The Little Mermaid, Mulan, The Princess and the Frog, Tangled).  Moreover, every time I think of this, I can only think of Angela Lansbury playing a teapot or something and, well, that’s just ridiculous!  All those poor people turned into inanimate objects.  However, I did get a ton of enjoyment listening to former MILF contributors Scott and Whitney break down the film on a prior episode of their Frankly, My Dear podcast.  I’d rather listen to that than watch this – wouldn’t you?

Seriously, though, I will let my guard down and see this (and The Little Mermaid, at least) someday.  And I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and stop being such a naysayer.  But after having not had the time or enough interest to see The Lion King‘s re-release, there’s a better-than-good chance the same fate awaits this new Disney classic.

Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 30%

15 Comments

  • I certainly would! Also, I vote for changing this feature to ON (Oh No!) ITDNMAR for the months of January, February, and March.

  • How dare you not see Disney Princess movies. Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid are musts. After that, I’d say Tangled and Mulan, with Princess/Frog coming up on the tail end.

    • Haha – I knew for sure you’d be here quickly to defend your princesses. I appreciate the rankings…that’s close to how I might rank them in terms of interest, though I might swap Mulan and Frog.

  • Maybe the Wahlbergs are the new Baldwins?

    And I don’t think he’s scratching his back. He’s lifting his shirt to remind us how much money he has made off of his abs over the course of his career.

    I can see myself going to either Contraband or Joyful noise if my movie partner decides that he’s had enough of the Oscar hopefuls and can’t stand to look at another piece of period costume. Although if that happens I’ll likely try to steer it towards Mission Impossible.

    Beauty & The Beast is a little (and I mean tiny) bit better than most of the princess movies, because at least Belle knows how to read and gets to be the savior (in a way), rather than the one who needs saving. Still, I doubt that it qualifies as liberated womanhood.

    • I hope so – if that’s the case, I can’t wait to see the quasi-”special” 4th Wahlberg brother. :)

      I can certainly understand the occasional desire to just see something brainless – I talked about that last week or the week before with that Darkest Hour flick, which my wife and I almost ended up seeing before reconsidering. And yea, Mission: Impossible would be a much, much better use of your time and money, for sure.

  • Yep… It’s January.

    • Tell me about it. That’s pretty much what I want to write for every film every week lately (and for weeks to come, no doubt). I don’t think people would let me get away with that, though.

  • You won’t believe this but I got “TIDGMAR” in Scrabble yesterday. Almost died.

  • I have younger sisters, and I got stuck watching Beauty and the Beast when I was a kid. You ain’t missing a thing.

  • Beauty and the Beast is the only Disney Animation Studios movie you need. Go see it!

    • Score one for the bad guys!

      But really…the ONLY one?!? Maybe I’m getting it wrong if the older ones don’t count as “Disney Animation Studios,” but what about Snow White, Alice (my favorite Disney flick), Peter Pan (racist), etc.?

  • The second half of January looks so much better than the first. Reviews of Contraband make it sounds perfectly serviceable, but it’s hard to go from concocting my top 15 of 2011 list (which is chock-full of greatness) to “perfectly serviceable”.

    As to the other films, feh. Well, okay, feh to Joyful Noise. I may actually end up seeing Beauty and the Beast in theaters with my wife. I love that damn movie. So, really, screw Dolly Parton. The Queen gets a pass because I adore her.

    And screw Wahlberg, too, I guess. He should really do more I Heart Huckabees-type projects and maybe ease off the tough guy routine.

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