It’s that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It’s The Day New Movies Are Released.
Seriously, every Marky Mark-starring film should have as its poster an image of its star scratching his back. How better to indicate the feeling that watching a Marky Mark film gives off – neither satisfying nor unsatisfying (generally speaking) – something that’s just there until you take care of it (or watch it), never to be thought of again. His films are the back scratches or dust bunnies of the cineplex.
But, as so many people intent on letting you know that they know what journalistic terms are like to say, we’re burying the lead here, and that is this: I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS A THIRD WAHLBERG BROTHER! (that’s acting, that is – there might well be 12, but for our purposes, we only care about those “in the business”).
His name is Robert, and what’s worse – I’ve see no less than three films that he’s appeared in (Mystic River, The Departed, Gone Baby Gone). What’s worse than that is that he’s had actual character names in two of those, meaning he’s not just some extra in the back. What’s worse than that is that Robert:Donnie as Donnie:Mark, if that math makes sense to you. If it doesn’t, it can be broken down as such: Donnie is older and worse-looking than Mark, Robert is older and worse-looking than Donnie, and yet they all have a trademark Wahlberg look. CREEPY!
Oh, and this film also features Kate Beckinsale, Ben Foster, Giovanni Ribisi and Lukas Haas, if that does anything for you. I really have no feelings either way about this movie. Had I not seen the poster (relatively recently), I would be 100% unaware of its existence. January!
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 12%
Speaking of films which I barely knew existed…had it not been for a laff-out-louf interview between stars Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah (code name: Dana Owens) in a recent Entertainment Weekly (sample interview snippet: “Dolly and Dana – we’re double D’s!” *groan*), this too would have been 100% off my radar.
Let’s not keep up this facade, though – this might well be perfectly fine, wholesome entertainment (it’s about dueling gospel singers or something), but I frankly could not care less, and I really doubt that you do, either. Let’s just move on…
…after mentioning that Kris Kristofferson is amongst the cast. I don’t know what to do with this information, but it needs to be passed on. Speaking of him, I wonder if he’s ever been in a film with Sam Elliott? That needs to happen – in a high profile film – sometime before one or both of them die in a catastrophic mustache incident.
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 0%
Beauty and the Beast
Admission time: I’ve never seen B&tB. I know it’s probably really good, but the Disney “Princess” tales really turn me off (also not seen: The Little Mermaid, Mulan, The Princess and the Frog, Tangled). Moreover, every time I think of this, I can only think of Angela Lansbury playing a teapot or something and, well, that’s just ridiculous! All those poor people turned into inanimate objects. However, I did get a ton of enjoyment listening to former MILF contributors Scott and Whitney break down the film on a prior episode of their Frankly, My Dear podcast. I’d rather listen to that than watch this – wouldn’t you?
Seriously, though, I will let my guard down and see this (and The Little Mermaid, at least) someday. And I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and stop being such a naysayer. But after having not had the time or enough interest to see The Lion King‘s re-release, there’s a better-than-good chance the same fate awaits this new Disney classic.
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 30%