It’s that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It’s The Day New Movies Are Released.
Battleshit
Which came first – the title or the script? The smart money says the title, but considering what the screenwriters (brothers Erich and Jon Hoeber) came up with – what with aliens attacking and all – it’s preferable to presume that this was some generic action script that was lying around in some bigwig’s office. Then, when Universal made a deal with Hasbro to make their game(s) into a movie, some bright-eyed intern said, “Hey, why not just slap the title (brand) onto this existing piece of shit?” Then everyone in the room celebrated the intern’s great idea by telling him to get them some fucking coffee before giving each other $20 bills to use as Kleenex to sop up the tears from their laughter.
At least, that’s how I’d like to picture it going down.
And to think – spoilerzz! – they didn’t even have the balls to insert, “You sunk my battleship!!” into the film. Lame.
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 1%
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Sometimes I get depressed about, you know, existence and how meaningless we all are and how every pithy emotion and thought I’ve ever felt has already been felt by millions upon billions of people. You know what I don’t fucking need? A movie that reminds me of that sentiment and makes me feel like just another cog in the world population machine. Can’t I just abide by the fantasy of being one of The Incredibles instead?
Or am I reading too much into this?
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 11%
The Dictator
It’s funny – prior to this week, The Dictator seemed like a misfire for Sacha Baron Cohen. It still might be, but in comparison to the week’s other wide releases, it’s friggin’ Valhalla. It’s an oasis filled with Dr. Pepper in the desert. It’s an Angel Food cake with chocolate frosting and Skittles on top (yum…my mom actually made me one of these for a birthday as a kid). I think you get the picture.
I’m holding out hope. Some reviews are trickling in, and even though they’re nowhere in the neighborhood of the reaction Borat received, the fact that they’re not absolutely trashing it is wildly encouraging. After that first trailer with the Megan Fox/Kim Kardashian joke, I was terrified that this was going to go the Shrek/all current affairs/topical jokes route; it still might, but the second trailer (and the buzz) have me thinking that there might actually be some substance (and a lot more laughs) than originally perceived.
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 57%
Wayne (7)
Andrew (4)
John (4)
Steve (4)
Justin (3)
Lauren (3)
Nick (3)
Andy (2)
Dave Enkosky (2)
Emily (2)
Yeah, I kinda assumed The Dictator would be not worth checking out, but then I read some really decent reviews. Now I’m kinda interested.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 17, 2012 7:50 am
I hear ya. It’s all very tentative, and based mostly on the weak competition, but the mild interest is there.
NO “You Sunk My Battle Ship”? I’m Out! (at least til DVD, then I will be sucked back in I am sure).
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 17, 2012 7:51 am
Can’t say that curiosity will ever get the better of me with this one. It just looks like absolute shit.
Twitter: pturner1010
May 17, 2012 5:12 am
And what a bloody fantastic poster for the Dictator you have there! Wasn’t convinced by the trailers but the reviews are definitely looking good.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 17, 2012 7:52 am
Haha – uh, thanks, I guess. Wish I could take credit for unearthing some great poster, but it’s just the one that IMDb uses for the film.
Let me know what you think if you do see The Dictator.
Twitter: mrsthuro
May 17, 2012 7:02 am
If this is the kind of shit that’s coming to theaters, I think I’ll just be rewatching films I’ve already seen during my staycation in a couple of weeks, like The Avengers. Too bad Cabin in the Woods is already gone.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 17, 2012 7:53 am
I hear that. If I don’t see The Five-Year Engagement, a rewatch of The Avengers might be in store. Though I might succumb to The Dictator; depends on what kind of mood I’m in…
Twitter: agracru
May 17, 2012 7:09 am
Stay away from Battleship. It’s fucking horrible. Just watch The Avengers again. I can hardly even consider Battleship a film; it’s a piece of product placement for a really dull board game, and a giant Navy recruitment video made by a guy who’s never served in the military in his life, which makes the movie’s condescending rah-rah armchair patriotism even more infuriating.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 17, 2012 7:55 am
You will hear no arguments from me on this one, Andrew. I feel sorry for the loss of your two hours.
No love for WTEWYE? It might be shit, but I consider Chris Rock to be the best living stand-up comedian, and this seems to me like an extension of his routine. Watch the 2nd half of his “Never Scared” HBO special, then decide if you want to see this movie.
Twitter: waywardjam
May 18, 2012 7:24 am
Chris Rock is a hilarious stand-up comedian, I love his jokes, but that’s my issue with him. If I want to see his stand-up, I’ll watch his specials. If I want to watch him act, well, I’m still waiting to see that. He’s one of many reasons while I’ll be passing on WTEWYE.
Twitter: waywardjam
May 18, 2012 7:38 am
Great theory on Battleshit, I totally buy it. I’d like to hope Hollywood is taking one last dump on the box office to make way for a glorious summer, but by the time the stink of these disappear, here comes Father’s Day weekend.
Time to trailer trash the shit out of this piece of shit weekend over at my site.
I was basing that opinion entirely on the 1 preview I’ve seen. Now that I’ve done some research, I realize that Rock’s involvement is much less than I thought. Apparently it’s based on a book that only women read. I thought it was some kind of continuation of that movie he made about loving (or was it hating?) his wife. That one sucked too, so I don’t know what I was thinking. He was funny playing himself on Louie.
Oops… replied to the wrong one.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 18, 2012 2:57 pm
Yeah – you were way off-base, Chris. WTEWYE is a super-huge ensemble piece like New Year’s Day or Valentine’s Day or whatever. You ought to know that I’m with you on Rock – his stand-up specials are the things of legend. But no, him being in a film – even as the star – has never been much of an enticement for me.
Moreover, WTEWYE has J-Lo in it.
Twitter: waywardjam
May 21, 2012 10:53 am
I had such high hopes for I Think I Love My Wife. Neither Gina Torres or Kerry Washington could save that.
I should really start watching Louie.
I hope The Dictator is at least half as funny as Borat. I’m gonna skip Battleshit