It’s that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It’s The Day New Movies Are Released.
Oh, good god – can’t it be July 20th already?
Rock of Ages
So it wasn’t until just now that I learned that this flick isn’t some potential Almost Famous or something else that feels like Cameron Crowe might have made it, but rather an adaptation of a Broadway musical. Ohhhhhh…so THAT’S why I’m altogether uninterested in it. I just couldn’t recall why (I don’t think I’ve seen the trailer in months). Yeah yeah, this is the one where Tom Cruise is supposed to be Axl Rose or something and — why does the poster make it look like High School Musical: Rock Star Edition? This film is like staring at the sun – the longer I look at it, the worse it is for my eyes (and health in general).
If that weren’t enough to turn me off, it’s also directed by That Guy Who’s Never Made a Single Thing I’d Ever Want to See, aka Adam Shankman. To be honest, though familiar with the name and aware that he’s directed Hairspray: Redux, I probably couldn’t have guessed a single other project that he’d worked on. And thank the gods for my soul there: The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, The Pacifier, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Bedtime Stories…sweet jesus, you better bet the film that I’m about to talk about it is looking better and better by the second.
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 6%
That’s My Boy
There needs to be a name for this…phenomenon…or whatever it is I’m feeling. Something having to do with the stupider something is making me all that more happy. The Inanity Clause, let’s call it. For example – finding out that David Rasche (Sledge Hammer) is going to be in a film I’ll be seeing (like he was with MIB3) makes me mildly happy. Watching Lionheart, if only to hear Jean Claude’s formerly homeless manager scream out “He gon’ kill you, Lionheart!!!” over and over again makes me pretty happy.
But this! This…is so stupid, so idiotic, so…something no one else would care about at all, that it just elates me. Are you ready?
Years ago when people my age still liked him, Adam Sandler starred in a hilarious film called Happy Gilmore. You remember, right? Golf, eating pieces of shit for breakfast, and only one or two of Sandler’s now-city-wide entourage in the cast. Well, at one point, Happy is visiting with his grandmother and encounters the “Meesta Meesta” lady.
In a seemingly unrelated series of events, the actress Leighton Meester comes into prominence. Throughout her career, I maintain a willfull ignorance of who in the hell she is and why she might be famous, save for some inkling or spark that tells me she’s probably been on WB/CW TV shows. And now…some20 years after Happy Gilmore, she co-stars in That’s My Boy with Sandler.
This makes me wildly happy. The end.
Oh, and spoiler: half of Hollywood has a bit part in this film. Including Vanilla Ice and Alan Thicke (as well as, of course, every actor who has ever appeared in an Adam Sandler film). I swear the cast list to this thing is like 800 people. Something needs to stop letting Sandler make movies or the casts will start to resemble countries and then form governments and pass laws that give people like Nick Swardson high-level positions and such. Calamity, I tell you.
Dylan’s Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 23%