This list was inspired partially because I just finished reading Foucault’s Pendulum and partially because I had the misfortune to catch National Treasure on TV the other day.
Everyone loves a good conspiracy. They’re actually quite comforting; conspiracies mean that everything is connected, that there are no random acts of violence, that it all makes sense. Some dumb plots can be pulled off because the film convinces (see The Manchurian Candidate, The Parallax View, and two out of four Mission: Impossibles). But for every Ipcress File or All the President’s Men, there’s … Shyamalan. For every Last Crusade there’s a Crystal Skull. Here are a few that are so stupid that I longed to stick spoons my ears while shoving rusted nails down a garbage disposal just to make the pain stop. OK, maybe not that bad. But still pretty bad.
Needless to say, I’m breaking my own rules and there are spoilers here. But honestly, if you didn’t see it coming, you need to watch more movies.
10. THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL
Doesn't he look evil? He's totes evil.
The only film on my list that is actually a proper classic. But the premise of this – that Hitler’s genetic material went into making a bunch of clones, who the old Nazis want to be all Hitler-y – is so monumentally stupid that only the combined might of Gregory Peck and Laurence Olivier can save it from a camptacular fate. Just barely.
9. THE VILLAGE
Your mustard cape won't save you. We know it's you, Bryce.
While not the most ridiculous M. Night Shyamalan conspiracy movie (see number 5), it’s still pretty dumb. The elders in a 19th Century style colony have made up a myth about scary creatures living in the woods to keep their kids at home; it’s really the 21st Century and the elders are trying to protect their kids from all the evils of the outside world. Thing was, we all knew. From the first ten minutes. Only it seemed like such a dumbass, predictable idea that we actually could not believe that anyone would credit it as the basis for a film. How wrong we were.
8. SALT
The better question is: where is Pepper?
Russian sleeper agents trained from childhood infiltrate top government jobs. Great plot, if you’re living in 1962. We’re not afraid of the Russians anymore, kids; they’re actually kinda cute. And breeding agents from childhood to infiltrate top government jobs? What if they fail their entrance exams? What if they want to be pastry chefs? What then? Besides, nowadays, Russian sleeper agents live in Connecticut. Duh.
7. THE OMEN (2006)
He's even eviller. All evil children have black hair and blue eyes.
A conspiracy? A conspiracy by the FORCES OF DARKNESS! Take your pick: the EU is one of the heralds of the Apocalypse (in the original it’s the Common Market, but the EU is much more hilarious); the Antichrist is a tow-headed little tyke planted by hellhounds, reared by Satan’s Nanny (Mia Farrow, naturally) and ultimately raised by the President. Why is it so difficult to get Satan’s spawn to earth? Why couldn’t he be raised by that Rottweiler? But it’s the EU bit that really gets me.
6. ANGELS AND DEMONS
Tom Hanks watches as all his Oscars evaporate in a cloud of idiocy
Someone’s kidnapped the pope ‘cause they totes wanna be pope. There are folks called the Illuminati. Enter Robert Langdon, that great symbologist, to hunt down a bomb that’s supposed to destroy the Vatican. Ewan MacGregor runs around a lot, I assume attempting to find his way out of his contract. Who cares? No one cares. It’s all a conspiracy. A Catholic conspiracy. Those Catholics sure do conspire.
5. SIGNS
That little girl should really be scared. These guys are crazy.
Alien conspiracy! Crop circles mean something dastardly and extra-terrestrial-y and only Mel Gibson can save us! I remember when Mel was an actor and not a crazy-eyed anti-Semite. Those were the days. And then we get the big reveal, that the only way to defeat the aliens is by … water? No. Are these the dumbest goddamn aliens in the known universe? They came to a planet made mostly of water to enslave a species that is 75% water. No. Stop it. M. Night, you don’t get to play anymore.
4. NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS
In which Nic Cage is outacted by a piece of plywood.
John Wilkes Booth! Mount Rushmore! City of Gold! Area 51! JFK! Statue of Liberty! Ancient hieroglyphs! Nicolas Cage! Helen Mirren?! I know that all these things have something to do with each other, but I’ll be damned if I could figure it out, even after watching the movie AND reading the wikipedia page. No clue.
3. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
This happened. And we all let it happen.
I expect this from the National Treasure movies, Shyamalan and even Ron Howard. But not from you, Steven. Not from you. Aliens sure do get around nowadays. They built the pyramids, created fire, bestowed knowledge, religion, and Shia Labeouf (or Sherman the Beef, as I like to call him) upon humanity. More Russians for some reason that I can’t remember. Listen to me. Nazis = scary. Russians = not scary. Done. Never again.
2. NATIONAL TREASURE
In which Nic Cage is outacted by a 100 dollar bill.
Map on the back of the Declaration of Independence points to a treasure hidden by the Freemasons during the American Revolution. A man named Benjamin Franklin Gates (DO YOU SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?!) is the only one who can solve this ancient of days mystery. This all has something to do with the Templars (naturally), but I don’t really remember because I fell asleep. Why? ‘Cause it’s fucking stupid.
1. THE DA VINCI CODE.
You're better than this, Lisa. You know you are.
The tale that made art historians, religious scholars and anyone with a half a brain writhe in agony. Maybe this isn’t fair, because it’s really the book that postulates a dumb conspiracy theory. But the movie makes the already stupid premise – Jesus married Mary Magdalen, moved to France, founded the Merovingian dynasty, invented the baguette — stupider by cutting out all the fun chases and such. That’s right: they made it WORSE. A book by a man who invents adverbs ‘cause adjectives just won’t have the desired impact, she said truculently. It’s at the top of my list because so many people began talking as though this dumb fucking idea were true. I will not repeat myself, so listen: the Mona Lisa is not an anagram invented by Leonardo. There’s no such thing as a ‘symbologist’. That is not a grail symbol between Jesus and Andrew in The Last Supper. There’s no ancient Templar/Opus Dei/Vatican/Freemason/JP Morgan/Royal Society of Plumbers conspiracy that can be solved by Tom Hanks with a bad haircut. Why do I have to explain this? Fuck you, Dan Brown and Ron Howard. Fuck. You.
Remember, we here at Man, I Love Films don’t do definitive lists. We do our favorites and we want to hear yours. So, make sure and tell us about them in the comments section below.
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I love this list. And your commentary.
Also, I love Foucault’s Pendulum. I spent months after reading that book in the library tracking down info on secret societies and conspiracies.
Signs should be like #1, I fucking hate that shit! It’s really a decent movie for the first half but like you said “Are these the dumbest goddamn aliens in the known universe? ” I mean their are water vapors in our air for crying out loud. I’m sorry to Signs defenders but that twist is one of the most ill conceived theories ever.
Twitter: ptsnob
May 18, 2012 12:11 pm
The Village is SOOOOOO stupid. That could easily be #1. Angels and Demons is also dumb. The Illuminati seems idiotic, and the ultimate twist is even worse! Salt was entertaining to watch, but it really caves if you think too much about its plot. Lot of good picks on this list.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 18, 2012 2:54 pm
I want to side with you, Lauren, I really do, especially since there are some dumb ass movies on this list. But what about imagination? It’s one thing for people to believe in the kinds of hooha that Brown trades in, and I kind of feel like your ire is directed at them more than him. Those books aren’t rocket science, but as insanely-well-researched page-turners (the book equivalent of a popcorn movie, no?), they’re pretty effective and even respectable.
Though Da Vince Code did pretty much suck and I’ve yet to see A & D.
I could defend the Nat Treasure movies, but fuck Nic Cage. They’re actually not as terrible as I’d hoped/expected them to be…just so long as people don’t get nutty and compare them to Raiders or something (like they do with The Mummmy, which baffles me).
I will also cop to liking Signs and The Village, and not knowing that they were in the present day for Village. Of course the water thing is idiotic – Shammy has the hots for water – but I let it slide because the rest of it is so enthralling.
Nope, I’m gonna take exception to that. Dan Brown’s books are not well-researched. The Da Vinci Code is a ripoff of a “scholarly” (read: imbecilic) book called ‘Holy Blood, Holy Grail’, that basically postulates the same theory (with demonstrably false documents that were later debunked), only as fact and not fiction. The ENTIRE conspiracy in The Da Vinci Code comes from this book. The journey that Langdon takes through Paris is physically impossible. Leonardo did not call the painting the Mona Lisa in the first place and so it cannot be an anagram and (here’s the point) any self-respecting scholar would know that; as indeed would they know that he’s usually called Leonardo and not Da Vinci. In fact, most of the historical stuff is either dumbed down or demonstrably wrong information (gnosticism, the Priory of Scion, art history, history of Christianity, etc.); and these characters are supposed to be brilliant academics. Brown writes good action sequences, which the film almost entirely eliminated and/or butchered. The book is a perfectly good airplane read, if you can get past its general dumb-assedness.
Shyamalan makes me sad, because I usually really like his films until we get to the twists and then I cry.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 18, 2012 4:10 pm
I should mention that when I say they’re well-researched, I’m referring to the geography and architectural history stuff, mostly (the physics of the Paris trip notwithstanding). The conspiracy aspects I could care less about and are the imagination that I’m referring to.
How dare you Dylan!! These two Treasure movies are in the top ten of Nic Cages movies…that’s right, Nic Cage just spoke in the third person.
I actually like Signs, regardless of the water thing. I totally agree with The Crystal Skull, it should be number one though.
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 19, 2012 9:16 am
Haha – maybe in your Nic Cage Top 10, Nic Cage, but not mine and obviously not Lauren’s.
With you on all the rest, though.
Great list. I got all angry and worked up again just thinking about that godawful Indiana Jones movie.
Twitter: kaiderman
May 19, 2012 9:00 am
HOW DARE YOU BAD MOUTH SIGNS! I love that movie.
I actually like The Village too but I certainly don’t feel like embracing that debate because I get the problems people have with it.
And what is with the “2 out of 4″ MI Movies? That’s a typo, right? You meant 3 out of 4, right?
Ah, but the question becomes: what two MI movies am I referring to?
Twitter: manilovefilms
May 19, 2012 9:37 am
Haha – I was wondering the same thing…
Twitter: blackholecritic
May 19, 2012 11:06 am
I’ll bite on all of this… except Boys From Brazil. It’s a dumb movie, sure, but it helped spawn a rock solid joke from ARCHER so… not all bad.
Twitter: movie_writing
May 20, 2012 10:20 am
Brilliant list! I completely agree with many of these, although I’ve still yet to see the National Treasure films. I’m afraid I refuse to contribute to Dan Brown’s royalties by watching his adaptations. I read and hated every moment of The Da Vinci Code and as a complete, utter literary snob I cannot help myself from judging every second of it.
Dan Brown hatred aside, I also expected better of Spielberg in Crystal Skull.
it’s a good list. i’m right there for crystal skull. they need to do another indi movie so people will totally forget crystal skull.
i enjoyed dan brown’s books a lot more than the movies.
i also enjoy signs and the village.
but i’m wondering lauren, are you referring to the updated manchurian candidate? the original with angela lansbury was spectacular.
Yeah, the original Candidate. I completely forgot about the remake — never actually saw it. The original I think works because of the time period and because it’s simply a well made film. Although the plot on first inspection is kind of ridiculous. But that’s true about most conspiracies; it’s all about whether the film itself manages to convince.
Twitter: ftstweets
May 21, 2012 9:08 am
Your commentary cracked me up! Unpopular opinion: I hated the conspiracy storyline of The Game. Can’t really go into detail without spoilers but by the end I was like “seriously?!”. Thought it was one of the most ridiculous things I’d ever seen.
I personally needed to share this unique blog, “Man,
I Love Films – LAUREN