We appreciate all things beautiful and lovely, but what about the guys and gals who bring the real shit? I’m talking about the asshole characters in movies. This isn’t necessarily a villain, in fact most of these characters save a few would even be considered a villain. They’re just walking around our movies fucking things up for the protagonist. I can’t quite make the connection but for some reason bad use of hair gel and dickheaded behavior seem to be synonymous in the movie world. Not surprisingly there were a lot of jerks that made it to my short list, but even with honorable mentions galore I’m certain everyone’s two cents will be plentiful. Who are your favorite movie assholes?
10. DENETHOR
This ten spot was hardest to fill, because there were so many other precious options but after careful consideration I’m giving this shout out of assholism to Denethor, the Steward of Gondor from LOTR. His prized prince son died and while his remaining heir was a good hearted man he turned his affection from him and condemned him nearly to his death, meanwhile letting his army and mankind fall vulnerable to the invasion of evil, all in denial because of his arrogance. Total asshole.
9. PHILLIP STUCKEY
Played by the genius of playing TV’s greatest asshole “George Constanza” Jason Alexander plays Gere’s greedy and power hungry attorney in “Pretty Woman” that see’s only dollar signs and self gratification and has self entitlement issues the size of his waist band. He is a typical high powered asshole, but played brilliantly by Alexander.
8. JUDGE SMAILS
As amazing as Rodney, Chevy, and Bill Murray’s characters are in “Caddyshack” is the utter antithesis of the judge played by Ted Knight, who genuinely wants no one to have any fun or break any rules. He may be a total asshole, but he doesn’t manage to get the best of anyone in this comedy, especially Rodney who delivers some of the funniest lines ever about his wife.
7. JOHNNY
There have been others in his likeness, Biff comes a close second for me, but Johnny from “The Karate Kid” is clearly the biggest blonde pompous asshole from the 80’s. He was a total dick, and what was the most obnoxious part about his bullying behavior was he was tough enough to be a tough guy to other tough guys and he still went after little non threatening DANIEL SON! Asshole.
6. COLIN SULLIVAN
Collin Sullivan (Matt Damon) from the film “The Departed” is a mole inside the state department feeding Costello everything they know, and each are trying to discover who the other is. It seems strange that this character is more loathsome than even the crazy serial killer Tom Ripley Damon plays, but Collin clearly sucks. His asshole choices result in an insane amount of bloodshed along with one of the most awesome endings to a movie ever.
5. CAL HOCKLEY
Rich, handsome, and powerful………in “Titanic” Hockley had everything he wanted except the love and affection of Rose, and not unlike a two year old tantrum he had a fit when she didn’t return his affection. All of his infinite resources were used to try and possess her even at what seemed to be the very end of his life. A sick, sorry asshole….the one I’m most familiar with. Fuck his couch……..oh wait she almost did on it. 
4. HAL 9000
At number four this pick is clearly a dick. This computerized space traveler save one is without a doubt Hal 9000. The slow progression into his terrifying deception and rational cruelty is the “X” factor that really propels “2001: A Space Odyssey”. The creepy feel of the solitude of space is perfectly contrasted by the even colder companion of Hal 9000, the most frightening computer in space that constantly feels it pertinent to taunt his human companions with a sick logic. Robot asshole.
3. COMMODUS
In “Gladiator”, Maximus’s nemesis Commodus, the insecure, incestuous, corrupt Emperor is just as big of an ass as they come. Though his character is loathsome, there is almost a sympathy in understanding his motivation and what has driven him to his madness. The belief that his father loved Maximus more than his own son drives Commodus to commit deeds of the most unholy fashion. The very moment you empathize with him he reminds you he is a colossal ass giving his character no final redemption.
2. NURSE RATCHED
The domineering and sadistic Nurse Ratched from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” is the spoiler of all good, and represents all evil, clearly an epic asshole. The cold and heartless Ratched will forever be imprinted on all those who have seen this film and remembered as a total asshole.
1. CARTER BURKE
Hate on my affection for constantly noting “Aliens” in my lists, but there is a reason it makes it on so many, and Burke played by Paul Reiser here is no exception. Ripley says it best when she says, “I don’t know what species is worse. I don’t seem them screwing each other over for a goddamn percentage.” He is a slimy, creepy, useless dude that fully embodies everything an asshole is.
Honorable Mentions: Dennis Nedry, Dr. Silberman, Cruella De Ville, Nediermeyer, Shooter McGavin, Ed Rooney, William Tavington, Biff, and Walter Peck.
Wayne (7)
Andrew (6)
Josh (6)
John (5)
Steve (5)
Justin (4)
Lauren (3)
Nick (3)
3guys1movie (2)
Andy (2)
HAL 9000…I don’t think he gave me nightmares when I saw it in the theater in 1968…but that cold, unemotional, calculating voice still resonates in my mind. The ultimate “I’ll do what I want because I’m so superior & I can…& the rest of you be damned” attitude.
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 2:59 pm
If people don’t believe in Soylent Green I tell them to believe in Skynet or Hal 9000.
Truly great list! I love seeing Judge Smails on here, and every selection is a worthy one (though I may have put Nurse Ratched at #1…not that Carter Burke wasn’t a complete asshole! It’s just Nurse Ratched was so calculating, so bent on control. For me, she’ll always be the biggest asshole)
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 2:59 pm
The part that always got me with her was when she ignored everything he said and replied, “You’re staining my window” Cold ass bitch.
Twitter: agracru
November 16, 2011 7:21 am
Great picks, Heather. For my own, while I’m not a huge fan of the film, but Stephen Lang’s Quaritch in Avatar is a massive son of a bitch, the kind of immovable person who doesn’t care how his perspectives and actions affect the world around him. He’s selfish, brutish, and unfeeling– and he gets to act like a huge dick about it, to boot.
Another top pick for me would be Dowser and Spoor from Brazil. They might not be the sort of asshole at the top of the food chain whose whims can destroy entire nations, but honestly, the sort of asshole who breaks into your home and wrecks it up under the guise of government bureaucratic operation is probably worse in retrospect.
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 3:01 pm
I really considered him too Andrew. What I thought about doing this list was people that were immovable in their dickheaded ways and Quadrich was a prime example of that, plus Stephen Lang is just bad ass.
I’ve still never seen Brazil. Terrible I know.
Twitter: agracru
November 18, 2011 6:32 am
Remedy that!
That headline alone is worth the price of admission. I lost it when I got to “Johnny”. It’s a really diverse list. It’d be easy to single out genres or eras on something like that but you really cut a broad swath.
Pete in Shaun of the Dead was great asshole. I think my own list would also have to include Dean Vernon Wormer, and probably Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life.
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 3:06 pm
Thanks for the appreciation. I tried to touch on different movie genres, decades, and make a complete list. Mr. Potter is an excellent choice!
Twitter: ScribeHard
November 16, 2011 9:47 am
Fantastic list, Heather – especially the incluosion of Johnny and Carter Burke.
If there was one character I would add, it would be older brother Chet (Bill Paxton) from Wierd Science.
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 3:07 pm
I had several people mention he would be a great choice but I am saddened to say that I have never seen Weird Science which may explain Chet’s absence on the list.
Ahaha fun list Heather! I would also mention Tony Montana, who is, let’s face it, a major asshole despite being the protagonist of the movie. And let’s not forget Snape from the Harry Potter movies although certainly, the final revelation redeems him big time.
But my favorite is Tommy DeVito. Dude is just something else.
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 3:08 pm
Sheriff of Nottingham is another dick played by Snape.
I neglected to add many mob characters even though Tommy DeVito did stand out amongst a bunch of assholes, he was an extreme dick even through their eyes. One of my favorite characters of all time.
Shouldn’t Billy Bob Thornton’s “Bad Santa” character be on here?!
ps. nice boobies
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 16, 2011 7:44 pm
Isnt’ he kind of an anti-hero?
And thank you………have you met them?
“Oklahoma kid. That’s me. I’m the Oklahoma kid. You fuckin’ varmint! Dance. Dance. YAHOO, YA MOTHERFUCKER! “
Twitter: heather_kenobi
November 17, 2011 6:21 am
Tommy, such a misunderstood sweet guy.
Twitter: ptsnob
November 17, 2011 6:38 am
Wow, there are so many good choices for this one. I’d probably list Jason Alexander in Pretty Woman even higher. That guy’s a real asshole. Burke is a great choice for #1, especially since he tries so hard to explain how he’s the good guy even as he dooms people to their death.
In the Karate Kid, Johnny’s a jerk, but I’d list the Cobra Kei leader John Kreese as the bigger asshole. He even bullies Johnny and pushes them to be bullies. Can’t really argue with any of your picks. Commodus is the worst too. I’d probably shift Biff up there, especially since his family is awful in every generation.
Love it. Patrick Muldoon in Starship Troopers joining the punkass fleet instead of the mobile infantry and Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix were epic assholes as well.
Twitter: nevermindpop
November 17, 2011 1:25 pm
Winona Ryder as Abigail in The Crucible.
I would have loved to slapped her several times.
Twitter: kaiderman
November 17, 2011 4:41 pm
I LOVE that HAL is on your asshole list. haha
Twitter: videovangaurd
November 19, 2011 12:02 am
Great list Heather.Sweep the leg Johnny
I don’t think I would consider Hal to be an asshole because he’s only doing what he’s programed to do.
I would include Richard Vernon(The Principal) from “Breakfast Club” and Heather Duke(Shannon Doherty) from “Heathers” as some choices for all out A-holes of the cinema.
Twitter: Top10Films
November 23, 2011 3:08 pm
Give Carter Burke a medal for being a true movie asshole!
Some great choices here Heather, I agree with them all. Particularly Johnny from Karate Kid who I hated as a kid.