Horror Thursday, Reviews — May 19, 2011 at 2:00 am

HORROR THURSDAY: MARTYRS

by

Whizz! Bang! “Martyrs”! Just like that, homie.

Now, I’ve talked about “Martyrs” before but I’ve never given a full written review about it. I only talked about it when I did see it cause I needed to get it out of my head and the only way to do that was to talk to anybody who would listen. Unfortunately, those people are now scarred for life.

Stop sending me your therapist bills. I can’t pay my own, why you think I’m gonna pay for yours?

There’s no easy way to talk about this movie, and if you’re not familiar with how I review movies, I will warn you now: I will be vulgar and there will be spoilers. In fact, any review I do here from this point will have the same set of warnings. Well, I think my 100th review might have some male nudity, but that’s to be expected.

Ok, I’ve stalled long enough. “Martyrs”.

The film starts with a little girl named Lucie running away. It looks like she clawed her way out of a “Saw” movie. But what’s about to happen will make the “Saw” films look like a Pixar movie. Lucie is found by the police but she’s so fucked up that she isn’t able to talk. Investigators check out where they found her and they find a torture chamber of sorts.

Lucie is sent to an orphanage and soon she becomes friends with Anna. Anna wants to know what happened, but Lucie still won’t talk. When she does talk, all she keeps bringing up is this fucked up demon that shows up every night to hurt Lucie.

Flashforward aabout 10-15 years later and we now focus on a typical family on a normal Sunday morning. They’re talking, laughing, eating breakfast when suddenly there’s a knock on the door. It’s an adult Lucie. And she’s got a gun. If only Aerosmith wrote a song to warn us.

Lucie pretty much shoots the entire family in cold blood, even the little kids who were running away. Anna shows up, unsure of what Lucie has done. Lucie swears the adults were the same people that tortured her when she was a kid.

At this point in the movie, you think you’re in for a revenge flick. Lucie got her revenge, but there’s still a whole hour left to go. What could possibly happen next? I only wish I could go back to this point in my life, when the world was a beautiful place. When birds were singing. Oh…”Martyrs”, what have you done to me?

Ok, Anna helps Lucie hide the bodies, but the Mom is still alive! And Lucie keeps seeing this demon. The demon looks like a twisted human chick but she’s all fucked up. She keeps attacking Lucie. There’s also the problem of Anna doesn’t see the demon because the demon is only in Lucie’s mind!

Anna is torn between helping the Mom or Lucie and her imaginary demon friend. Thankfully, Lucie makes the choice for her: Lucie kills the demon, which just means she killed herself. The Mom ends up dead somehow. Yes, I forgot. The last 45 minutes of this movie blocked it. When I get to it, you will see, so don’t go clicking that email button and start writing that hate mail.

Anna is in a house full of dead bodies and she doesn’t know what to do. I know! Call your mother! Your mom is always so helpful! Except Anna’s mom is kind of a bitch, which explains why Anna ran away to begin with and ended up in an orphanage.

While talking to her Mom, Anna notices a secret passage way and she goes to investigates. Inside this passage way, she notices a torture chamber similar to what Lucie was in. So this family WAS torturing people. Whoa! But here’s a bigger WHOA! Somebody is in there!

I’m not THAT good at describing things to describe how fucked up this chick was. She’s naked, but pale as fuck. She’s bald, got a billion cuts on her body, and last but not least has a plate screwed into her head, which is also blocking her eyesight.

Maybe I’m better at describing things than I thought.

Anna unchains the girl and has her soak into a tub. Now, Anna doesn’t know what to do and while she thinks, Basement Girl has a freak out and is about to kill Anna when suddenly a ton of guys with guns show up, killing the girl. Then they take custody of Anna.

They take Anna into the torture chamber, chain her up, and soon an old woman shows up and starts explaining shit. What I’m about to explain is the central key to this entire movie. And it also marks the turning point of this movie. It was a cool little revenge flick until it makes this sharp left turn and now you’re stuck on this cab ride from hell!

Yeah, I said cab ride from hell. Got a problem with that?

The old woman explains that she’s the head of this secret society who’s sole purpose is to find out what happens to us when we die. There’s some ancient prophecy that states only a young woman can find this out and return to Earth to report on it. But in order to get the women to do it: they must be tortured within an inch of their lives.

The next 20 minutes of this film should be shown to suspected sex offenders and if they get a boner, they should just be murdered. Cause what happens for, LITERALLY (I’m not the type to just causally throw the word literally around) 20 minutes is two different dudes come into Anna’s cell and beat the shit out of her. That’s it. For TWENTY MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES, a dude punching a girl.

I’m all for fake movie violence but around the 10 minute mark I was screaming “I GET IT I GET IT STOP IT!! AHHHHHH!!!!” But it gets worse. They beat her, they insult her, they chop her hair off, she has to piss in a chair, she has to eat paste, and she gets beaten more.

Honestly, I don’t know how I made it through all of that. I think I kept telling myself “SOMETHING has to happen after this, right? It can’t just end like this, could it?” Well, something does happen: they skin her alive.

So now she’s skin-less and soon she dies…but she comes back! She saw what happened! They report to the old woman, who goes “Wow” and, I’m not kidding here, shoots HERSELF in the head. Oh, did I mention the old woman moved Anna to some location that only SHE knows where it’s at?

The old woman is dead and Anna is just sitting on a table with no skin and fuck you person who sat through this movie cause this is the end. We’re not explaining dick.

Ok, not every movie has to have a happy ending, especially a horror movie. There are horror movies and there are borderline snuff films. Calling this a snuff film is a bit of a stretch, but it sure as hell felt like one. I don’t even know how to rate this. This movie isn’t for anybody. Well, anybody with a soul. Here’s the sad thing: the acting was great, the writing was great, and the direction was great. If you like this movie, no-if you LOVE this movie, you should kill yourself because you are not human. If you like revenge horror films, watch only the first hour and make up your own ending. The rating I’m giving this is not because I liked it, but because there is a good horror movie in there somewhere and it got lost. So be careful if you EVER decide to watch this.

♥♥

-Jason

PS: I’m aware that there are horror fans that do seem to like this movie. To them I say: Bring it!

3 Comments

  • Good review Jason.

    I think the fact that this film is able to make even seasoned horror fans so uncomfortable, makes it great. Even though I don’t ‘like’ it, and it will be a long time before I consider watching it again, if ever. I still respect what it accomplishes.

  • I’ve heard nothing but absolutely brutal things about this movie, and it sounds like they’re all pretty dead-on. Maybe I’ll finally get around to this next October or so, but, yeah, not to big on the whole snuff film angle either.

  • You see, movies like this is why I’m happy to not be pigeon-holed into being a “horror” guy.

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