Redbox is to video rentals as McDonald’s is to fine dining. It’s not really for hardcore movie fans like us. It’s for “regular” people who think Michael Bay movies are awesome, think Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Alvin-geddon is a cute movie, and probably think Two and a Half Men is the best sitcom in the past 20 years.
I don’t often do Redbox because they only stock new/just released “popular” films, along with old “popular” films. But, for whatever reason, they stock a lot of shitty horror films. Sure, they put in a couple of good recent horror films but every time I tried to rent them, they were out of stock. You know what horror film was NOT out of stock?
Now, if I’m not a fan of Redbox, why was I there? Because this week I thought it’d be fun and different to do a fucking horrible horror movie. As of now, you all seen me like several types of movies, ranging from vampires to chicks sticking machetes up dudes asses and finally a human centipede. But you never seen me angry. Most people like me when I get angry. I wanted to get angry for you guys this week. And where does one go to get a movie to get angry at?
Now that I’ve cleverly written my opening, here’s this fucking movie which I’m going to spoil the review for you right now: DO NOT SEE THIS FUCKING TERRIBLE MOVIE!!!! Much like “sirens” in real life, you should just tie yourself to your, uh, car and drive on past until the danger is over. Damn, that part was pretty clever, I should save that for the final paragraph. Pretend you didn’t just read that.
The film starts with a hot chick with nice tits in a tight red dress in the middle of nowhere. She spots a car and walks to it. Inside the car is seriously the biggest douche I’ve ever seen in a movie, and I sometimes watch Michael Bay films. (TWO Bay slams! Can I go for three?!)
The chick gets into the car against her better judgement and they drive off. They stop at some broke down rest stop area and she goes into the bathroom. Douchey McGee follows her into the bathroom and kicks in all the stalls until finding her in the last one.
There, he proceeds to start fondling her and tries to fuck her. So…a douche trying to fuck a girl in a red dress. Is this The Matrix? I don’t want my Jesus to be a douche. Sadly, this isn’t The Matrix. During the fucking, the girl, who’s name is Rachel, spots the girl from The Ring in the next stall and freaks out.
This turns her off. Care to guess if the guy cares?
It turns out these two are a long time couple and they were just playing a sex game. Fantastic. Douche’s name is Ken and they’re going to meet another guy named Marco. There, they’re gonna sail to…somewhere. And we’re currently in….somewhere else. Yeah, this movie doesn’t really care.
When talking to the habor master, he mentions they’ll be sailing near the spot that supposedly The Odyssey took place, including the sirens. You remember that from English class, right? If not, Nick Jobe made a movie about it a couple of years ago, go look for that.
Anyway, if you don’t remember, the sirens tried to lured sailors to their death by singing a song, making them fall in love with them or something. The main character tied himself to his boat and had his crew plow on through until they went past them. Actually, I don’t recall that part in Nick’s version. Damn movie versions, leaving shit out from the book.
So they get on the boat, Ken and Rachel fuck on the boat while Marco is steering and ignoring the fucking going on 10 feet below his feet, and not a whole lot of interesting stuff happens. We’re about 25 minutes into this movie and I’m bored to tears. And to quote Steve Carell from Date Night, Ken really really REALLY needs to put on a fucking shirt!
Finally, Marco spots an island and some dude is waving for help. Marco heads there, which somehow destroys the boat. It was like *thud* “AWW THE BOAT’S BROKE! DAMN, I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF THE MOVIE HERE!!”
The dude signaling for help swims to the boat and starts yelling in another language. Soon, he pulls out a knife and kills himself on the boat. Wondering what the fuck that was about, they drag his body to the island and bury him.
While burying him, they spot another chick named Silka (Hey, that’s the kind of milk I buy…I’m lactose intolerant. You’re welcome for that information btw) and she’s acting weird. It’s 35 minutes into the movie and I’m screaming “SING YOUR SONG AND KILL THEM ALREADY!”
Yeah, this movie tries to play up the fact that Silka ISN’T a siren but you knew she was so why waste time? Just get with the…whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to do.
The movie slows down, again, as everyone just talks. We learn Marco has feelings for Rachel. Rachel has nice tits. Silka’s kinda hot. Ken wants to have a threesome with Rachel and Silka because he thinks it’ll help Silka remember what happened (AKA how she got on the island). So lesson learned: have a hard time remembering something? Have a threesome! That’ll jog your memory!
Things sort of pick up when Rachel and Silka get naked and go out for a night swim. And Silka just randomly starts singing a song. There we go, finally. Here’s where some lesbian undertones start but it’s like the filmmakers were afraid to go there. Dude (I’m assuming dude), you’re making a horror movie. You know who watches horror movies? Guys like me who want lesbians! Just do it! AND SHOW SOME TITS ALREADY!!
Something made Ken and Marco leave the water and while doing whatever, they both pass out. When they wake up, Marco is on the boat and he spots Ken covered in blood and Rachel’s dead body. When Ken wakes up, he’s on the boat and the dead guy from earlier is now alive and trying to cut Ken’s leg and/or dick off. It wasn’t very clear honestly.
These turn out to be dreams and they both wake up on the island and it’s now daytime. Meanwhile, Rachel and Silka are sleeping naked and holding each other. ARRGH WHY OFF CAMERA?!? Anyway, Ken thinks something is wrong and wants to leave. Silka starts laughing, which pisses Ken off so he slaps her. Nice move, douche.
They leave Silka on the island and head to the boat to fix it. While fixing it, Rachel hears the song and swims back to the island. When the boat turns on (seriously, what the fuck was wrong with it to begin with??) they find Rachel missing, so they have to go get her.
On the island, Rachel finds Silka and they have more near lesbian experiences when Ken and Marco show up. Silka vanishes and Rachel is confused. Ken tries to lead them back to the boat but they end up lost, of course. Soon, we get a Silent Hill vibe when suddenly Marco ends up in some alternate plane of reality.
By the way, at this point when they were looking for Rachel, they said her name roughly 200 million times. So I’m a bit sick of the name Rachel right now, which is unfortunate cause I know about 80 girls named Rachel. I guess it’ll be ok as long as no one starts calling it out a bunch of times.
Silka shows up and kills Marco and now it’s Ken’s turn in the alternate plane of reality. Ken spots Marco and freaks out. When Rachel figures it all out (please let us in on it!!) Ken shows back up and they try to leave the island. Silka shows up, Ken stabs her but doesn’t kill her. This causes Silka to turn into a demon and flat out kill Ken. This scene was kinda cool, I’ll be honest.
So now it’s Rachel and Silka. They’re about to make out AGAIN when Rachel stabs Silka and she dies. So…yay? But no, there had to be some final twist, which I don’t fucking understand. Rachel is standing on the island and someone with a motorboat comes by. Rachel waves at them slowly, then she looks thoughtful into the sun and the movie ends.
Ok, so is she a siren now? Is she waving for help? Is she gassy? Argh, fucking explain something!!! This movie is annoying and stupid and-what analogy was I going to use? I forget. Hang on let me have a threesome to remember.
Oh, right. Much like “sirens” in real life, you should just tie yourself to your, uh, car and drive on past until the danger is over. You’ll be better off watching a Michael Bay film. BOOM! Three times, baby!