Horror Thursday, Reviews — June 9, 2011 at 3:00 am

HORROR THURSDAY: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

by

This week, as it was reported here at “Man, I Love Films”, the sequel to The Human Centipede was banned in England due to it being all sorts of fucked up (exact words from the report). I figured this would be a GREAT time to take a look at the first film, to see how much farther the sequel will have to go.

True story.

Mid-October of last year, I’m doing a trip to Target to get some things. As always, I snoop through the DVD department to see if anything went on sale or what’s new for the week. The particular week I went, there was one movie that was new:

MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!

My exact reaction to this was “WHAT?? WHY IS TARGET SELLING THIS???” Then I had to explain to security why I was screaming in their DVD aisle. I have not seen the movie at this point but I knew a few things about it. I knew some fucked up shit happened. I knew it was kinda gross. And probably just not right. So why is Target selling this? Why am I not finding this movie at a flea market or at some crusty shady video store or out of some guys van? Really? This movie is available to the public to buy all willy-nilly? Wow!

So I bought it.

The movie starts and it plays out like a typical horror movie. Some creepy looking guy. Two stupid (and I mean STUPID) girls. Dark night. Woods. Car breaks down. Instead of, say, walking down the fucking road they were on, these two geniuses head off into the woods. There, they find a nice house. They knock on the door and creepy dude answers. He immedately drugs their drinks and they pass out.

They wake up, find themselves tied to hospital beds and learn creepy guy is/was a doctor and he wants to make the worlds first Human Centipede by connecting them mouth-to-ass. There’s a Japanese guy who only speaks Japanese, which makes for an interesting “head” of said centipede.

After a half-hour of waiting, the centipede is unveiled and nobody is too happy with this situation they find themselves in. And it’s here that it stops being a B-movie and turns into Jason’s worst nightmare. Oh my god, I need to go back in time and redo the Halloween episode of the LAMBcast cause this is my number one of things that freak me out: being a fucking human centipede!

This shit is fucked up, yo! And here’s the kicker: the Japanese dude HAS TO SHIT IN THE GIRLS MOUTH!! We don’t see actual shit going into her mouth but the emotions are there. Especially when the dude is like “I HAVE TO SHIT I’M SORRY!!”

Despite all three people, or one human centipede, being basically naked, we don’t see the girls tits, which was a bit dissapointing cause the girls were hot. As my friend Bill said to me later, considering the situation, would I have really enjoyed it? Probably not. But still.

So the only reason this is even happening is cause creepy German doctor is CA-RAZY!! He doesn’t intend to create something the scientific community has never seen before. He just wants a “pet” made up of three sad human beings, two of which are forced to eat shit FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!

Stop reading for a second and imagine this. You wake up, find yourself connected to the ass of someone. And you have to eat shit for the rest of your life. Try not to be disturbed by that. Go ahead and cry. I know I did.

And FUCK YOU people, who were all like “Ohh, this movie is stupid. It’s not scary or disturbing. It was boring. Blah blah blah.” WHAT! THE! FUCK! IS! WRONG! WITH! YOU!! Are you a serial killer? Do you NOT have any emotions or souls? Are you just dead inside?

Seriously. Stare at this image and try NOT to get depressed.

 

Granted, the people in the movie are kinda throwaway characters but still, we’re watching HUMAN BEINGS sewn mouth to ass, forced to eat shit, because some creepy crazy doctor guy wants a unique pet. I mean FUCK ME! For those of you NOT phased by this movie, you need to email me your address. I got some roofies and an angry Japanese guy who likes to shit a lot with your name on it.

So the final 30 minutes is REALLY crazy. Some cops show up. Creepy crazy doctor yells at them, tries to roofie them, the human centipede is slowly trying to escape. SPOILER FOR THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE BUT MOST LIKELY YOU DON’T CARE BUT JUST IN CASE!!!

….

Japanese dude kinda decides to just kill himself. The second chick who’s the tail end of this centipede is dying of some weird blood thing or something. Or starvation. Whatever. The middle chick is kinda screwed cause now she’s got dead bodys on both ends of her. Crazy doctor is killed, along with the cops, and the camera simply pans up and ends. Most likely that chick is dead within 24 hours cause she obviously can’t move. Even if some more cops come looking for the other cops, it’ll be too late.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Crazy doctor pulled out the girls teeth, inserted an esophogus into their throats, connected to the ass, into their stomaches. No amount of plastic surgery is gonna fix that. So yeah, second girl is screwed. The end.

God, I never had nightmares until this movie entered my life. And you know what that means? I FUCKING LOVED IT! God, I’m sick, aren’t I? I should get some help. And if you read this far, congratulations, you just read a major breakthrough about me. I’m gonna be looking up psychiatrists now. In two years, I’m gonna be a different person. Writing about Diane Keaton movies where Katherine Heigel plays her daughter and it’s based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. And I’ll be wearing a beret.

Fuck, just kill me now.

♥♥♥♥

-Jason

PS: It has come to my attention that some people don’t understand why I, and others, would like to watch fucked up shit like this. Clearly, I was disturbed by what I saw, but I’m also able to say to myself “This is just a shitty (no pun intended) movie with a fucked up premise” and movies are probably the number 2 source of escaping realism. If I want to watch a good looking guy hook up with a hot chick and have boring couple adventures, I’ll go live with my neighbors. In conclusion, it’s always nice to see how crazy people act. Why that’s entertaining, I don’t know. Thank you.

31 Comments

  • I can’t help bit wonder.. How long did filming take? In other words, how long did the girls have to have their faces taped to someone’s heiny? Were they on a strict diet of no beans or cabbage?

  • I’ve seen this one at redbox but have never been able to commit to watching it. Mad props.

  • If you haven’t already, you should check out the musical version of this film Emerson College performed recently (it’s on YouTube).

    All the singing certainly takes some of the sting out of it.

  • First, this movie wasn’t all that disturbing (yeah, I’m one of those). It’s definitely weird and messed up, but it didn’t really bug me. It was too weird and comical to take seriously.

    Second, you do see the girls’ boobs. It’s brief and only here and there, but you can see them.

    Third, the girl on the end dies of infection.

    That’s all. 🙂

  • Yes, as you know, I’m one of those people that doesn’t get why anyone would enjoy watching this (or Salo, or A Serbian Film, or Run! Bitch Run!, or…). I just don’t see what’s escapist about watching people be tortured and/or raped onscreen. Whoo!

    Of course, I’m much more disturbed by the people that thought it was a good idea for a movie in the first place. Ooohhh, maybe we could make a movie called Human Bowling Ball, where we sew people together into a giant ball, then roll them down hills where they try to knock over giant pins made up of other sewn-up people! Of course, they will all be sewn together ass-to-ear, so that when the first person shits, the other’s brain will literally be full of shit! What fun that will be.

    • That sounds amazing…

      Greenlight that shit now!

      (pun intended)

    • Ok, maybe not EVERY person on the planet feels this way, but in MOST people, there’s that dark side of your mind that goes “I wonder what it would be like if someone’s mouth was sewn to someone’s ass?” or “I wonder what it would look like if a machete went in some guys ass?” and have just enough sense to realize if they went out and did these things themselves, they’ll be arrested and imprisioned for life.

      Which is why we have horror movies. We have an outlet to not only let these ideas out without really hurting people, but we also can see for ourselves.

      I’m smart enough (and too good looking) to avoid prison if I can help it but I watch horror movies (mainly) to watch violent behavior. I’m sure if I really went to a therapist, they’d have a field day on me.
      -Jason

      • And you want to keep ME away from children…

      • And, to be fair, I find mutilation and deformation more disturbing than most people, and thowing anuses (ani?) into the mix just multiples the revolting-ness of it all. We’ve been desensitized to more violence than we can even be aware of after years of seeing people mowed down, limbs amputated, blood spewing, etc., but I don’t want to be desensitized to stuff like Centipede. That might even be a more screwed up thing – had the crazy doctor merely killed these people immediately, I wouldn’t bat an eye, since that’s not news or disgusting.

        But yeah, I don’t wonder about those things. Not to get all overdramatic, but there’s enough shit in real life – I don’t feel the urge to dream up more creative ways to fuck with people.

        • Again, fair enough. I didn’t say EVERYBODY felt that way. But there are reasons people flock to horror reasons, whether they want to admit it or not.

          Congratulations, Dylan, you’re the most normal person I ever met EVER in my life. Whenever we meet in real life, I will have to hug you or something.

          • And here I thought we’d established that you’re the one that needs a hug.

            Thanks! (I think.)

  • Very disturbing movie. I almost didn’t watch it. I agree, the middle chic is screwed…I mean even if you could be surgically removed, what is left?

    I prefer the South Park version – HUMANCENTiPAD!

  • It wasn’t that bad a film as far as you would think. Not very gory… more disturbing in idea which is what makes good horror. Hostel was harder to watch than this from a gory image stand point.
    Ultimately, I just like that this exists in the horror world. My wife thinks I am desensitized and insane and dirty for watching it. But it really is a movie that just fucks with you on another level.
    Now, the sequel is just gonna be a fucked up blood bath. That’s another story!

  • My cousin went to a screening of it with director Tom Sixx, and he had people in the audience get in the centipede position for prizes. Eff yeah.

  • A theatre in Melbourne projected this, so I had a chance to see it on the big screen. Pretty messed up. And I actually thought it was genuinely suspenseful at times (that chase up spiral staircase at the end was damn thrilling given how slow everyone was moving). The ending doesn’t make any sense, but I liked it because of how grim it is. Great review as always Jason!

  • Here’s a fun game you can play. Pick any three people and plan where on the Human Centipede you’d put them.

    For example: 1-Nick, 2-Kai, 3-Dylan.

    Of course, I’d be the mad scientist! 😀
    -Jason

    • Well, at least I’m at the front and have the least to lose… especially assuming if I’m saved, surgery on me would cause the least amount of after-damage.

  • Well, this certainly does provide a new interpretation for “ass to mouth.”

  • OK. Rare female horror film fan here. I am one of those who thought the movie was very boring. Loved your review though, quit hilarious. I must admit that I like horror for the story. I can stomach the gore but I don’t watch it for the gore. I’m a mental health counselor so I get a front seat to a lot of messed up stuff in real life. I will watch part two! I would love to find the movie that actually bothers me. 🙂

  • Yeah, I’m sorry, I have to say that THC was awful. It basically took a terrifying premise and shit it away. The whole concept is horrifying but the movie’s execution is just plain bad.

    And for the record, I watch any type of horror I can get my hands on.

    • HA! “shit it away”! I see what you did there! Hilarious!

      And honestly, what were you expecting? It’s about three people sewn ass to mouth. I doubt anyone was expecting any character development of some sort.
      -Jason

      • I didn’t really need the characters to develop so much as I just needed them to do SOMETHING. Considering the gravity of the unthinkable situation they were in I expected them to go to extremes. The 3 characters were basically just a spectacle for the first 2/3 of the movie. I guess I just thought it had more potential for suspense.

  • I thought the HC1 was just about bearable as it wasn’t that graphic, but as for HC2 I managed to puke several times, the thought of people being forced to shit in each other’s mouth was vile and disgusting and seeing the guy have his arse sliced open made me cry :’) I do adore saws 1-7 and all 3 hostel movies but this was just something else haha xD

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