This is going to be an interesting review, not only because this movie is pretty fucking weird, but because I’m getting sick and I’m highly medicated. Oddly enough, it seems I’m always medicated when I watch these weird ass movies, and I always have to write about them while medicated.
I guess what I’m saying is if you attempt to watch Thankskilling, watch it medicated.
Sign that this movie could’ve been written by me #1: the very first scene is of a boob. A literal close up of a boob. The owner of said boob belong to a female pilgrim, who’s running around the woods with her boobs out for some unknown reason. Well, I know the reason. The filmmakers said “Hey run around the woods with your tits out. It’ll be awesome.”
So boobie pilgrim is running from…something. We learn this something is a talking turkey, who says “Hey! Nice tits!” before axing her. And that’s sign #2 this movie could’ve been written by me.
After the credits, we meet our annoyingly horrible actors that we’ll be staring at for the next hour. There’s the fat hillbilly named Bill, the jock named Johnny (No shit, he’s obsessed with football and even THROWS a football while running. The right people will get that reference.), the slutty chick named…Carrie? I forget. The virgin nice girl named Kristen and finally the know-it-all nerd named Darren.
Another reference maybe two people will get: Darren looked kind of like Daniel O’Brien from Cracked.com. I couldn’t get that out of my head. I even thought it was him the first time I seen this. And yes, I am indicating I’ve seen this more than once.
Anyway, these five people are leaving college on THANKSGIVING BREAK! WOO!!! BOOBIES!!!! Ok so, the slutty chick is fucking hot as hell…but she doesn’t show her tits at any point. I don’t get the point of casting a hot chick to play a slutty chick if she’s not gonna get topless. Whatever.
The kids are heading home and while on the road, Darren tells them the legend of THANKSKILLING!! So the day after the pilgrims arrived, one pilgrim, Billy’s ancestor, raped an Indian chick. The chief Indian wasn’t happy about this, so he raised a vengeful demon and put it in the body of a turkey. So now every 505 years, the turkey returns and kills white people.
Got all that?
So this being the 505th year, the turkey rises from the grave, kills a dog, then goes after the five kids. Then the most ridiculous shit starts happening. Mainly, people don’t think he’s a turkey, but a human being. There’s a scene where the turkey hitchhikes and a guy picks it up, and tries to fuck it. The turkey doesn’t like that a whole lot and kills him.
There’s another scene where the turkey killed Kristen’s dad, cuts off his face, and wears it as a mask, PRETENDING to be her dad and she falls for it. It’s all very surreal.
Alright, so the turkey is going after the kids, he kills the slutty chick after fucking her with a gravy-flavored condom, and then he kills Johnny’s parents. Realizing enough is enough, the kids decide to try to find a way to kill it. But how? Well, Kristen’s Dad has a “collection of books” so they comb through them to find just the right book to kill the turkey.
Armed with the knowledge, they go look for the turkey to kill it but he’s killing Billy. There’s an hilarious montage where Billy and Darren are skipping through a meadow because they were best friends. It needs to be seen to be believed.
So they find the turkey, do all the stuff they need to do, many turkey puns are used, like “Gobble gobble, motherfucker!” or “you just got stuffed!”, until a hermit shoots it and throws it into a bucket of radioactive material. Of course.
At Kristen’s house, the radioactive turkey returns to kill Johnny and Darren. Kristen lights it on fire and throws it on a random neatly stacked pile of wood that just happened to be in her backyard. The turkey burns but will is that the end? Will it return? IN SPACE EVEN!?
I’m not gonna lie, I loved this movie. It’s so fucking stupid and crazy but it was just stupid and crazy enough. Clearly, nobody took this movie seriously and it’s a spot-on parody of horror films. The acting is TERRIBLE and the movie is only an hour long. There are worse things you could do that last an hour. Like say, accidently burn your dick off. Or whatever female body part if you’re a chick.
And with that, I wish you and you’re a Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble gobble, motherfucker!