Horror Thursday, Reviews — April 19, 2012 at 3:00 am

HORROR THURSDAY: WOLF CREEK

by

To all you people who don’t read my reviews, quickly jump to the end for a special announcement of sorts! Now that I have that out of the way, let’s fucking talk about Wolf Creek.

I have one Mr. Kai Parker to thank for this movie. I won this movie for coming in second place in his tournament of champions for The Game on The MILFcast. I did have the option to pick whatever movies I wanted and I picked this cause I haven’t seen it yet and I figured what the hell, free copy. Now that I’ve seen it, let me tell you: Free is paying too much for this movie.

Oh my fucking god, yo. Alright, we’re introduced to our three main characters, none of which are given names until a fucking hour into the movie. There’s a guy and two girls. I have no idea how they know each other. I do know the guy has a crush on one of the girls and seems chummy with the other girl. I thought maybe the chummy girl was his sister but I can’t find nothing to support this.

The guy buys a shitty car and they pack it up and are about to drive across Australia for some reason. This film taught me that everything I ever heard about Australia is true: all people do is party or murder. This movie shows both sides. Unfortunately, we get more of the party side than the murder side.

Not that I like murder, it’s just I’m watching a fucking horror movie, give me some fucking horror, will ya! GOD! ANYWAY!

They get in their car and start driving and I promise you I am not exaggerating when I say we spend FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES of this movie watching these people sit in a car, go camping, flirt with each other, talk about UFO’s, and gas up.

The movie gets mildly interesting when they get gas at a place called Emu Creek, which I’m guessing was a rejected title for the movie. Wolf Creek. Emu Creek. Which sounds scarier?

Anyway, at Emu Creek, there’s some roughnecks inside a bar/gas station and they want to fuck the girls. The guy is like “Uh no thank you” and politely leave. I thought these were our villains. I guess this is a “red herring”. But enough of that interesting shit, let’s watch our heroes walk around a crater for 20 minutes!

Yes, the Wolf Creek in the title refers to a crater somewhere in Australia and these three were making a pit stop here before going to wherever the fuck they were going. After messing around the crater for hours, and we get a short kiss of the guy and the girl he’s got a crush on, they go back to the car to find it won’t start.

It’s now dark and a giant ass truck shows up and a pretty friendly guy named Mick gets out and asks if he could help them. Since he’s super friendly, all three say “sure” and agree to let him tow them back to his workshop to fix the car. OK! Something’s gonna happen here right?

NOPE! MORE TALKING!! FUCK! It’s 45 minutes into the god damn movie! Can’t SOMETHING resembling a horror movie happen already! JESUS!!

Ok, they all go to sleep and when one of the girls wakes up, she’s found bound and gagged in a shed. FUCKING FINALLY! This is the 50 minute mark. The movie is 100 minutes long. ย We finally get to the horror movie stuff but guess what? THEY FUCK THAT UP TOO!!

The girl manages to stop Mick early enough and they manage to escape only to have the guy get up and chase after them. The girls trick Mick into thinking they’re dead but it doesn’t last too long and frankly, at this point, I just didn’t fucking care. I really didn’t.

To sum up, Mick manages to kill one of the girls while the other escapes to the road. While getting some help, Mick shows up to kill a nice guy trying to help out and soon chases the other girl. Mick eventually just kills her and burns her body.

And I shut the movie off, gave it the finger, and came in here to write this god damn review. I don’t even care what happened to the guy. Mick could’ve went back and raped the shit out of him for all I care. FUCK THIS MOVIE! It’s boring and mean spirited for no reason and I just hated it so much. Seriously, Australia, can’t you do better than this? FUCK!

NO LOVE!

Ok, now that I alienated half my horror readers, let’s do something fun! Since May will mark the one year anniversary of Man, I Love Films, and I’ve written for them that whole entire year, I want to give back to the awesome readers of this section by doing Reader Recommendations! What I want you people to do is in the comment section, just name some movies you’d like me to watch throughout May and I will watch and review them. There are some catches:

1.It must be a horror movie. If you’re not sure, check IMDb, although it’ll probably be listed as an action crime drama.

2. It must be a movie I haven’t reviewed either here or at Invasion of the B-Movies. If you’re not sure, go here and look under “Reviews”. It’s SOMEWHAT updated.

3. It’d be awesome if it was easily available on Netflix, either Instant Watch or DVD. I do have an awesome collection of strange and rare gems, so you might get lucky.

And that’s it. Next week I’ll pick out some at random and every Thursday in May I shall review the HELL out of them! Cool? Cool!

Sorry that I hated Wolf Creek. But FUCK THAT MOVIE!

-Jason

24 Comments

  • Well P2 with Wes Bentley won’t be MOTM but I’d love for you to review it.

  • Wow, I actually liked this movie for all the reasons you hated it. Of course, I haven’t seen it since it came out. I wonder if I’d still feel the same way.

    • People seem to like slow horror movies. I dunno, when I watch a horror movie, I kinda wanna be, oh I don’t know, horrified! If it takes 50 fucking minutes before anything remotely scary happens, then you’re just wasting my time. And even when that Mick guy showed up, he was so friendly at first, I thought “surely he’s not the bad guy?” But whatever. Tomato, tomahto.
      -Jason

  • I haven’t seen this since it first hit DVD, and was pretty “meh” about it all the way back then. I didn’t hate it, didn’t like it, it was just sort of there.

    My entry into the “What should Jason watch?” sweepstakes would be Undocumented, a 2010 horror starring a masked Peter Stormare.

  • You gotta watch Nightmare in a Damaged Brain (or just called Nightmare), a great and way underseen horror flick. Just a heads up the ending sucks but the rest of it is awesome

  • People like this sort of pace because it’s something “real movies” (e.g., drama, comedies by Steven Spielberg) do. I appreciate it as well. They can’t all have the pace of a zombie splatterfest, y’know? Movies like The Descent and others care about character and pace and try to give the movie time to breathe.

    That said, yes f this movie. It’s vicious, really, and I don’t need to see any of the ways that random burly Aussie sociopath likes to hurt people (Australia is pretty, tho, and looked nice). It’s also very forced to have good guys run from the downed murderer, just so they can be brutalized later. Obviously the last 20 mins here were the most important idea for the director.

    Obviously, an ending that black – and claiming that a good many have vanished from there irl – is pretty cool. But I can’t blame you for being angry at getting an art house thriller/torture porn, with an incredibly slow pace. You’d probably feel the exact same way about Audition, another movie I didn’t enjoy, so

  • Oh, sorry… watch Hell Gate (1990) where a gang just walks into a diner and tries to assault a woman on a table. The owner pulls a gun and tells them to leave – and is fine with them taking their sex assault to go, apparently, because he doesn’t even try to help the girl!

    It’s classic sucky 80s/90s b-movie horror.

  • Yeah, I’m with Thad. That shit you hate is tension and pacing. It’s a peave I have with Horror too but most Horror films do it. That’s why I hate when 4 people gop to the woods because you all ready know you’re only getting 3 kills. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I liked this movie. It’s not a great entry but it’s up there with like Wrong Turn in my book. Enjoyable. I don’t agree when I hear Mick mentioned as one of the greatest Horror villains of all time.

    Can you believe this was a “Tarantino Presents” film?

    I like the one scene alot with the girl getting paralyzed essentially. That was way cool. I dunno… I do kind of resent you not watching it in entirety. I never review films if I don’t suffer thru them but I guess I understand.

    This was the best part of this whole thing: check IMDb, although itโ€™ll probably be listed as an action crime drama. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Have you ever reviewed Pontypool, Jason? That’s one of those films, supposed to be Zombie-esque, that everyone praised and I thought sucked. Love to hear what you thought.

    Also, love a review of the French film: Them.

    • He reviewed Pontypool already and didn’t care for it. Y’all both suck. Pontypool is freakin’ awesome!

    • I was just so fucking frustrated with this movie that I said “enough” and stopped it. I read up on what I missed and apparently I didn’t miss much. I only had like 5 more minutes to go. I guess my rating isn’t much more out of hate than it is frustration. And annoyance. I will say it was a well made film and the acting was decent enough. I did like the characters and felt bad they had to go through what they went through. But fucking hell, DO SOMETHING!
      -Jason

    • Dude, I’m with Jason on this one, Wolf Creek sucked donkey balls! By contrast, I dug Wrong Turn, but WC and the friend who recommended it, still owes me those minutes of my life back.

      Still haven’t seen Pontypool. Got to get on that.

      I’d love to see you review Thirst.

      Deadgirl, Grace, and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter are all horror movies in my queue I want to watch, or completely pass on if they suck.

      P2 is also in my queue so I’ll throw in a vote for it.

  • Offhand I have no idea if you can get Home Movie through Netflix at all, but if you can, do. If not that, Splinter; failing that, Santa Sangre.

    • I’m relatively sure he’s already seen Home Movie. But I do second Splinter. I saw that one on TV a while back and was pleasantly surprised by it.

    • If “Home Movie” is the one with the dude from “Heroes” having kids who are pretty much the spawn of Satan and it’s all done through “found footage”, then yes I’ve seen it. I felt I reviewed it somewhere, maybe here? I don’t remember. I’ve watched the beginning of “Santa Sangre” and will finish it, but the run time kinda made me go “eh…I’ll wait until I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do.”
      -Jason

  • Checked your other site and didn’t see these:

    1. My favorite werewolf movie – Dog Soldiers
    2. One of the scariest movie ever – Pet Semetary
    3. Totally underrated Vampire flick – John Carpenters Vampires
    4. Scared the shit out of me the first time I watched it, hope it holds up – Exorcist 3

  • How about a British horror. We do still make the odd movie over here.

    Eden Lake
    The Descent
    Kill List

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