To all you people who don’t read my reviews, quickly jump to the end for a special announcement of sorts! Now that I have that out of the way, let’s fucking talk about Wolf Creek.
I have one Mr. Kai Parker to thank for this movie. I won this movie for coming in second place in his tournament of champions for The Game on The MILFcast. I did have the option to pick whatever movies I wanted and I picked this cause I haven’t seen it yet and I figured what the hell, free copy. Now that I’ve seen it, let me tell you: Free is paying too much for this movie.
Oh my fucking god, yo. Alright, we’re introduced to our three main characters, none of which are given names until a fucking hour into the movie. There’s a guy and two girls. I have no idea how they know each other. I do know the guy has a crush on one of the girls and seems chummy with the other girl. I thought maybe the chummy girl was his sister but I can’t find nothing to support this.
The guy buys a shitty car and they pack it up and are about to drive across Australia for some reason. This film taught me that everything I ever heard about Australia is true: all people do is party or murder. This movie shows both sides. Unfortunately, we get more of the party side than the murder side.
Not that I like murder, it’s just I’m watching a fucking horror movie, give me some fucking horror, will ya! GOD! ANYWAY!
They get in their car and start driving and I promise you I am not exaggerating when I say we spend FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES of this movie watching these people sit in a car, go camping, flirt with each other, talk about UFO’s, and gas up.
The movie gets mildly interesting when they get gas at a place called Emu Creek, which I’m guessing was a rejected title for the movie. Wolf Creek. Emu Creek. Which sounds scarier?
Anyway, at Emu Creek, there’s some roughnecks inside a bar/gas station and they want to fuck the girls. The guy is like “Uh no thank you” and politely leave. I thought these were our villains. I guess this is a “red herring”. But enough of that interesting shit, let’s watch our heroes walk around a crater for 20 minutes!
Yes, the Wolf Creek in the title refers to a crater somewhere in Australia and these three were making a pit stop here before going to wherever the fuck they were going. After messing around the crater for hours, and we get a short kiss of the guy and the girl he’s got a crush on, they go back to the car to find it won’t start.
It’s now dark and a giant ass truck shows up and a pretty friendly guy named Mick gets out and asks if he could help them. Since he’s super friendly, all three say “sure” and agree to let him tow them back to his workshop to fix the car. OK! Something’s gonna happen here right?
NOPE! MORE TALKING!! FUCK! It’s 45 minutes into the god damn movie! Can’t SOMETHING resembling a horror movie happen already! JESUS!!
Ok, they all go to sleep and when one of the girls wakes up, she’s found bound and gagged in a shed. FUCKING FINALLY! This is the 50 minute mark. The movie is 100 minutes long. We finally get to the horror movie stuff but guess what? THEY FUCK THAT UP TOO!!
The girl manages to stop Mick early enough and they manage to escape only to have the guy get up and chase after them. The girls trick Mick into thinking they’re dead but it doesn’t last too long and frankly, at this point, I just didn’t fucking care. I really didn’t.
To sum up, Mick manages to kill one of the girls while the other escapes to the road. While getting some help, Mick shows up to kill a nice guy trying to help out and soon chases the other girl. Mick eventually just kills her and burns her body.
And I shut the movie off, gave it the finger, and came in here to write this god damn review. I don’t even care what happened to the guy. Mick could’ve went back and raped the shit out of him for all I care. FUCK THIS MOVIE! It’s boring and mean spirited for no reason and I just hated it so much. Seriously, Australia, can’t you do better than this? FUCK!
Ok, now that I alienated half my horror readers, let’s do something fun! Since May will mark the one year anniversary of Man, I Love Films, and I’ve written for them that whole entire year, I want to give back to the awesome readers of this section by doing Reader Recommendations! What I want you people to do is in the comment section, just name some movies you’d like me to watch throughout May and I will watch and review them. There are some catches:
1.It must be a horror movie. If you’re not sure, check IMDb, although it’ll probably be listed as an action crime drama.
2. It must be a movie I haven’t reviewed either here or at Invasion of the B-Movies. If you’re not sure, go here and look under “Reviews”. It’s SOMEWHAT updated.
3. It’d be awesome if it was easily available on Netflix, either Instant Watch or DVD. I do have an awesome collection of strange and rare gems, so you might get lucky.
And that’s it. Next week I’ll pick out some at random and every Thursday in May I shall review the HELL out of them! Cool? Cool!
Sorry that I hated Wolf Creek. But FUCK THAT MOVIE!