The second to last Reader’s Pick film is one that’s been on my radar for awhile, but I never got around to it. Thanks to someone suggesting it, I decided to jump in all the way and see what the big fuss is about. If there even is a big fuss. Is there a big fuss about this movie? I dunno, it just sounded cool to say.

Right away I’m not too happy cause there’s a trailer for Wolf Creek on the disc and I said “Aw fuck!” But then the movie proper started and I’ll say it’s NOTHING like Wolf Creek because in this movie, SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

We meet Jenny, a pretty hot school teacher and she’s dating Steve, who’s played by Michael Fassbender. I’m only mentioning that cause he’s gotten popular lately and I know the mere mention of his name makes all the ladies panties moisten. Michael Fassbender. See?

Jenny and Steve are planning a romantic weekend get away and they’re going to some quarry Steve use to go to as a kid. He hasn’t been there in some years so now the town the quarry is in is now overpopulated with douchebags. I guess this is called “foreshadowing”.  So Jenny and Steve head to this quarry, which is past a shit ton of trees, and they finally set up shop to swim, wear bikinis, and make out. But then a small group of kids show up, kinda minding their own business but at the same time, letting their dog bark at them and playing loud obnoxious music. Steve decides to “be a man” and tell the kids to shut up. Me? After watching this:

HELL NO!

Oh, did I mention this movie takes place in England? So Simon, sorry buddy, but I won’t be visiting you anytime soon. Yes, England has now been added to the long list of places I won’t visit thanks to movies. The others include: The South, Texas, the desert, any camp, Antarctica, parts of Africa, Australia, and now England. If they ever make a horror movie about Indianapolis, I’m fucked.

Anyway, the kids give Steve a hard time and tell him to “piss off then” and continue being assholes. Steve just goes back to his spot and they just sit there, literally doing nothing. Some vacation. Soon, the kids leave and then I slapped my forehead in astonishment when I found out THEY’RE FUCKING CAMPING THERE!!! Jesus, really? Why?

But oddly enough, the kids leave them alone during the night and Jenny and Steve are given the chance to actually, y’know, leave. But no, Steve does a lot of stupid things like:

-Find out where the kids are and go to their house.

-Break into said house for no real reason.

-When the father comes home, Steve hides and sneaks out the window.

-THEY GO BACK TO THE GOD DAMN QUARRY!!!

I sensed murder from these kids the INSTANT they were introduced, how is this fucker just gonna stay the night AGAIN?!

So they’re back at the quarry, doing whatever, when SOMEHOW the keys to their car was stolen by the kids. I don’t know how they didn’t notice this but what the fuck ever. They find the kids and the car and ask for the keys back when their dog attacks Steve and Steve accidently kills it. The leader of this gang, called Brett or Rickey depending on the scene and who’s asking for him, is so OVER THE FUCKING TOP angry about this. I was laughing cause the kid looked like a weird mash up of Matt Smith, the current Doctor Who, and Rob Thomas. Yeah, get that out of your heads.

Jenny and Steve get to the car but of course they crash. Steve is stuck due to a tree holding him against the seat, so Jenny gets out, goes 500 yards away, and just sleeps in a log until morning instead of GETTING SOME HELP! Jenny goes back to the car and finds Steve is gone. After some investigating, she finds Steve tied up and the kids circling him, taking turns cutting him open. A lot of them look like they rather be doing something else but Brett/Rickey is making them do it.

Jenny tries to call 911 or whatever they use over there but Brett/Rickey catches her and the rest of the movie is basically just the kids chasing Jenny, Jenny hiding from the kids, Jenny running into Steve, who gives her the engagement ring, Steve dying, and Jenny getting caught by the kids. The kids start a fire and try to burn Steve and Jenny, but Jenny manages to get away. She runs and hides some more, getting more and more dirtier the more the movie goes on. She finally gets pissed off and kills a couple of kids, which made me go “ABOUT FUCKING TIME!”

So I’m gonna talk about the ending. SPOILER ALERT cause this is probably a huge twist. Honestly, I figured SOMETHING was gonna happen but I didn’t expect this. Jenny manages to find her way to the road and get some help. Turns out the help is the older brother of one of the kids. Jesus, really? It’s worse enough that Jenny and the kids kept showing up in the same spots of this 1-billion acre piece of land but now she runs into their brother?

Jenny steals the car and heads back to town. She crashes the car and then a party, begging for help. The people at the party offer her help but hey guess what? These are the PARENTS OF THE KIDS TRYING TO KILL HER! Look at that! And of course the kids call their mums and tell them about a crazy lady trying to kill them. And of course the parents believe their darling angels, band together, and kill Jenny, while Brett/Rickey gets away with everything. THE END!

Not that I have a problem with unhappy endings, especially in horror movies. I know horror movies SHOULD have a unhappy ending. But when you watch, say, the final girl defeat Jason and she’s relaxing now, but here comes Jason with a machete to kill her before the credits roll, it’s expected cause Jason is a mystical creature who can’t die and seems to show up at will. With this movie, everybody, including the kids, are real life human beings. Some evil than others, but still human beings. I spent an hour and a half rooting for Jenny and hoping she’d make it and maybe kill these fucking kids and/or teach the parents some lesson but nope. Fuck that. She dies. Douchebaggary is rewarded. HOORAY! I actually felt sad when the credits rolled. I mean, what the fuck? It’s not like Jenny was some evil bitch, she was a nice lady who taught KINDERGARTEN! She had a boyfriend! She could be your sister, your friend, co-worker, whoever. But nope. She’s stuck in Douchebagville, killed by awful fucking parents for no fucking reason besides “we look out for our own”!

With that said, I didn’t mind the movie too much. I was aggravated by some of the stupid decisions made and the fact Steve had TWO CHANCES to leave before shit went down. And the overacting of Brett/Rickey just made it laughable. If you’re in a weird mood to get bummed out, I say go for it and give this movie a chance.

On that note, I’m gonna write a movie about some serial killers in Arizona.

♥♥

-Jason