For my second week of Reader Requests, I’ve taken on the task to talk about P2. I’ll be honest, I’ve always wanted to see this movie but at the same time, when you hear the plot of the movie, it sounds fucking stupid. Surely there are a billion ways to leave a parking garage. I’m gonna assume some super paranoid guy who HATES parking garages wrote this movie.

Oh fuck, Alexandre Aja wrote this movie! This is gonna be fucked up! Ah, but two other people wrote it, so whatever awesome he came up with will probably be watered down. SO!

It’s Christmas Eve and Angela is some businesswoman trying to work on her business and boy howdy business! I’m sure glad it’s clear what she does for a living! It involves being on the phone and working in an office and getting groped by drunk co-workers at Christmas parties. Boy, I want THAT job! Anyway, Angela is suppose to play Santa Claus (I guess) to her nieces so she has to hurry! She runs into the guy who played Myles in Terminator 2, who invented the cyborgs, and we see he uses a key to get the elevator to move. THIS IS IMORTANT! REMEMBER THIS! HIT YOU OVER THE FUCKING HEAD REMEMBER THIS SHIT!

Angela gets to her car and finds it won’t start. She goes to the security guard office and runs into Tom, played by Wes Bentley. I’ve always wondered if he was related to Paul Bentley but I couldn’t find any evidence. Hm. Anyway, Tom gladly offers to try to fix her car, then ask her out for Christmas dinner. She refuses the creepy advances and manages to get to the lobby of her building to call a cab. Well, I guess the movie is cancelled! YAY! WE GET TO GO OUTSIDE! I’ll throw a water balloon at Dylan and-

Oh. She falls asleep and wakes up to find she’s locked in the building and the cab decides to leave her ass cause she lives in New York City. So she goes back to Tom for help but he turns all the lights off and chloroforms the fuck out of her. When she wakes up, she’s in a nice dress that shows her tits very nicely. Oh and she’s chained to a table. And Tom is across from her, acting like this is a date.

So Tom is obsessed with Angela and this was the only way he could get her to go on a date. I tried something like this once but turns out finding a good roofie guy is hard to come by……..

………

…where was-OH!

You know how some people yell at movies whenever something STUPID happens. I do it all the time anyway, but this is THE movie to do that to. The main reason is Angela is THE DUMBEST MOVIE CHARACTER I’VE EVER SEEN!!!!! One example, out of many coming up, is only her legs were chained to the table, her arms were free, AND Tom was close to him so many times, all she had to do was, I dunno, choke the dude or jab her finger in his eye or even grab one of the MANY sharp items on the table and stab the fuck out of him!

And she actually does that at one point and I was surprised but she even managed to fuck this up cause instead of running normally, she gets scared by a dog that’s about 200 feet away, CHAINED UP mind you, and trips for no god damn reason! UGH! So Tom does the whole creepy “I forgive you, let’s go for a ride” thing and he puts her in his sweet car. He takes her to a lower level where the dude who groped Angela is now tied up to a chair. Tom wants Angela to kill him for groping her, but Tom decides to do it himself. And it’s a pretty neat and gory scene.

Angela, who’s handcuffed, FINALLY manages to get out of the car and run for help. She gets to the elevator and doesn’t remember a key is needed to get to the main lobby of the office. She stops the elevator and stays in it until Tom decides to flood her out. Oh and Tom throws Myles from T2 (who’s in P2! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!) body into the elevator. Again I was shouting “HE’S FUCKING DEAD! LOOK FOR THE KEY TO THE ELEVATOR ON HIS BODY AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!! YOU FUCKING MORON!!”

But no. She doesn’t do that. She does manage to get her cell phone and sorta call the police, but she STUPIDLY drops her cell phone. UGH! Ok, I won’t keep you long. Angela runs around the damn parking garage, trying various ways to get help. The cops do manage to show up but Tom manages to taze Angela and lock her in a trunk the entire time the cops are there. When she does get out, Tom sics his dog on her, in which she manages to kill with a crowbar.

Angela finds a car rental place (REALLY?! YOU DIDN’T SEE THIS WHILE RUNNING AROUND THE OTHER GOD DAMN TIMES!!!) and tries calling for help again but-GET THIS!-911 PUTS HER ON HOLD! I….WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 911 CAN’T PUT ANYONE ON HOLD!!!!! I dunno, whatever. Anyway, I guess Chuck D was right and 911 is a joke, cause Tom shows up and FINALLY Angela attacks the dude, then locks him in the car rental place. Angela manages to steal a rent-a-car and is JUST about to bust through the gates when Tom comes out of nowhere in his car and stops her!

FUCK! He’s a fucking security guard, not Jason Voorhees!! WHERE THE FUCK DID HE COME FROM SO GOD DAMN FAST?!?! And HOW DID HE SNEAK UP ON HER! THERE’S ONLY ONE DAMN WAY THERE AND-

Ok.

They play chick with their cars and Angela manages to fuck up driving by stupidly crashing for no reason. When Tom goes to check on her, she stabs him in the eye with a nail file, cuffs him to the car, and sets fire to the rain, er, Tom and as a result the car blows up. Angela manages to get out right when the fire department came. OH! SO ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS START A FIRE! NOT LIKE CARS DON’T RUN ON FLAMMABLE-

Alright.

DESPITE all the yelling I did, it kinda was a suspenseful movie. I did wonder how she was gonna get out eventually and frankly, Angela was nice to look at. I suppose this is just a dumb horror movie to watch some night and not take it too seriously. I probably won’t hurry out and buy this but if it comes on cable or something, I’ll watch it. For two reasons. On Angela’s chest.

♥♥♥

-Jason

PS: Y’know, if OnStar was invented just 2 years earlier, I’m sure this movie would’ve been a lot shorter. Then again, Angela was so STUPID she’d probably mess THAT up somehow.