Week three of Reader’s Pick’s month brings me to a movie I’ve been wanting to see for awhile and when a few different people suggested it, I said “why the hell not?” and jumped in full speed. I don’t watch too many “weird thing attacking people while people are locked in somewhere” type of movies cause most of them I find kinda dull. But in the case of “Splinter”…

The movie starts with a gas station bumpkin bored at work. He works at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and is just sitting outside, chillin’, while wearing his “I ♥ Bikinis” hat. Sometime tells me Kai marketed those. Anyway, bumpkin hears something and soon is attacked by what looks like a roadkill dog.

Then we meet Seth and Polly, a couple who aren’t married but they’re celebrating an anniversary anyway. Polly wanted to spend the anniversary camping and fucking under the stars. All Seth heard was “fucking” and he was there. And I’ll say Seth is one lucky son of a bitch cause he’s a good looking nerdy guy who probably couldn’t get a girl like Polly in real life, so I hope this actor enjoyed this part. Anyway, since Seth is such a geek, he can’t set a tent up right (besides the one in his pants) and breaks a pole. Actually, this scene provided a bunch of dirty “That’s What She Said” comments.

“Stick it in the hole!”

“Grab the pole!”

“Don’t bend it that way!”

“Can’t you get it in the hole!”

Oh my mind…

So the tent is broke and they pack it up and go find a motel. Then they meet the poor man’s Mickey and Mallory. They’re two convicts, I guess, running from the law after doing…something. It’s never really said. Just know the cops are after them, OK!?!? Anyway, their car breaks down but here comes Seth and Polly! So the guy flashes a gun and makes the couple move over for two more. After driving for awhile, Polly runs over an animal and they stop to check it out and also to fix the flat tire.

While fixing the flat, robber dude gets poked by something sticking out of the tires. Hmm…the girl is crazy as fuck and thinks the roadkill is a pet she had when she was a kid. Anyway, they get back into the car but the car overheats. So they stop at the same gas station the bumpkin works at, or use to work at anyway, and then shit hits the proverbial fan.

The girl goes to the bathroom to take more drugs or something when the bumpkin comes out and attacks her, killing her. Dude shoots the bumpkin and everyone locks themselves in the gas station. Dude sees the girl is alive and runs out to help her but no, she’s not. It’s just this weird parasite thing that feeds off of blood and can make a body move. Part of the girls hand is cut off and follows them into the gas station. Seth figures everything out and then they try to get help.

First a cop shows up kinda randomly but the weird monster thing attacks her and using it’s “splinters” attaches the cop to the dead body of the girl. It’s kinda cool actually. Another plan is to set fire to the nearby forest to get everybody’s attention but Seth smartly says they’re at a fucking gas station and the fire will hit them and blow them up before anyone even shows up. So they try to get the radio the cop had to for help but that doesn’t go so well. And the cut on the dude’s hand is getting more intense.

So Seth figures out a couple of things. First, it’s only attracted to heat, so the hotter the source, the most likely it’ll go after it. So they hide in a freezer. Then when the dude’s arm starts breaking cause the parasite is taking over, Seth cuts the dude’s arm of…WITH A BOX CUTTER!! I work with box cutters at work and I never thought in a million years they’d cut my entire arm off. But he manages to do it. Then Seth comes up with the plan to drop his body temperature to 90 degrees so the weird monster outside can’t find him while he goes to the cop car so they can get away, while Polly and dude throw fireworks out the back.

This plan doesn’t work cause the cop took the keys with her, which I call bullshit cause honestly if you know a robber/killer guy is inside, you’re not gonna go through the trouble of turning the car off and taking your keys out. But whatever, the keys are gone and Seth is quickly warming up. But then the movie decides to shit all over it’s own logic. They said that the monster was attracted to their car cause it was hotter than their bodies were. Well, while throwing fireworks, it caught onto the gasoline they poured to start the forest fire, causing half the gas station to get on fire. BUT THE MONSTER NEVER BOTHERED WITH THE FIRE!!

A fucking fire is going to be hotter than body temperature! What the fuck, man! Anyway, robber dude fights the monster off while Seth and Polly start to get away. Robber dude manages to kill the monster and then blow up the rest of the gas station. Seth and Polly hobble away and that’s pretty much the entire movie.

Besides some flaws and giant plot holes, this movie was pretty good. It was suspenseful and kept me interested in what was going to happen next. I like they didn’t spend too much time telling us where this parasite came from exactly cause it leaves a little mystery to the whole thing. I just wish they paid more attention to what they wrote, that’s all! I mean I love this movie as much as I love Wolf Creek!

♥♥♥

-Jason