So our very own Wayne suggested I watch this here movie and I’m guessing the reason is cause he knows I normally watch shitty low budget movies. That and Lacey Chabert had something to do with it. Yes, Broke Jennifer Love Hewitt is in this movie and hey guess what? She produced this movie too. How awesome is that? When I heard the premise I said “It sounds like Frozen but in the desert.” And the poster above say it’s “Open Water in the desert”. Already we’re on a bad start if it’s like TWO completely different movies.

The start of the film has our main characters relaxing in a pool! Drinking water! SHOVE THAT IRONY DOWN OUR THROATS!! Lacey plays Noel, the bitchiest chick I’ve ever seen in a movie and she’s married to Brian, who’s so average in every way I can’t even describe him. There’s Tyson, a photographer who looks like the love child of Matthew Fox and Ryan Reynolds. And finally there’s Diphtheria or whatever her name was and she’s a model tee-hee!

So Tyson is planning on going to the desert with Diphtheria for a fashion shoot and for whatever dumbass reason Noel and Brian is going along. Noel is showing signs of being pregnant but this is suppose to be a twist for later but y’know they shouldn’t have showed their hand this fucking early.

They get in their giant ass truck, buy a shit ton of water, and head to this part of the desert known as Devil’s Dick or something. They find a nice spot where nobody is around for 200 million miles and start taking pictures. Noel, meanwhile, just stomps around being a royal bitch for no real reason. I’m gonna tell you right now I hated her SO MUCH during this entire movie. And she produced the fucking thing so I already knew she wasn’t gonna die, which is a shame cause she was FUCKING ANNOYING!

While driving back, they spot a wolf and Tyson swerves to avoid hitting it, which causes them to crash into a small ditch. Instead of trying to get the fucking truck out of the ditch, they start freaking out. Mainly Noel. She’s like “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!! NOOOO!!!!! AHHHH!!! BRIAN!!!! WAH WAH WAH!!!” And I’m like “just push the god damn truck out of the ditch, or push it so it’s flat again!” But no, they give up and camp for the night. Oh and Diphtheria hit her head, so Noel fucking bugs her every 2 minutes to make sure she doesn’t have a concussion.

It’s now the next day and turns out Diphtheria has a blood clot in her head. Noel cracks her skull open but this ends up killing her. Oops. Finally, they decide to walk but NOT in the direction they were going to, but the complete opposite direction! I don’t….whatever.

I’m just glad Diphtheria is dead so I can stop spelling her fucking goofy ass name.

The rest of the movie I can breeze by, if you seen Frozen or apparently Open Water. They roam around the desert, Noel acts like a bitch, and this movie’s science is fucking stupid. Noel tells Brian to put his piss in a water bottle, then later they drink it. I only know this cause I watch a lot of “Mythbusters” and I know you’re NOT suppose to drink straight up urine. You have to boil it to get the toxins out. See, your pee is just waste your body doesn’t use, so your dumb ass just putting it back in is going to fucking kill you. You need to boil it to get the bad shit out and what you’re left with is what you can drink, but honestly by that point it’d be so little it’s not even worth it so you might as well just drink your own blood.

….THEY FUCKING START DRINKING THEIR OWN BLOOD!!!! I am not even kidding!! Whoever consulted these dumbasses on this movie should be murdered cause they’re fucking morons. Here’s a public service announcement:

Hey kids! Plan on going to the desert? You might get stuck and lost! DO NOT DRINK YOUR URINE! And mos def don’t drink your own blood. You will die faster. And marijuana isn’t really that bad, so smoke up!

Ok, let’s wrap this up. Despite drinking urine and blood, they keep walking and try to get help. They come across some still water and drink it but Noel makes Brian throw it up. Tyson keeps chugging and hey guess what? He dies. Brian didn’t throw all of it up cause he dies the next day. So now it’s just Noel and she doesn’t have anyone to act bitchy too. Oh wait, the wolves. And she was going in a circle the entire time cause she ends up back at the truck and Diphtheria’s dead body, which is now eaten by wolves.

She remembered that Diphtheria had breast implants-

OH DON’T EVEN FUCKING TELL-

GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!

I’m done. I’m DONE! FUCK THIS MOVIE! Sorry, Wayne.

♥

-Jason

PS: Oh my god that was Reader’s Choice month. Umm…yeah. I probably won’t do that again. I guess you guys hate me? I dunno. Next week, I’ll be doing something I like to get some of this bad taste out of my mouth. Jesus…