Before I begin, I have to promise co-founder Dylan that I DID NOT use any pictures of ANY spiders in this review. The slider image up above does not feature any either. So hopefully he can actually look at his own website today. With that said…

Camel Spiders. Oh boy…

Starts off with a bunch of army guys fighting some…bad guys in a desert somewhere. It’s never said where or who. But we’re the good guys! FUCK YEAH!! ‘MEERRICA!!!! While the army guys are fighting, a bunch of camel spiders show up and start attacking the bad guys. It’s never said if these are mutated camel spiders or the real things cause throughout the movie, they vary in sizes. I guess regular camel spiders are scary enough. So anyway, the spiders attack the bad guys, one army guy is killed, and the Captain Army Guy is like “NOOO!!!!” I guess he was one day away from retirement. Or he just talked about his newborn son at home that he hasn’t met. Whatever.

Captain Army Guy and Hot Army Chick transport dead army guy back to the statues but UH OH! A camel spider climbed into the mouth of the bad guy. Wow, this is starting to be like the Roger Corman version of Arachnophobia! Another review Dylan won’t read! It all comes together…

Speaking of coming together (get your minds out of the gutter you pervs), while transporting the body through some podunk town, the truck crashes into a small town Sheriff without causing any damage whatsoever. But the body falls out of the truck, releasing the spider. The sheriff makes sure the army people are ok while the spiders go into town.

The town consists of a handful of people all with their own stories. Including:

-A family who’s going to Vegas to get a divorce because it’s the ironic thing to do.

-A slutty waitress.

-Two douchebag college kids who give pacifists a bad name.

-The owners of a diner.

-Two businessmen who want to buy the diner to build an Indian casino. I should note that neither man is Indian, nor are there any Indians involved with the process. I think these guys don’t know how Indian casinos work.

-Finally, a group of college kids on some weird field trip.

So we get random scenes of the spiders killing some people while others run around in circles, not knowing what to do. The surviving college kids find an abandoned house and hide in there, but they keep going into dark dank places, y’know, the places SPIDERS LIKE TO HIDE OUT IN! The others hide out in some old factory. One of the pacifists is killed and the other refuses to touch a gun. But then the slutty waitress ends up liking him so to prove he’s a man, he picks up a rifle and suddenly he’s John Fucking Rambo!

They come up with some stupid plan to kill all the spiders that involve blowing up the factory but you know that doesn’t take care of them. We get the twist ending, the end.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but this was a decent movie. Sure it was terrible in acting and writing and directing and the effects were awful, but this is a fun movie to watch in a group. I should know, I watched this with people I work with. And it was fun. The CGI is terrible. The spiders looked like they came from a PIXAR film. I was expecting-

I think I made this joke before. Nevermind.

♥♥

-Jason