Oh boy…I have no idea how I’m gonna do this. I’m only on the second film and I’m at a loss for words. The thing is this movie is more about the visuals than the story and it’ll be hard for me to describe them. Sadly, there isn’t that many images I can find to place in this review, so I’m gonna have to do the best I can. Here we go.

Picking up right after the first one ends (except they ignore the dragon thing flying around and stealing the puzzle box) a cop is talking to Kirsty, who has been taken to a psychiatric hospital cause she keeps going on and on about demons and her uncle stealing her dad’s skin and whatnot. I never understood why people in movies who went through something kinda weird keep trying to convince other people it happened. Surely they don’t expect people to believe them without evidence. I would’ve just said “Yeah that one lady Julia was CRA-AZY and loved to skin people” and hope to be released soon.

But no, Kirsty keeps going on and on about the Cenebites and when the cops discover the mattress Julia died on in the house, Kirsty tells the cop to burn it. I dunno lady, have you ever burned a mattress? It doesn’t smell good. Especially blood soaked ones. Uh…not that I know anything about that.

ANYWAY!

At the hospital Kirstie is we meet two people: Doctor Channard and a girl named Tiffany. The instant we meet Channard, we get that he’s EVVVIL! So we know where that’s gonna go. And Tiffany is an orphan who doesn’t talk and is good at solving puzzles. Oh great. If she ends up being Pinhead’s daughter, I’m throwing a shoe at my TV and just quit writing about horror movies.

Anyway, that’s the set up. You think Channard is just gonna be all evil on Kirsty and this will bring the Cenebites somehow BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!  Channard asks for Julia’s death mattress to be delivered to his house and Channard assistant Kyle wants to know why. So Kyle sneaks over and watches Channard kill a VERY ill patient of his on the mattress and this brings Julia back to life, but now SHE looks like Inside Out Boy. Or girl.

I don’t think people appreciated this reference last time so here it is again.

And what makes all this weird is Channard OR Julia isn’t like “Who the fuck are you?” instead they instantly start making out. Jesus, does coming back from the dead without skin make you all sorts of horny? Frank was all horned up when he came back to life in the first movie too. Anyway, since Kyle saw for himself all this, he goes back to the hospital, tells Kirsty that he now believes her, and they must go back to stop Channard and Julia.

But apparently it takes fucking weeks to go from the hospital to Channard’s house cause in the VERY NEXT SCENE Julia has killed roughly 8 people and now has skin. I was like “What the fuck?!” Kyle and Kirsty show up and Kyle is immediately killed because he’s a dumbass.  And instead of Kirsty running away, she walks into what I dubbed “the murder room” and just looks at all the dead bodies. HEY LADY, THIS IS THE SEQUEL! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON BY NOW!!

But no, Julia shows up, knocks Kirsty out (why not just kill her too?) and Channard brings Tiffany to the house so she can mess with the puzzle box.

Oh right. Channard somehow has THREE puzzle boxes. I don’t know why so many. Maybe it’s like area codes, each box takes you to a different part of hell. Maybe they’ll open the Jersey Shore of hell.

I was gonna photoshop this into something that belongs in hell but then I realized it already is.

“I LOVE GUIDOS! AND slicing skin off! GTL!!!!”

Anyway, Tiffany solves the puzzle and the hallways of hell open up and soon everyone starts roaming around hell. And this is where it gets weird visually. Apparently hell is just a series of hallways mixed with an Escher painting. Basically, everyone’s just running around hell. All the cenebites show up to bother Kirsty but they let her run around hell some more. She think she’s gonna find her Dad but instead she finds Frank and he gets all rapey again. But apparently if you burn a picture of someone they too get burnt? Sure, we’ll go with that.

Channard meanwhile gets turned into a cenebite because he was EVVIL! And his whole thing is…hard to describe. I did find a picture:

Yeah. Anyway, now it’s all about Kirsty and Tiffany getting out of hell, the puzzle box has turned into a crystal for some reason, and there’s more hallways. Parts of it reminded me of Poltergeist 2, oddly enough. Oh and Tiffany is NOT Pinhead’s daughter so any fans I have (three of you?) you don’t have to worry. Now how to I describe the ending? Hmm…

Kirsty cries in front of Pinhead and the other Cenebites, they all feel real bad, Channard appears, turns the cenebites back to their human form before killing them, leaving Pinhead for last. This gives Kirsty and Tiffany enough time to escape, which they do. But Channard also dies. Yeah, that’s the best I got. The ending is a bit of a clusterfuck. But whatever cause it’s over! PHEW!

I honestly have no idea what I thought of it. It was an interesting movie but really fucking weird. I know from this point on the series gets worse and I have my work cut out for me. But this one? It’s an interesting sequel I guess. I do like how we spend a lot of time in hell. And I love that when Tiffany finally talks, her first word is “SHIT!” That made me laugh. I say if you seen the first movie, give this one a go since they do go hand-in-hand. As for the rest…

♥♥

-Jason