Anyway, I’m here to do a 1994 flick titled “Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight”.
I’m sure you remember “Tales From The Crypt”. It was an HBO show that ran for several years in the late 80′s and early 90′s. It was sort of like “The Twilight Zone” which each episode being a mini horror movie and the cast had super famous people Lea Thompson, Amanda Plummer, Joe Pantoliano, and Robert Wuhl. Well, ok super famous for the 90′s.
It was hosted by The Cryptkeeper, a dead guy who just LOVES puns. In fact, in way, this movie is sort of a pun. I’ll explain that. Well, much like any TV show, this is the movie version. It’s pretty much just a longer version of a story that would appear on “Tales”.
The movie starts with the same intro as the TV show does, a long pan through an old abandoned house. We go through a secret passageway and end up in a secret crypt. Then we come to a coffin and out pops the Cryptkeeper! Then it jumps into a story suddenly.
A chick with big tits killed some dude and she called her boyfriend telling him he did it. She takes a bath to wash the blood off when it’s revealed this is all fake! It’s for the Tales From The Crypt movie! And the guy playing the dead zombie guy is Dan Fielding aka John Laurelquette!
The Cryptkeeper is directing and he stops to tell us the story that’s really our movie. So isn’t this more like Tales From The Set of “Tales From The Crypt: The Movie”? Whatever.
So the story is kinda simple really. There’s two dudes, one named Brayker and the other simply called The Collector. The Collector is played by Billy Zane, who was channeling 80′s Bill Paxton. Maybe it’s a Bill thing. (My friend Adam is probably laughing at that right now)
Anyway, Brayker has something that belongs to The Collector: a key. Billy Zane has six keys and he needs the last one. Brayker and Billy play chick with some cars and the cars both explode. Breyker survives and runs to the nearest town. He stumbles upon Dick Miller, the cool older guy from “Gremlins” and asks Dick where he can stay for the night.
Dick takes him to a hotel that use to be a church. How that worked out is a mystery but whatever. The hotel is run by CCH Pounder, who plays Irene. There are other people staying in this hotel and it’s your stock characters. You got:
-Dude banging the whore for free, named Roach, and he’s played by Thomas Haden Church.
-Wally, dude obsessed with the Whore, and he’s played by the voice of Roger Rabbit.
-And Jada Pinkett before she was Smith, as a work release prison inmate.
So Brayker checks in and tries to chill out, but Billy didn’t die either. He stumbles upon the two cops checking out the car crash when they get a call about someone breaking into a car. It was Brayker earlier so they check it out and end up at the church hotel.
Billy asks Brayker where the key is at and the cops locate it. Just as they are all about to head to the station, Billy goes crazy and kills one of the cops and reveals he’s really a fucking demon. Brayker breaks free and de-demonizes the place. The rest of the movie was pretty much remade in “Feast”.
By that I mean a group of people are locked in a place and things outside want them dead. But if they can make it till morning, everything will magically be alright. Well, Billy isn’t cool with this and he uses his demon powers to enter the minds of some people. He starts with the Whore, who turns into a demon and kills Wally, who was trying to fuck her. P-P-P-P-PLEASE EDDIE! Don’t let me get a STD!!!!
Billy creates some zombie demons (hence demon night or knight cause that’s what Billy calls himself later on) and the only way to kill these things are by taking out their eyes. It’s kind of a cool device really and provides a lot of neat scenes. While Billy waits patiently, Roach is annoying and wants to give Billy Brayker so he can just leave in peace. There’s a scene in a tunnel but they have to go back cause Billy shows up.
Eventually, everyone is either killed, or tempted by Billy until it’s down to Jada Pinkett. Brayker provides some backstory which is kinda hard to explain. I’ll just say it involves the seven keys, all being lined up right, and if done so, all the demons take over the earth and kills all the humans. And something about God and Jesus and the first line of Genesis.
No, not “I Can’t Dance”.
Pretty much if Billy wins, we’re all fucked. And Brayker has been alive since the 1900′s cause this power can be passed down to people. This part is kinda convoluted so let’s jump to Roach stealing the key and giving it to Billy. Billy decides to kill Roach after all (RAID?!?!) and goes to kick some Brayker ass.
Irene, who lost an arm earlier, decides to blow herself up and take some demons with her. Jada Pinkett gets tempted but refuses. Brayker is injured in a fight with Billy and passes his power to her so he can die. So now it’s Jada Pinkett vs Billy. It’s kind of a boring showdown cause all she does is spit Jesus’ blood (long story, part of the convoluted part) into Billy’s face and he blows up. So now Jada Pinkett has to roam the Earth while a replacement Collector shows up after Jada.
So that ends and we go to the premire of The Cryptkeeper’s movie. There’s several puns involving the word “cut” and the movie ends. Ta-da.
Overall, it’s a good movie. I was entertained and liked it. I didn’t get all excited or go “HOLY FUCKING SHIT” during any of it, but it’s still watchable. Billy Zane is a trip in the movie and I think he made it worthwhile. The convoluted part makes sense in the movie, it’s just hard to explain so don’t get worried by that.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a DEAD in the COVEN! HAHAHAHA!!!