Horror Thursday, Reviews — December 27, 2012 at 3:00 am

HORROR THURSDAY: SILENT NIGHT

by

I found out through some friends of mine that there was a remake of one of my favorite horror films Silent Night Deadly Night. I wasn’t even aware such a thing happened so I immediately seeked it out to see for myself what that would be like. And let me just say this: this is as much of a remake of Silent Night Deadly Night as the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead is a remake of the 1978 version. Both take place in a mall but that’s about where the simularities end.

Same for here. Both movies is about a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing naughty people and that’s about it. Gone is the whole parents getting killed by a rapist Santa, gone is the evil bitch of a nun, gone is the whole montage of our main character working in a toy store.

So what DO we get?

The film opens up with our Killer Klaus putting his suit on, along with a creepy Santa mask. Nearby he’s got a chick tied up and a dude tied up with Christmas lights in the basement. Klaus goes into the basement and electrocutes the dude.

Then we meet Aubrey, a deputy in this small town in Wisconsin. Aubrey is dealing with the death of her husband (not related to the plot) and wants the day off. But I guess the guy we saw get electrocuted was another deputy who was suppose to work for her so he’s not coming in. Sheriff Malcolm McDowell is a royal dick in this movie and makes Aubrey work.

Aubrey is getting ready for work by doing a crossword puzzle and she can’t figure out a 9 letter word for a six-sided object. Hmmm….surely this is going to important later on in the movie because she brings it up THREE OTHER TIMES! OOH!! Maybe whatever the answer is it’ll be used as a weapon to kill Killer Klaus! I can’t wait!!

Anyway, Aubrey goes into work and soon starts getting calls about a disturbing Santa! But it’s not our Killer Klaus! This disturbed Santa is played by Donal Logue! And he seems to hate Christmas! And he tells all the kids just as much! So Santa Donal meets with Aubrey, who isn’t very impressed with him and he doesn’t give a fuck!

Meanwhile we meet a shit ton of people who you know are going to get killed like a slutty chick named Tiffany, the pervist priest I’ve ever seen, and oh my fucking god the MOST over the top bratty kid I’ve ever seen in any movie ever. She knocks heart pills out of her mother’s hands and goes “YOU FUCKING BITCH TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING MALL RIGHT NOW!!” And this girl is suppose to be like 10 or something. Holy fuck this girl was awesome! Too bad Killer Klaus shows up and cattle prods the fuck out of her.

The best kill is probably the porn shoot. A guy is taking pics of a naked chick and Killer Klaus shows up, killing the photographer and his assistant. The naked chick manages to escape and is running around outside, topless. Ugh, naked in Wisconsin on Christmas Eve. Surprised her nipples didn’t manage to bust through a door or something.

Anyway, the naked chick is running around when she comes across a woodchipper. Now, I’m sure you’ve seen “Fargo” so you can imagine where this goes but this scene is really brutal and kinda fucking awesome at the same time, I won’t lie. You need to see this movie JUST for the woodchipper scene.

All the calls about all the murders are coming into the police station. Aubrey finds the first victims in a house and gets Sheriff Malcolm McDowell involved and like I said earlier, he acts like a royal dickhead the entire time. They eventually figure out that a guy dressed like Santa is doing all the killings. What cliches this theory is when they find the videotape from the porn shoot and see him.

Problem? The town is overrun by Santa’s because of a Santa Contest happening later that night! UH OH!

So back to that 9 letter word for six sided object? You know what it ends up being? SNOWFLAKE! So…yeah that was anti-climatic.

Sheriff McDowell thinks it’s Santa Donal and arrests him. And this was a great scene cause Donal just went off and gave a two minute monologue about why Christmas sucks. It was great. So eventually, Aubrey figures out that they got the wrong guy and that the real Killer Klaus is after her dad!!!

Wait, what?

It’s explained later but pretty much our current Killer Klaus had a father who went nuts on Christmas Eve and Aubrey’s dad killed him, so now our current Killer Klaus wants revenge. But before that, we get a couple of tributes to the original film when some punk rocker visits his catatonic grandfather in a hospital and the grandfather tells him to watch out for Santa Claus! Then the slutty chick Tiffany is about to give a blow job to the punk rocker when our Killer shows up and kills her in the same fashion as Linnea Quigley in the original. Aw but Linnea Quigley was nice enough to show her tits!

The Killer Klaus also kills the pervy priest, right in front of an old lady. And for some reason he kills the Mayor, even though he didn’t do anything wrong. So now that half the town is dead, it’s time for the showdown of the century! Aubrey vs Killer Klaus!!

Killer Klaus kills Sheriff McDowell and Santa Donal and squares off agains Aubrey, who is pissed that Killer Klaus killed her father. They fight for a bit until she grabs his flame thrower and lights the fucker on fire!! OOH!!! But this doesn’t kill him, just maims him. And that’s it. The end!

Like I said, this isn’t really a remake of the original. It’s just a movie about a killer Santa with two scenes similar to the original and a tribute to the second film (What is this, garbage day?) and I think the movie could’ve been a bit more campy and humorous considering the source material. But if you ignore all of that and take it at face value, it’s a very entertaining film and probably one of the best horror movies out there lately. If only ALL remakes were like this.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

♥♥♥♥

-Jason

1 Comment

  • This is by the guy who did The Aggression Scale, a movie I liked immensely, so I’ll end up seeing it just for that alone– but four hearts from Jason is a good endorsement, too.

    I want someone to give Steven C. Miller a ton of money to make whatever movie he wants. He’s good.

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