Horror Thursday, Reviews — January 3, 2013 at 3:00 am

HORROR THURSDAY: NEW YEARS EVIL

by

 

(NOTE: Due to the holidays and other things, I’m gonna just rerun the New Years review I did last year. Enjoy!)

*Blows into noise maker*

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hello, MILFers! It’s time for one of those reviews you all expected me to do! Wait, what’s that? You never heard of New Years Evil?! WHAT?! How DARE YOU, sir!!!

Well, to get into the spirit of this movie and this review, I drank a whole lot while watching and drank MORE while writing it. I won’t apologize for any imstakes in this review. Ok? OK!

New Years Evil is bought to us by Cannon Group AND Golan/Globus! If you don’t know who or what any of those are, and you follow horror movies throughout the ages, you should stop reading and douse yourself in fire cause YOU SUCK!!!

Where the fuck was I? Oh right.

Anyway, the opening. We get a chick who looks like a drag queen getting all dressed up. She’s on the phone with a black chick who has the weirdest braids. They look wrong on a black chick, I can’t even imagine on a white chick.

The black chick hangs up, hears some mild noises you normally hear in hotel rooms, when a guy comes from the shower and kills her. Then we get the opening credits and the MOST FUCKING AWESOMEST SONG EVER!! YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS SHIT NOW!!

Just crank this fucker up to 11 and rock out!!

While that’s happening, a bunch of punks, I guess, are in a car driving through downtown L.A. I’ve been in L.A twice and I’ve yet to experience anything like this. I did see the thing where a car full of girls had the top down on their car and they were rocking out to some song at full blast and singing along to it. If only I was single, I could’ve jumped in the car with them and possibly did all of them.

Anyway.

The punks arrive at some hotel that’s also the site of some TV show called “Hollywood Hotline”, hosted by BLAZE, AKA the cross-dressing looking chick from earlier. I should mention her son named, I forget now, Roger maybe? Let’s go with Roger. Roger has Mommy issues and doesn’t feel loved. Awww! More on Roger later.

So BLAZE is hosting this show, that’s basically “American Bandstand” for the New Wave scene. Actually, anytime we go to the show, the way everyone acts, from the band to the people in the audience, acts like how old people thing teenagers act. It’s pretty fucking terrible. And she’s hosting a New Year Eve special where she plans on celebrating New Years in every time zone, starting on the East Coast going all the way to the West Coast.

During the start of the show, Blaze gets a phone call, live on the air, from some guy who calls himself “Evil”. The scenes of him on the phone are fucking hysterical. Have you ever seen Student Bodies? WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVEN’T SEEN STUDENT BODIES?!?! UGH! You people. Well…his phone scenes were most like what Student Bodies was parodying.

And here’s another odd thing, we see “Evil’s” face so there’s no mystery element to this whole thing. Oddly enough, my future wife was watching this movie with me (she hardly watches the movies I watch for MILF and my own site, so this is a rare occurance) called the plot twist at the end. I’ll save that for the end though, even though I’m sure you all figured it out by now.

Anyway, Evil tells Blaze that he’s gonna kill someone every hour until the West Coast New Years countdown, meaning for every New Years that passes throughout the country, he’ll kill someone. Blaze doesn’t take him seriously and hangs up.

So Evil goes to work. He goes to a mental institution, where OF COURSE all the patients are the super batshit crazy guys who hop around screaming for no reason. It’s never the people who are either calmly insane or just “need a rest”. Anyway, Evil disguises himself as a doctor, flirts with a nurse, and takes her into a room to grope her.

Soon, it’s Midnight in the East Coast and Evil strikes, killing the nurse. He even tapes this on his deluxe AUDIO CASSESSTE RECORDER! WOW! You know this is going to be remade someday and I have no fucking clue what they’ll use to record his murders. Is there an app for that?

Evil calls Blaze after the murder and tells her what she did. Some cops get wind of this and show up at the hotel and tell her that there was a dead body at the institution. So this guy means business. The next kill is just fucking awesome. And it starts with an awesome fake mustache Evil wears.

He goes into a bar, finds two chicks sitting alone, and picks up on one of them. He talks her into going with him to do, I dunno cocaine or something. It was 1980. The chick, who I’ll dub Annoying One, drags her friend Linda along. Linda is quiet and only has one line, well two if you count “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Ok so check this shit out. Annoying One is talking non-stop in the car and me and Future Wife go “JUST KILL HER IN THE CAR FOR CHRISTS SAKE!” but they stop at a liquor store. Evil gives Linda $100 bucks and tells her to buy the best champagne. While she’s buying the champaigne, Evil kills Annoying One. Inside, Linda gets her change and I swear to god she only paied $5 for the champaigne. Man, that five buck chuck sure is tasty.

Linda comes back out, finds Evil and her friend missing. She checks a dumpster where Evil is waiting and he kills her. Later, when the cops show up at the scene, and don’t ask me how he set this up but right when they show up, Linda’s body slides down a slide. It’s awesome.

So Roger. He’s in Blaze’s dressing room all depressed. He puts a fishnet stocking on his head, starts acting goofy, and eats roses or something. Something’s not quite right with him…

Evil calls in again to tell Blaze what he’d done. She tries to keep him on the line so the cops could trace the call but of course he hangs up. Then he gets his next disguise ready: a priest. We get a picture of a nun and I guess he was gonna go kill her but then he does the worst thing you could do in L.A in the ’80s: fuck with a motorcycle gang!

The gang suddenly chases Evil throughout L.A and he goes to hide in a drive-in movie theater. The gang follows him in and while looking for him, Evil gives them the slip and hijacks a car that belongs to a stoned couple.

You know what this movie needed? Linnea Quigley. Just sayin’.

Anyway, Evil kicks the dude out and takes the chick for a ride. He threatens to kill her, but at a stop light she shows she’s actually smart and manages to get out. You know Evil was telling himself “Fuck! Locks! I knew I was suppose to do something!”

Evil starts chasing her but some cops spot him and scares him away. So the Mountain Time New Years goes without a kill. Yay?

The cops realize Evil is probably on his way to the hotel to kill Blaze, so they lockdown the building. Evil shows up and manages to sneak in by stealing a cops uniform. Then we get our twist. Ready for it? Evil…IS BLAZE’S HUSBAND RICHARD!!! GASP!!!!! And he’s wearing this really fucking creepy mask.

So why is he doing this? To sorta fast forward a bit, Richard is sick of Blaze’s crap. She treats him and Roger like shit and he’s sick of it. And he use to be a patient at the mental institution. Wait, was the nurse he killed new then? Wouldn’t she have recognized him? He wasn’t wearing that good of a disguise. Whatever, let’s end this shit, I’m about to pass out.

So Richard came up with an interesting way to kill Blaze. Chain her to the bottom of an elevator and send it crashing all the way to the bottom. It’s clever, ya gotta admit. But the cops show up, stop the elevator, and chase Richard up to the roof.

There, Richard puts on the creepy mask, quotes Hamlet, and jumps off, going ker-splat. Roger sees this, freaks out, and takes the mask. As Blaze is put into the hospital, we see Roger, wearing the mask, driving away. And hey, it just turned Midnight in Hawaii.

This movie is fucking awesome. I have no idea why. The execution is horrible. The acting is terrible. But god damn it, I had fun watching it. And I’ll admit I got into the story a little bit towards the end when Richard laid out why he wanted to kill Blaze. But that song man. That fucking song.

Anyway, see you guys next year!

♥♥♥♥

-Jason

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