Horror Thursday, Reviews — February 14, 2013 at 3:00 am

HORROR THURSDAY: ALICE IN MURDERLAND

by

LOOK AT THAT TITLE! Everybody stop and look at that fucking title right now. No, I didn’t typo it, that’s the actual god damn title of this damn movie that I’m about to talk to you about. And I doubt anyone is reading this because whenever I do obscure horror movies, nobody comments or reads them but if I talk about Wrong Turn 18, I get three billion comments. But I didn’t feel like doing something mainstream today, I wanted to do a slasher and the title caught my eye. I hope the title caught your eye too. It’s called ALICE IN MURDERLAND! DEAL WITH IT!

Because ALL the movies are doing it nowadays, this movie claims to be based on a true story. Hell, I’m sure by now the newest Die Hard film claims to be “based on a true story”. So twenty years ago-this film takes place in 2010 so that makes it….1990?!?!?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I’M OLD!-a lady is looking at an apartment with some sketchy lady. The sketchy lady is like “yeah, this is a nice apartment but the basement has a lot of sewing machines.” I have no idea why that was mentioned but OK then. The lady heads to the basement to look for the sewing machines I guess when someone shows up in a mask and kills her.

My first thoughts when this film started was “Aw fuck it’s ANOTHER type of THOSE movies!” The type of movies that was clearly filmed in someone’s apartment, using people they know, and either using their $200 cam-corder they bought at Best Buy or renting it for a weekend, which is probably more than enough time to film this fucking movie.

But yes, this is THAT type of movie. I could’ve stopped it right there but sometimes-SOMETIMES-there’s gold to be found in these movies so I continued on.

Now it’s the present and we meet Alice. The lady that was killed in the sewing basement was her Mom and she’s a bit haunted by the whole thing. She’s in a sorority and it’s her birthday coming up. Alice’s friend Malory decides to throw a birthday party because it’s her 21st birthday. The other sisters in the sorority, which include names like Kat, Donna, Dee, Samantha, Pima (more about her in a minute), and of course the bitchy one of them all Tiffany, like the idea. Well, except Tiffany. She wants to be a bitch. The script calls for her to be a bitch and that’s all she does in the whole movie.

Malory’s other idea is to make it a theme party. Can you guess the theme?!?!?! Yep. The Human Centipede. Alice gets to be segment A at least.

Ok no, it’s fucking Alice in Wonderland. You know what? For my 33rd birthday, I want everyone to throw me a Friday the 13th theme party. Yeah, you guys go camping in the woods and I’ll just stalk around and if any of you start fucking, I’ll kill you. Sound good? Let’s make it happen!

Malory decides to ask her uncle, Mr. White, if they can use this building he recently bought and plans on renovating it. Can you guess which building this ends up being?! Yep.The Human Centipede Museum! Now you can interactively eat shit! BRING THE KIDS!!!

Yes, the same building Alice’s mother was murdered in twenty years ago. GREEEAT IDEA!!! Hey, son or daughter who lost their parents on 9/11, let’s throw your party at Ground Zero! FUN! Mr. White agrees to this if he gets to be the Mad Hatter. The weird thing about Mr. White is NOBODY treats this dude with any respect. They act like he’s gay when it’s not even been hinted at that he might be. (Well, there was that scene where the girls were about to undress and he simply stayed put until they told him to leave but I get the feeling this might be some misdirection by the director to make us think he’s some kind of perverted creep.) And students just bully him because he’s a professor at this college. It’s really strange. And he kinda looks like David Cross.

Ugh, I’m not even at the midway point of this fucking movie. Ok so there’s a stupid sub plot about how Tiffany stole Alice’s boyfriend away and she’s kind of a slut but the boyfriend still has feelings for Alice and realizes it was a mistake. As a result, Malory decides not to invite guys, except Mr. White cause he’s not a man HAHAHA! Meanwhile, some kid named Andrew breaks into the building to set up “prank traps” all over but Mr. White catches him. Andrew hides in the sewing basement where the masked killer shows up and kills him.

The day of the party and we learn all of our other characters quirks. Kat seems to disappear without a sound. Donna and Dee are REALLY fucking stupid, and Pima LOVES DRUGS!! DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS!! And to tie in with the whole Alice in Wonderland theme, the drug of choice is mushrooms. The party starts and….not a lot happens. They just sit and literally look at each other for a few minutes before Tiffany decides that this is stupid and goes into another room. Pima and Samantha follows her. The rest play charades.

The movie TRIES to be clever by having two characters leave a room, then another character gets murdered by the masked killer, and then both people show up later, looking like they just put some clothing back on. They do this with EVERYBODY from Malory to Mr. White to even Pima, who I already knew wasn’t the killer cause the killer wasn’t just standing there laughing about mushrooms. When I said Donna and Dee were stupid, I have no way to convey just HOW stupid they are. Donna takes a lot of mushrooms and goes crazy, trying to strangle people. Pima takes Donna to a bathroom and put her in a cold shower when the killer shows up and only kills Donna. Then for some reason the killer glues Dee to the toilet seat.

Once everyone realizes there’s a killer, they need to find a phone. Oh right, Malory said no cell phones. This is never explained, outside of the writer said “it’s the 21st century. Everybody has a phone nowadays. So…let’s just have a character take them away!!” Mr. White HAD one but he lost it, so they go looking for it when Dee and Pima is finally killed.

OK SPOILER ALERT TIME I’m sure you don’t care.

The killer is actually Kat. She’s trying to kill Alice because her Mom is the one who killed Alice’s Mom in 1990 and now she wants…revenge? Wait…what? I dunno. I’m almost done with this movie, let’s just roll with it. So Kat chases Alice around, kills Tiffany (THANK YOU!) and then SPOILER ALERT NUMBER 2 Samantha is Kat’s REAL sister…and she’s ALSO a killer! Alice manages to kill Samantha and Kat but Kat’s last words to Alice was “once you kill someone, you go crazy!”

So it goes to sometime later and Alice and Malory is talking to some other lady (who she is isn’t really important) and Alice goes “She’s right! I AM CRAZY!” and gives the worst fake crazy laugh I’ve heard in a long time. And the movie simply ends.

Oh my fucking god what the hell was that? This easily was the lamest slasher movie I’ve ever seen. Once you TRY to get past the title, you’re left with a shitty movie with horrible acting, horrible writing, and just horrible….everything! I shouldn’t have expect too much from a movie called Alice in Murderland but at least LOOK like you tried, you know?

Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna go write Cinderkilla! Or Killing Beauty! OR Murderknobs and Killsticks!

NO LOVE!

-Jason

6 Comments

  • The best sounding thing here? Murderknobs and Killsticks. That sounds AWESOME.

  • I want you to know that I read this purely on the strength of the title. Hilarious review.

  • Unlike your other commenters, I have actually *seen* “Alice in Murderland.” One of them might read your review and suspect that you are making things up as you go along. I could tell them that you are absolutely telling the truth.

    The title, concept and opening credits are the best parts. Otherwise, it’s a total, TOTAL waste of time.

    Ed Wood’s movies were at least sincere. This one seems more cynical than anything else.

  • This movie’s title was actually pretty decent; And definitely blows 90% of your typical B-movie titles out of the water. As for the movie itself, it’s fan-base is growing continuously on the movies’ Facebook page and it is slowly becoming a cult classic.

    The jabberwocky’s costume was lame. But it was just that, a costume. He wasn’t an actual monster. So that was fine. The girls were alright for the most part and some parts were actually pretty funny. I admit, some were also pretty stupid, but there is gonna be some give & take in some B-movies. The Mallory chick was absolutely a dime piece and smokin’ and her last scene is one that is great in high def on the big screen…HOLLA!!! As for the ex bf, and he kid setting traps, they were wastes of spaces. Some of the acting was somewhat bush-league. But all-in-all. Def not as bad as ya’ll are saying. Go to the movies Facebook page and see all the comments from hundreds of people who have seen the movie!

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