So I’ve been busy lately between my job, maintaining a relationship, and running a fairly successful website that you all should totally be going to on a daily basis. But anyway. I was worried about how busy I was gonna be and how I wasn’t gonna have any time to do some horror reviews for this place. Then I noticed that Simon, the other guy that posts on Thursdays, also has a similar problem and just decided to let other people write his column for him. I wasn’t even aware we could do that cause nobody told me that we could. But if Simon is gonna do it, then fuck it, so will I. Unfortunately all the horror people I know were also busy so I had to turn to the only person I know. The person that lives here with me. The person that a lot of people got to meet in Las Vegas. I’m of course talking about…
Cokie. And of course he also picked the movie to review. So without further ado, here’s Cokie’s review of Man’s Best Friend.
‘sup bitches! Cokie here. I’ve been living with Jason for about five years now and watched him write his stupid ass reviews so I should be able to do this right. Frankly, I find this whole “reviewing movies for the internet” to be fucking stupid and lame but if it stops Jason from excessively masturbating, then I’m all for that. I rather not relive all the times I’ve walked in on him without knocking.
Man’s Best Friend is an early 1990′s film starring someone that Jason tells me was in a movie called The Breakfast Club and also starred a guy that Jason seem to have a hard-on for named Lance. The someone from The Breakfast Club is named Ally Sheedy and she plays Lori, a news reporter who is waiting for her big break. She gets a phone call from a source inside a lab called EMAX saying that inside said lab animals are being abused.
I almost cried at this part when they showed all the animals in cages. I think humans should live in cages for a day and see what it’s like. In fact, there should be buildings in different parts of the country, no wait the world, that have humans in cages against their will and they’re forced to do things they don’t like to do.
Jason just informed me these things do exist called “prisons”. I’ve never been.
Whatever. Lori and her sassy black friend who isn’t given a name cause screw her, man, go to meet the source but a random camera guy decides to kill her instead. With no source, Lori and the black friend who also is her camerawoman sneak into EMAX and film all the animals in cages. This really breaks their hearts and it breaks my heart. Then they come across Max, a big giant dog. Lori falls in love with Max immediately and the feeling is mutual with Max.
The owner of this lab, that Lance dude, shows up and finds Lori and the black camerawoman in the lab, so they hastily escape. Max manages to give Lance the slip and get in Lori’s car. We immediately figure out that Max isn’t your normal dog. He’s able to open doors and run super fast. So in a way, he’s like me: totally fucking awesome! And genetically engineered. But I assure you in my case the awesomeness wasn’t engineered.
Lori takes Max home and decides to keep him. But she’s got a boyfriend named Perry who’s kind of a douche and I kept hoping Max would rip his fucking face off but spoiler alert that never happens. To show how much of a douche he is, he makes Lori keep Max outside! In the fucking cold! What an asshole!
Thankfully, while Perry is trying to get freaky with the Breakfast Club chick, Max barks his head off, distracting her. She checks on him and you can almost get the feeling Max’s got a boner for Lori. Almost like I got a boner for Kim Kardashian. What? If Jason can like Megan Fox I can like Kim Kardashian, ok?!?!
Where was I? Oh right. So this Lance guy is talking to two cops about the break in and Max going missing and why it’s really a big deal this is happening. Max, like I explained earlier, was genetically engineered and features the DNA of a dozen or so animals, that includes snakes, tigers, cheetahs, and chameleons. But the problem is all this genetic stuff is making Max’s brain freak out so he’s slowly gonna go crazy and just kill everybody he comes in contact with, whether Max likes them or not.
So basically, there’s a serial killing dog on the loose. This is my favorite movie ever.
The best scene had to be when Lori let Max in the house but told Max to be quiet. So she goes back to bed where she and douche-nozzle get it on. But Max sneaks upstairs and starts peeping in on them through the keyhole in the bedroom! Oh my god it was awesome!
The next day, some random kid just shows up in Lori’s house and pesters her for food. Turns out it’s the neighbor’s kid and she lets him just come in unannounced and eat all her food. And she agrees to let the kid take Max for a bit so she can go to work. So the kid is walking through the neighborhood with Max and they come across a neighbor’s cat, which nobody in the neighborhood likes. The kid decides it’d be hilarious if he lets the dog loose and get that stupid ass cat. Cats are dumb. So I throughly enjoyed what happened next.
Basically, Max chased the cat up a tree, actually climbed the tree, and ate the fucking cat. It was awesome.
Max, because he’s a super smart dog, finds his way back home where he not only chews through Perry’s break line, but manages to kill the mailman in a scene that would make Chuck Norris jealous, and the next best scene ever is when he goes to the neighbors house, sneaks in, and fucks their female dog, causing her to howl so loud you can hear it from miles away.
I love this fucking movie.
Perry figured out that Max was trying to kill him so he tries to poison his food. Hm, Jason sometimes bring me food home. Now I’m gonna have trust issues. Max figures this out and goes into attack mode and chases Perry out. And for good measure, Max eats the annoying bird Lori had as well.
That Lance guy figured out that it was Lori who took Max so he visits her at the news station. She sees him and sneaks out, gets home quickly, and decides to hide Max somewhere. She takes Max to a junkyard where she meets with the owner who promises to take good care of Max. This scene upset me because after Lori left, the owner hit Max with a shovel and then put a blowtorch in his eye. This makes Max freak out and he kills the owner. Rightfully so.
In case you just joined us, I’m rooting for the dog in this movie. Dog power, bitches.
So Max, all bloodied and almost blind, finds his way back to Lori’s house, where Perry shows up with a small runt of a dog named Spike that isn’t half the dog Max is. Lori accepts this horrible imitation and tries to move on with her life. But Max wants revenge so he climbs up the side of the house, jumps through a bathroom window, and attacks Perry.
The cops show up and try to shoot Max but he outruns them. Good job, Max! Show them nasty humans! Of course the cops stay behind to wait for Max to show up but Max gets the upper paw and kills most of them. Before he can attack Lori for trading him in for a runt, Lance shows up and uses her as bait to get Max to follow them back to the lab, which works until Lance crashes the car through the front doors of the lab.
Of course everybody and Max survives and they have a chase in the lab where the coolest Rube Goldberg Machine happens.
Lance has a shotgun to shoot Max.
Max is jumping in the air to attack Lance.
The power of the shotgun forces Lance to fly backwards through some glass.
The bullet hits Max. No Max no!!!!
Lance falls onto a steel cage.
The runt dog through weird science I don’t understand causes the cage to get electrified, killing Lance.
Max dies from the gunshot wound.
Goes to some months later and Lori kept the runt. The annoying neighbor kid calls Lori over and shows her that his dog gave birth to puppies. If you said “is that the same dog Max fucked earlier” you would be correct. And of course they have Daddy’s genes. Woo! Max’s spirit lives on!
This is a movie about a dog killing machine. There’s so much awesomeness in this movie it’s hard to contain myself. Even Jason was getting into the movie and his taste in movies leave much to be desired. I really, really, really, really, really fucking loved this movie and if you want to continue to live, you would to.
Now that I’m done writing this god damn review, I’m gonna go back to licking myself.
-Cokie The Dog