Horror Thursday, Reviews — June 20, 2013 at 5:57 pm

HORROR THURSDAY: THE LAST EXORCISM: PART 2

by

I’ve seen my fair share of bad movies and bad titles. I mean The LAST Exorcism: Part 2? How can the last of anything have a part 2? That’s just fucking retarded. And of all the pointless sequels I’ve ever seen, this is the most pointless movie I’ve ever seen. The MOST. FUCKING. POINTLESS. The original did NOT need to be expanded on in the least bit. And if this was the best they could come up with, they didn’t need to at all.

After a quick recap of the first movie, we find a random couple in bed. The Mrs. gets up to use the washroom when the Mr. feels something get into bed. He think it’s his wife but turns out it’s actually Nell, the possessed girl from the first movie. She’s taken to a wayward home for formerly possessed girls and is trying to live a normal life. She has some roommates, she’s got a job as a maid in a hotel, and she’s caught the eye of a boy named Chris. But when Pazuzu or whatever this demon’s name is decides to come calling back, Nell’s life turns upside down!

First off, LITERALLY nothing happens for almost the entire movie. The entire movie is just Nell drifting from scene to scene, with the blankest expression on her face as she tries to “fit in”. They don’t even build on the roommates at all, outside of a few scenes where they go “OOH Nell has a boyfriend!” There are these scenes of weird creepy people following her around, saying “He’s coming”, and spooky music plays.

There’s one sort of ok scene when Nell thinks Chris is outside and wants her to go outside with her. She runs out there, doesn’t find Chris, and instead is confronted by demonic voices. She runs inside, finds the ghost of her Dad, who is trying to kill her, until one of the roommates shows up, possessed, and kills the Dad. But this scene unfortunately ends and we’re back to boring-ville. Then we get scenes of Pazuzu fondling Nell while she sleeps, even having her floating in the air. Great, she’s gonna be air AND motion sickness.

Did I mention that she fucks a wall? Yeah, she fucks a god damn wall. She doesn’t want to fuck a human being, a human being that actually finds her attractive, but she’ll fuck a fucking wall!

Somehow, video footage of Nell’s exorcism hits Youtube and she becomes a viral video star. Some lady who I’ll just call Miss Cleo says she’s part of some Secret Order of Water Buffalo or something and their job is to stop Pazuzu from coming to Earth and knocking Nell up with a demon baby. I…what? Ok. So Miss Cleo tries to get Nell to bring Pazuzu to her apartment but that doesn’t work out so well. So Miss Cleo calls her trio of creepy dudes to come over and try to kill Pazuzu by putting him in a god damn motherfucking chicken. I am not shitting you. They’re trying to put a fucking demon into a chicken.

Nell discovers via her ghost dad (Not Bill Cosby unfortunately) that the Miss Cleo Trio have decided to kill Nell since the demon is too powerful. NO YOU SHITHEADS, he doesn’t want to be put into a god damn chicken! The fuck is wrong with you?!? This pisses Nell off and she decides to become Pazuzu’s bride, gets possessed, and kills the Miss Cleo Trio. Oh but we don’t get to see any of the violence or gore. God forbid that happens in a god damn horror movie!

Nell goes back to her wayward home, kills everybody inside OFF SCREEN, and then starts driving around the planet, causing fire and devastation. I think there were Earthquakes, birds and snakes, an airplane, and Lenny Bruce was there, not being afraid. Actually, I would much rather watch Dan Rather stand in front of a camera and recite the lyrics to “It’s The End of the World As We Know It” for an hour and a half instead of watching this stupid fucking pointless movie.

I know you people don’t read my shit and don’t listen to me and that’s fine. If there’s ever ONE TIME I NEED you to listen to me, it’s now. DO NOT WATCH THIS STUPID GOD DAMN AWFUL MOVIE! It’s pointless, horrible, and a waste of everybody’s time. You’ll have more fun trying to shove foreign objects into your pee hole than watching this movie. You would rather pay to watch Glenn Beck lick Rush Limbaugh’s back than watch this movie. You’d be better off fucking Tila Tequila, Courtney Stodden, and Courtney Love AT THE SAME time instead of watching this damn movie.

In other words: I didn’t care for it.

NO LOVE

-Jason

3 Comments

  • I think it’s funny people complain about the Part 2 thing. I’m like “Welcome to 20 years ago when the Final Fantasy series took off.”

    (And yes, this sounds a bit bad.)

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