So Movie 43 was advertised as this really huge movie full of stars, it took 4 years to make, has 11 directors, is super raunchy blah blah blah. All of those things may be factually true, but the whole essence of a comedy, you know the humor part? Yeah none of that. Factually.
The general concept here is that a crazed Dennis Quaid is pitching a movie to Greg Kinnear (but they’re playing characters so maybe they had actual names in the film). Quaid reads him parts of the script and then the scenes are portrayed in live action, and those are all the different scenes made for Movie 43. The stories are outrageous, inappropriate, and moderately laughable at best. I was sort of confused whether Quaid was pitching one movie or several ideas. Kinnear hates all of the ideas so Quaid holds him at gun point, forcing him to fund and sign the movie. Throughout the film, it flashes between the stories and this movie pitch scene. Finally, (and hopefully I’m not ruining anything here because you should never see this film) it ends with the movie pitch scene actually being a movie itself, showing the whole production crew and filming equipment around Quaid, Kinnear and Common (the head honcho of the movie company).
The Movie Pitch(es):
This is the part where I usually tell you the good stuff in the film but since I laughed like twice, I’m just going to briefly tell you what each of the mini stories was about instead. This is the movie (or possibly movies) that Quaid is attempting to pitch.
1. Hugh Jackman is a charming bachelor on a blind date with Kate Winslet. He sports a pair of prosthetic balls dangling from his neck. Kate can’t stop staring at them and the awkwardness is sort of funny. He dribbles soup on them, drops them in melted butter. Ha balls are funny.
2. Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber homeschool their teenage son and torment him, hoping to still give him a real high school experience. Their neighbors come over and they tell them about all the dumb stuff they do like tying him to their flagpole in his undies, knocking down his books, and other not funny incidents. At one point, Watts wants her son to experience his first kiss, and decides to act as a teenage girl so she can do the job. Oh incest, you are so clever.
3. Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are a couple who’ve been dating a long time when Faris asks Pratt to be the first man to poop on her. J.B. Smoove is in this part, and may have some of the only funny lines of the film. Pratt agrees to poop on her. Smoove convinces him it can’t just be a regular poop, so Pratt decides to eat several burritos and take laxatives. Then Faris stalls right after and Pratt farts a lot/makes stomach sounds. She freaks out and runs into the street with Pratt behind her. Pratt gets hit by a car and his poop explodes everywhere. See a trend for the “humor” in this film?
4. Kieran Culkin works at a grocery store when his ex-girl Emma Stone comes to talk to him. The two have an awkward (but slightly more funny than the rest of the film) back and forth of inappropriate and sexual witicisms over the store’s intercom. It’s full of extreme close-ups for maximum uncomfortableness.
5. At a speed dating event for cheaply costumed superheroes, Jason Sudeikis is Batman, Justin Long is Robin, Uma Thurman is Lois Lane and Kristen Bell is Supergirl. Batman and Robin are actually there to prevent a bomb from going off. Sudeikis is silly but no “LOL” moments. At one point, he gets Long to kiss Supergirl, who is then revealed to have a mask on and is actually a guy. Oh gay humor, how offensive yet amateur you are.
6. There’s a few commercials that play in between the clips. One is for a product called iBabe. After showing the commercial, the scene changes to a boardroom meeting concerning the product. Richard Gere is the CEO and Kate Bosworth thinks the product is a bad idea. It’s an MP3 player that’s shaped like (and actually is) a naked woman. Apparently teenage boys keep having sex with it and getting their dicks mangled because there’s a fan located in the iBabe’s naughty region. They make a special edition iBabe, it’s a black girl. I hope I don’t need to explain the lack of humor here.
7. Chloe Grace Moretz is making out with her boyfriend on the couch when she gets her period and stains the couch. The boys older brother, Christopher Mintz-Plasse tries to find stuff in the house to plug her up. The dad, Patrick Warburton, says periods are gross.
8. Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville are roommates. Knoxville buys Scott a leprechaun (played by Gerard Butler) and locks him in the basement. They fight the leprechaun, demanding gold. Gold coins arrive in a cauldron at the front door. They drag it down to the basement and another leprechaun was hiding inside. Scott and Knoxville kill both leprechauns. It’s dumb.
9. Halle Berry goes on a date with Stephen Merchant and they play truth or dare. It gets intense. She ends up getting plastic surgery with huge boobs/lips. He gets plastic surgery to look like an “asian” (aka short black bowl cut with huge teeth and pulled eyes, more Asian cartoon style) and a face tattoo of a dick jizzing in his mouth. It wasn’t even a clever idea.
10. Terrence Howard is the coach of a black basketball who’s about to play a white team. There are racial stereotype jokes.
Then it’s revealed that Quaid and Kinnear were just making a movie about someone pitching a movie. The credits role, but there’s another random clip after them. It’s unclear why this wasn’t included as one of the other story lines. At this point I was so miserable and considering demanding my money back that I dozed in and out of consciousness.
11. Josh Duhamel owns a cartoon cat and Elizabeth Banks is his girlfriend. The cat is evil, motions that he is going to kill Banks and they fight. She runs into the street, the cat drives a car over her so she gets up and hits him with a shovel on the lawn of a kid’s party.
Basically, don’t waste your money on this film. The only thing to look forward to is when it’s over because then you don’t have to watch it anymore.
Props go to Greg Kinnear for always being a great actor, Hugh Jackman for wearing prosthetic hairy balls on his neck, J.B. Smoove for delivering some of the only funny lines in the film, Chris Pratt for getting covered in shit, and Kieran Culkin for always being weird/creepy but also kind of attractive.
The best I can do here is 1 star, meaning “only to be watched if being forced at gunpoint,” and really, you might want to take the bullet instead.