Reviews, Theatrical Reviews — March 14, 2016 at 3:00 pm

NEW RELEASE REVIEW: DEADPOOL

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deadpool-posterHi there, um, what is it he calls you, stargazers? Yeah, that’s about as clever as a one-piece jigsaw puzzle. Anyways. If you haven’t noticed it’s your friendly neighborhood merc with a mouth here on this VERY special day. That’s right. It’s been a whole month of weekends since my film debuted. It’s time for us to celebrate, or it should be, except there’s a metric ton of you steaming assbags out in the world who haven’t carved out a couple hours to join me in my little bit of movie mayhem.

No, don’t go looking around. I’m talking to you specifically Mr. Lazypants. MILF contributor, and total MILF himself, Wayne was “kind” enough to let me use his password –hint it starts with “ryan” and ends with “reynolds,” with “heart” in between, awww– to address all you blown-out vaginas sitting on your couch watching not-my-movie or Heaven forbid X-Men Origins: Wolverine!  *dry heaves*

And if you’ve managed to get a bootleg of Deadpool for home viewing, there’s a special place in Hell for you and it’s called  Unicorn Island and let me tell you, it’s not filled with inspirational Canadian youtubers…or maybe it is. What’s wrong with going to the theater? Abrams herded you nerfs in droves when he awakened his force. I’m looking for those number people. Get with it already!

We set it up for a win. I mean, Ryan Reynolds is playing Wade Wilson, aka me, nothing wrong with that hunk of man flesh. Plus Morena Baccarin plays Wade’s special lady friend, Vanessa. The two of them make for one helluva slap-happy time, especially when seen on the glory of the big screen. Just thinking about that double shot of eye candy during their holiday sex montage has me typing with one hand – pardon the tpyos pro favor.

Deadpool is about way more than the combined hotness of Captain Excellent and Inara Serra. I also do some killing, and I mean a lot of killing. I forget my guns and ammo, but who doesn’t love a challenge. And speaking of challenged, my nemesis Francis aka Ajax is one tough nutjob to crack. Ed Skrein does a bang up job playing the douchefart, some of you may recognize him as Daario Naharis from Game of Thrones before he was not so subtly replaced. We got him making the sex appeal of Deadpool hotter than a smoking muzzle. Skrein and Reynolds get into some tussles, mostly non-sexual which you won’t want to miss.

I’m not going to lie to you though, the studio cheaped out on the special effects at times. Probably figured I wasn’t a bankable character like ol’ sideburns. Plus they only sprung for two supporting X-Men and one supporting villain, and Mystique wasn’t any of them. – Romijn or Jlaw, I wouldn’t have been picky. My tongue would have been blue for most of the shoot, but that’s what the mask is for, am I right?

A few cut corners aside, Deadpool is pretty damned enjoyable if I do say so myself. Action, Comedy, Sex and of course Stan Lee. To all of those who’ve been dragging their Cro-mag knuckles, I’m simply asking you plop your marshmallowy asses into the closest theater seat you can find and enjoy a simple superhero movie before the Big Boys of Summer start rolling out their plot-laden borefests. Do it, or I’ll ride a bitch’s back like Yoda on Luke. (See you’re already missing out!)

Oh, and a special thank you to Wayne for letting me stop by. Chimichangas are on me next time, promise!

♥♥♥♥

– You may be wondering, “Why only 4 hearts Mr. Pool?” Well, we are our own worst critics, but really, that Ribbed-For-No-One’s-Pleasure Boy Scout ruined a perfectly good Gina Carano boob shot. So infuriating! I even saw ol’ X himself hop out of his seat in outrage (Stewart, not McAvoy).

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