ZERO DARK THIRTY TO RE-RELEASE AS MUSICAL THANKS TO LES MISERABLES

Due out sometime next summer, Zero Dark Thirty will be getting the musical treatment after producers realized singing makes every movie more exciting for audiences. “We want to broaden the fan base,” producer Mark Boal told us with dollar signs in his eyes. “Our goal is to get women everywhere to squee with delight at our movie about the decade-long hunting and killing of Osama bin Laden by Navy S.E.A.L. Team 6.”

Director Kathryn Bigelow is less-than-enthused about the project, but she seems willing to look on the bright side of things. “It wasn’t my idea, but you know what? I think this will finally shut Bret Easton Ellis up. He thinks I’m overrated because I’m hot, but he’ll get to see my versatility as a director after it’s all said and done. Also, he can kiss my ass. Talk about overrated…American Psycho was like over a decade ago!”

According to Boal, some of the cast and locations of Les Miserables will be making an appearance in Zero Dark Thirty in order to bolster name-recognition. “We just want to give the story even more of an Oscars feel to it. Osama bin Laden will be getting his own solo where he laments the tragedy that is his life.”

We’re still not sure if continuity will suffer in this adaptation

But who doesn’t want to hear bin Laden sing tenor?

Will the musical resonate with moviegoers, or will the obvious cash-grab not sit well with smarter viewers? Only time will tell, but any reason to have more Jessica Chastain on the big screen can’t be a bad one.