Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to build a cinematic universe. It’s a lot like Lego really. Once you’ve finished building something and it looks like crap, just smash it all down again and try again using the same pieces a couple of years later. God knows it worked for Spider-Man…
As we reach our 30th edition here at Film School Friday, I thought it was about time all you loyal readers (hi again mum) are rewarded with a prize, something that you will take away and cherish for the rest of your days here on earth… The title was probably a give away for those of you who can read, but yes, that’s right guys. It’s time for… ANOTHER END OF TERM QUIZ!
Loyal Reader – “Oh my god, really?”
Me – “Yeah seriously. That’s how much I love you guys!”
Loyal Reader – “I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and I’m beyond excited to see how much knowledge I can remember from the previous fourteen editions of Film School Friday.”
Me – “That’s awesome, but wait. There’s more…”
Loyal Reader – “Gasp!”
Me – “For every question you answer correctly, I will spare your life.”
Loyal Reader – “Wow… errr….”
Me – “Wait, come back! Everyone, sharpen your pencils, pick holes in your rubbers and get your paper airplanes ready for today’s lesson.”
Lesson #30 – End of Term Quiz
The quiz will work like this; Each question will relate to a previous edition of Film School Friday and will have three possible answers. For each correct answer you give, you will receive one point. The answers will be revealed at the end of the quiz. Once you’ve tallied your score, please tell me what you got in the comment section below. Now remember, participation is mandatory… but prizes are not. Lucky for you then that the winner will instead receive the respect and adoration of my million plus readership.
Now don’t think of this as a test to check whether any of you have actually bothered to read any of the previous articles in this feature. Think of it as a way to prove your superior knowledge over your fellow film lovers and revel in your own brilliance. Cheating will result in a lifetime ban from Film School Friday Quizzes, so think very carefully before you do so. I’m not saying I have surveillance on each and every one of you but I was one of the Spy Kids growing up so…
Oh and good luck!
1. To ruin Christmas, what do you need to do to Santa Claus?
a) Cast Tim Allen in a movie version of his life… and then do it again… and again…
b) Buy him an Adam Sandler box set and watch the tears fall.
c) Booby trap your house and kill him ‘Home Alone’ style.
2. What should you do with your partner a week before New Years Eve?
a) Celebrate Christmas to blend in with the rest of the humans.
b) Break up with your partner a week before December 31st just so you can reunite with them dramatically on New Years Eve.
c) Drink plenty of milk. That stomach isn’t going to line itself!
3. How do you become a successful actor like Nicolas Cage?
a) Say yes to every single film ever offered to you, even if you have to pretend to urinate fire on screen.
b) Perform a brain lobotomy on yourself with nothing but a small mirror and a rusty scalpel.
c) Do a ‘Freaky Friday’ and swap bodies with him… presumably on a Friday that is unusually freaky.
4. How do you make a terrible superhero movie?
a) Cast Ben Affleck in every role…twice.
b) Invite Brett Ratner to complete your superhero trilogy.
c) Make Tobey Maguire dance with an emo haircut.
5. What is the inevitable consequence if cats can bring the dead back to life?
a) The death of all mice. Stuart Little better watch his back. That’s all I’m saying…
b) Cats and zombies become the best of friends, feasting on the corpses of dogs and humans alike.
c) The streets would be full to the brim with cat lady corpses screeching about their love of cats at the top of their lungs.
6. How do you stop birds from ruining your outside birthday party?
a) Feed the birds rice and watch them explode like natures party poppers.
b) Go indoors…..
c) Call up Godzilla. If he can put the smack down on giant bat reptile things then that pigeon is going doooooown!
7. What should you do if your lover serves you pate and pretends that it’s actually your dead dog?
a) Eat it anyway. Protein is protein, right?
b) Kill your actual dog and feed it to them. That will make them think twice…
c) Go bat shit cray cray on their asses!
8. What’s the easiest way to win an Oscar?
a) Be Meryl Streep
b) Be Meryl Streep
c) Errrrrrrr… be Meryl Streep?
9. How is director M. Night Shyamalan like the fictional character Benjamin Button?
a) He’s like Benjamin Button, but instead of regressing in age, he regresses in skill.
b) He’s like Benjamin Button, but instead of regressing in age, he regresses in talent.
c) He’s like Benjamin Button, but instead of regressing in age, he regresses in intelligence.
10. What is the only acceptable thing to scream during a public cinema screening?
a) “What’s that giant spider shaped thing crawling across your face?”
b) “How is Michael Bay still allowed to make movies?”
c) “Why don’t they provide diapers at the entrance?”
11. Why do Aztec spirits trapped in statues perform body swaps between teenage boys and girls?
a) The question you should probably be asking yourself is why would they not?
b) Museums are boring places to hang out. Night At The Museum is just propaganda, PROPAGANDA I TELL YOU!
c) To educate arguing teenagers on gender differences.
12. Why should sequels avoid rehashing the plot of the first film again?
a) Cinema-goers actually have something called a memory.
b) The Hangover was great, but no one needs to see the same bloody film three times in a row. We get it, Bradley Cooper is hot!
c) Just no.
13. Why did a background extra unzip her trousers at the end of the Teen Wolf movie?
a) Sometimes you’ve just got to air it out, right? Just me? Guys?
b) Someone had to make the movie at least vaguely watchable and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be Michael J.Fox!
c) To have one fleeting moment of fame forever immortalized on film.
14. What will happen to Avatar 3 and 4 if number 2 is a pile of crap?
a) James Cameron will cackle maniacally as he dives into his ridiculous pile of money… like he does every night.
b) Each sequel will be churned out by the studios regardless.
c) The movie geeks will rise up and revolt, resulting in the death of… no one. Movie geeks are slower than the average human being and are easy to fend off.
15. Did any of you actually bother reading this far?
b) Of course. I consume every word you say with a creepy fanatical fascination.
c) Who knows at this point. I’m still wrecked from last weekend.
Well done for successfully completing the quiz. Life should have meaning for you once again! Scroll down for the answers. Oh, and here’s a picture of a tiny dog in a cup to keep you interested during the scrolling process.
And the answers are;
If you got less than five right, you should just stop breathing right now.
If you answered between six and ten questions correctly, you need to go and watch every Adam Sandler film in a row, from beginning to end, forwards and backwards. When the men in white coats come to take you away, tell them that David sent you!
Finally, if you managed to answer more than ten correctly, then congratulations! You may live another day…
If by some miracle you got every single question right, then maybe you should consider using your abilities to form a team of outcasts who pursue a dream of co-existence with the humans.
Thank you everyone who took part in my mandatory quiz this week and don’t forget to post your scores below! The winner will receive the kind of self esteem that money just can’t buy. If that’s not enough though, come back in two weeks to learn how to get the perfect haircut. I’m not saying you could use the advice, but…