Everything Else, Film School Friday — August 1, 2014 at 3:00 am




Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to make the perfect movie soundtrack. However, if you just ignored my advice and wrote a Justin Bieber jukebox musical, then I am judging you and I am judging you hard. Saying that though, it could be fun to watch an arrogant douchebag constantly embarrass himself on the big screen… Ok, I know you’re thinking that now would be a prime time to insult someone like Shia Labeouf, but I’m not going to do it. I’m better than that… (fingers shaking as he restrains the need to point out anything Labeouf has done in the last ten years).

Anyway… don’t waste your summer watching arrogant actors make dumb movies. Even if we don’t have the long stretched out summer vacation school kids get, working adults still deserve some downtime during the long days and nights. The problem is, it’s easy to let the days slip by until before you know it, October has rolled round and your skin is still pastier than that freaky ass guy from Pans Labyrinth who had eyeballs in his hands. Don’t worry though guys. We still have August, so make some sangria, grab the suntan lotion and lock the kids in a cupboard as we prepare for today’s lesson.

Adventureland Jesse EisenbergLesson #34 – How To Make The Most Of Your Summer Vacation

Poor Jesse Eisenberg. In the movie Adventureland, his character planned to tour Europe for summer vacation, but when his funds dried up, the poor bastard was forced to work a summer job at an amusement park AND endure a romance with Kristen Stewart. Luckily, I’m here to help you avoid that nightmarish hell with some expert tips on how to make the most of your summer vacation.

Be Productive

Working is not productive. Working is soul destroying. Instead, why don’t you consider using your time more wisely and make an amateur zombie movie? The kids in Super 8 gave it a go and… well, they did end up fighting off an alien who looked like Julia Roberts without make up, but you can’t say that their summer was boring… right? We could also learn a thing or two from the children in Stand By Me, who certainly made the most of their vacation by hiking along the local rail line to find a dead body. Some of you may question whether that’s a healthy activity for young boys to partake in, but what else were they going to do in 1959? Read a book? Converse with friends? Spin a hoop down a dirt road? It must have been like the fricking Dark Ages…

graduate Mrs RobinsonBow Chicka Wow Wow

Even though we’re fortunate these days to have things like smart phones to stave off boredom, movies have taught us that technology is no substitute for certain risque activities… unless you’ve seen the movie Her of course. You know what I’m saying… Anyway, it’s official. Summer is the time for loving. Whether you hook up with an older partner ‘Mrs Robinson style’ or explore your sexuality through random encounters, summer is the time to do it, because it’s not like you’re sweaty enough already…

Stay Alive

However, none of this information will help you if you’re not careful. If you only take one piece of advice from today’s lesson, it’s that you should try not to die. It may sound obvious, but summer camps WILL be terrorized by hockey mask wearing psychopaths, swimming in the ocean WILL lead to death by shark and quiet remote getaways WILL make you squeal like a pig! Believe what you want, but more people die during summer vacation than in all of the Quentin Tarantino movies COMBINED! And you can’t argue with those kind of statistics…

JawsSo what do you take from this? Do you just stay inside forever avoiding all the summer loving psychopaths or do you throw yourself into life and hope for the best? Two things;

First, just do what the kids in Dazed and Confused do and get wasted. It’s the safer, healthier option.

Secondly, don’t watch Cliff Richard’s Summer Holiday. Ever. Just don’t do it. I know you’ll be tempted because it’s a British classic and it has the word ‘summer’ in the title, but no. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you’ve gotta risk somewhere dangerous like Camp Crystal Lake then fair play, but under no circumstances should Cliff Richard ever be a part of your summer vacation… unless of course you own one of his calendars and it’s the beginning of a new month. Then that makes total sense.

Thanks for stopping by loyal readers. Remember to come back in two weeks time for more film based hilarity… Yes, that’s right. Hilarity. Yeah, I said it… Don’t question me!

Tags AdventurelandFilm School FridayjawsThe Graduate