Everything Else, TGITDNMAR — July 1, 2015 at 7:27 am

TGITDNMAR: (7/3/15)


This week’s edition of TGITDNMAR is posting on the 26th Wednesday of 2015 (I counted). There are 52 Wednesdays this year (also counted), which means, as I’m sure all of you mathematically inclined folks have already figured out, this is the halfway mark for TGITDNMAR in 2015. What does that mean? Well, nothing really. The year is about half over though, so we can start to look back at 2015 a little. So far we’ve had three movies (Furious 7, Avengers: Age of Ultron, and Jurassic World) crack the all-time worldwide top ten at the box office (for those wondering, they currently rank fourth, fifth, and eighth respectively, although Jurassic World is sure to end up passing the other two). By comparison, 2014 had zero movies in the all-time top ten. 2015 is also on pace to become the highest grossing year ever, thanks in large part to the previously mentioned blockbusters. I’ve made this point before in this space, but it’s worth making again – people are going to the movies. A lot. In an age of increased access to titles at home and TV shows dominating the pop culture landscape, going to the movies is as popular as ever. Hooray!

This week’s releases don’t inspire much confidence, but there are plenty of solid options currently in theaters if you fancy going to the movies over the holiday weekend. Everyone else apparently does:

Magic Mike XXL (released Wednesday, 7/1)Magic_mike_xxl

2012’s Magic Mike was made for $7 million. It grossed slightly over $167 million worldwide. So this summer Channing Tatum and company return for another half-naked adventure. The premise? Who cares!? There are oiled up, half-naked men to see! One character is named Big Dick Richie. You do not care at all about this movie’s plot. Just know that this time, it’ll be extra, extra large. Just like their penises.

That’s kind of unfortunate too, because the first film was a legitimately interesting, quality piece of character based filmmaking. I don’t think anyone is confusing it for high end cinema, and there’s no doubting the appeal of that was also seeing half-naked, ripped men gyrating onstage, but that doesn’t change the fact that director Steven Soderbergh infused the film with a lot more artistic flair than it probably deserved. Of course, that movie ends with Mike leaving the strip game, and the sequel sees him returning to it. Because of course it does! You can’t make a Magic Mike sequel that shows what would realistically happen to an ex-stripper! This isn’t some artsy-fartsy independent film, after all. Money needs to be made! Abs need to be shown! The unlikely possibility of full frontal male nudity in a Hollywood film needs to be present!

Pete’s chances of seeing this in theaters: 6% (or inches, hiyooo!) – Seriously, these movies are about male strippers. Give the ladies what they want and show some fucking dicks! It’s only fair.

Terminator: Genisys (released Wednesday, 7/1)Terminator_Genisys

Look, if you can keep track of the convoluted timeline of the Terminator series, you’re a more attentive movie-watcher than I. It probably doesn’t do me any favors that I’ve only seen the third and fourth entries one time each. Of course, the third and fourth entries aren’t doing the Terminator series any favors, either. Terminator 2: Judgement Day came out in 1991. That means it’s been almost 25 years since we’ve had an entry in this series worth seeing. That’s, umm, not good. Especially since they continue making these movies. After this movie comes and goes, chances are most of the Terminator series won’t be good, either.

I’m not going to bother with telling you what this movie is about. Here’s the trailer if you just absolutely need to know, but I’d caution against that if you want to be surprised by anything that happens in the film. That’s because the trailer completely ruins the big plot twist, hence the lack of plot summary in this preview. It’s pretty absurd. Arnold is back this time around, however. He’s joined by Emilia Clarke (looking eerily like Linda Hamilton) as Sarah Conner and Jason Clarke as John Conner. The pair is related onscreen only.

Pete’s chances of seeing this in theaters: 3% – I’ve seen a few previews for this movie where James Cameron (director of the first two) “promises” the audience they’ll like the new movie if they liked his movies. He thinks of this as the third entry in the series. I think of this as desperation on the part of Paramount.  

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