THE ACADEMY AWARDS LIVE BLOG EXTRAVAGANZA

Well we are one hour away from the beginning of the 84th Annual Academy Awards!

This year, you have two treats to look forward to… Billy Crystal returns to host the award show and I return to the Oscar Live Blogging frontier for the first time since 2007 when I hosted one on my old personal blog, A Rambler’s Rambling. It’s not too shabby, but I think this year is going to be even better, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I will enjoy writing for you!

Keep refreshing for the most current opinions/jokes/comments from yours truly… and happy viewing!..

Here we go!

5:25… So we are about to start and here’s the jist from the pre-game Red Carpet business: George Clooney is awesome, Nick Nolte wants to be Jack Nicholson, and Brian Grazer is really excited to be producing the Oscars. You know, the usual.

5:28… There’s not enough money in the world to get me to see Mirror, Mirror. The girlfriend, sitting next to me for this grand event, summed up her thoughts on Julia Roberts in the Snow White pic very briefly: the verbal equivalent of the middle finger. She’s awesome.

5:30… It’s go time! Good luck Billy!

5:32… Gotta say…so far so good.

5:33… Never mind. Bieber.

5:34… There’s my boy! Any time Tom Cruise is around, I’m a happy person.

5:35… Hopefully we just got paid for that mention! “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.” is our slogan!

5:36… Tails aren’t in Billy. Not sure if they really were the LAST time you hosted for that matter!

5:38… I think I need to pace myself. Much like Billy and his James Earl Jones impression.

5:42… Nice to see Billy singing again. He’s one talented dude. But you already knew that.

5:43… The seat-filler guy has been doing this for 59 years. That’s also when he bought that tux! Wow that hurt to look at, especially doing what I do…

5:44… Hugo wins for Best Cinematography and Art Direction. Still want to check that out… On a side note, (kind of) I met Phil Meheux a few weeks ago at work. Great guy. He’s the cinematographer of films such as Casino Royale, The Mask of Zorro, and Goldeneye, among others. Also, The Smurfs. Because hey, we all gotta pay the mortgage!

5:47… First commercial break! (Ok, I promise to slow down a bit…)

5:51… And our first montage! Who had 21 minutes in as the first one of these?

5:54… J. Lo (showing maybe just the hint of a nipple?) discussing the way a dress should make you look like a lady. Is that what they call “situational irony”?

5:58… How many drinks has Cameron Diaz had? Enough to make her think putting her ass next to J. Lo’s was a good idea.

6:00… We get it. Actors are just like us and watch movies too. By the way, what’s the over/under on the length of this bad boy? Four hours? Oh, and why is Adam Sandler doing anything remotely related to the Oscars? Did Brian Grazer lose a bet to him?

6:06… I don’t think Sandra Bullock is funny. I  like her much better when she’s driving a bus that can’t go less than 55 MPH.

6:10… Nice to see Christian Bale back in his Prestige hair. Such an underrated movie, by the way…

6:12… And here comes the love for The Help…

6:13… See?

6:14… I’m sorry. Why are we doing the standing O?

6:22… Focus groups are funny. See?

6:26… Film editing Oscar goes to Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Sound editing to Hugo. I’d give an Oscar to whoever would be able to edit Bradley Cooper’s mustache off of my screen.

6:28… Nice to see Shia get his time on-screen while screaming like a little girl. As I’m writing that, the GF says “Who do you cast when you need someone to scream like a little girl?” Great minds think alike.

6:30… Hugo is straight killing it right now. I know The Artist is the favored film for the big awards but never ever count out Martin Scorsese…

6:35… The Muppets!!! Fun fact: I rented Kermit his tuxedo! #NotTrueButIWishItWas #HashtagUsageWhileNotOnTwitter

6:37… So… this is cool. More jumping and twirling please!

6:40… Not that Cirque du Soleil needed the help selling tickets or anything… but that was pretty damn awesome.

6:43… Robert Downey Jr. is funny. And will always be funny. That is all.

6:45… And the first bleep of the night comes in a little over an hour in. Congratulations Documentary winner guys…

6:47… My first frustration of the night: I loved Kung Fu Panda 2. Bummer…

6:50… I think it’s interesting that they’re promoting Brave without letting us hear the script… Not promising for Pixar…

6:53… I once started a hashtag on Twitter saying simply #EmmaStoneWillYouMarryMe – - The offer still stands.

6:56… Rise of the Planet of the Apes should have won as a consolation for Andy Serkis not getting a Supporting Actor nomination… Damn, Hugo. Want to leave anything for the rest of the movies out there?

6:59… And yet another one of those sure-things. Christopher Plummer FTW.

7:00… Pretty sure Nick Nolte gargles each morning with metal screws and nails.

7:01… I guess we are doing the Standing Ovation for all the acting awards. I don’t remember this happening in Oscars past…

7:09… Billy Crystal agrees with me on Nick Nolte.

7:11… I’m really glad Billy got out of the tails tuxedo. Welcome to the 21st century, sir!

7:14… I know I’m not alone in this thinking, but I feel the need to voice my opinion anyway, and beware, it’s about to get a little PG-13 up in here… The Academy Awards is Hollywood flexing in the mirror and getting aroused by itself. In front of millions of people. For four hours…

7:17… And the winners for most occasionally funny and frustratingly so (you guys can be so funny!!!) are Will Ferrell and Zach Galifinakis (no I don’t know how to spell his name)… They were funny there. And they’ve both been very funny in the past. But man, they can be the exact opposite sometimes too (See: Due Date and Land of the Lost)

7:20… Go MUPPETS!!!

7:25… You’re way too skinny

7:26… Seriously, though, Angie… Eat something.

7:27… Those were not very good depictions of what makes one an Oscar-nominated screenplay. But I do love me some screenplays…

7:29… That’ll be me one day. Best Original Screenplay… Justin Gott, Life 101.

7:30… Can I accept the Oscar on behalf of Woody Allen? Seriously, you can’t show up? What could you possibly be doing right now? Actually, on second thought… don’t answer that, Woody.

7:32… More Adam Sandler. Awesome. #UsedToBeFunny #OrWasHe

7:38… Gotta love penis jokes. No, seriously. You gotta love em. Because they’re always funny.

7:42… I swear, the amount of women who just need to freaking EAT A SANDWICH in this town is so high! We like when you eat, women. It’s true. And if he says “Stop eating” or “You’re not thin enough” then you need to stand up and leave this individual in your dust… Ok, I’m off my soap box now.

7:50… Like I said in my Haywire review, it’s great to see a healthy Michael Douglas. Also, I think Scorsese takes this one down…

7:53… Sorry, Marty.

7:55… Super dedicated hoarder sounds way too much like super dedicated whore. I’m just saying.

8:03… In Memoriam time.

8:04… Who wins the clap-off? (He said, hoping he doesn’t get struck by lightning for being insensitive)…

8:07… I guess we’ll never know! When did they take off the live audio from the Kodak during that section of the show? Hmm.. maybe they caught wind of our insensitive betting patterns!

8:10… Ashley Judd says that she is just a mother looking for her son in the new show “The Missing”. Is this son 30-years-old? #FeelLikeSheIsOld

8:12… That montage-thingy had Tom Cruise, Ed Norton, and Patton Oswalt. Despite it’s unnecessary nature, I loved that one because of them!

8:13… New hashtag I just created: #NataliePortmanWillYouMarryMe

8:14… One more: #GeorgeClooneyWillYouMarryMe

8:16… It’s between Jean Jean (what I’m calling him) and Clooney. Sorry, Bradley, I don’t think you’ve got a chance in this one.

8:18… ALTHOUGH, I find it funny that they showed the same scene for Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt. That was the best scene in the movie. The rest was just average to slightly above average but that scene was gold.

8:19… Congratulations Jean Jean.

8:21… Jeff Bridges is not a Hyundai. The Dude would not approve.

8:24… Remember that whole flexing in the mirror and getting aroused thing? Yeah, that’s what this whole thing is. (Just show the scene and give em the award!)

8:25… I was not a huge fan of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It was really tough to watch and very hard to follow for someone who had no book or original movie experience. But Rooney Mara was very good in that role.

8:29… Pretty sure everyone got that one wrong. Congrats to Meryl Streep, who I still see as Susan Orlean in Adaptation. and will forever thank her for that performance.

8:32… Are we going to wrap this up in barely over 3 hours?!?! Really?!?!

8:33… We are all winners because we get to watch Tom Cruise a bit more…

8:34… This was a rough year for movies, because these nine films is several too many. Let’s just go back to five and call it a day, thanks.

8:35… Final prediction: The Artist

8:36… And the Oscar goes to… The Artist. Now, I still haven’t seen it, so take this for what you will, but it still feels like this was a gimmicky result from a year devoid of a true Best Picture. Congratulations to that group of filmmakers because they deserve the recognition above everything else, but I for one hope that 2012 is a better year for the movies.

8:39… And that’s it! 3 hours, 9 minutes all told. I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing!

Until later…