JASON’S TEN HORROR MOVIES I SAW FROM 2012

Much like last year, I didn’t watch a lot of horror movies in theaters. I normally watch older stuff and catch up on the newer stuff on DVD. Plus, the future wife isn’t a fan of them and she’s really the only way I get to movie theaters nowadays.

*cough*

Anyway, this means, yet again, I’ve only seen EXACTLY 10 horror movies from 2012. And 9 of them I liked. I had to put in the 10th to round out the list. I kinda didn’t wanna put it but, y’know, things NEED to be exact!

“Can I just do a Top 9 List, Kai and Dylan?”

“NO!!! THAT WOULD FUCK EVERYTHING UP!! TOP TEN OR YOU’RE FINISHED, SOTO!!! NOW GET OUT AND GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN!”

Yeah, I dunno why I picture them both has J. Jonah Jameson but whatever. ON WITH THE LIST!

10. ATM

This is the movie that I wasn’t a fan of. The only thing I kinda gave credit to was the ending, but that was after thinking about it for awhile. The film is about three people, two drunk dudes and the 10 from “She’s Outta My League”, are locked in an ATM on Christmas Eve or something and a serial killer is outside, tormenting them. Yeah, it sounds like the plot to a short film but they managed to drag this out for an hour and a half. Like I said, the only thing that was interesting was the ending, which I won’t spoil. But I can’t recommend it cause I don’t want you guys to be bored.

9. The Devil Inside

I LOVE me some found footage movies and one about a possession sounded interesting to me. I was on board for the entire movie until two moments in the movie: when the camera guy HAD to go along with the priest to a PRIVATE baptism and the ending, which was so fucking abrupt I thought David Chase wrote it. Overall, I liked it and it felt somewhat real. I will admit that I find possession to be a scary topic, so this movie kinda fucked me up a bit. I can see how it wouldn’t be for everybody though.

8. Sand Sharks

Ok, stay with me. Brooke Hogan (Hulk Hogans daughter) is a shark scientist and-HEY WHERE YOU GOING! Sit back down! She’s a shark scientist who is called to a small town on an island because their beaches have literal SAND sharks and-GET BACK HERE!!! Ok, it’s not an Oscar worthy movie but god damn it it’s entertaining in it’s stupidness. I had fun with it, alright?!

7. Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Oh The Asylum…we have such a love/hate relationship. Of ALL the movies to cash in on…but I will give the movie this much: the guy who played Lincoln was fucking awesome! He was a REAL good actor, which surprised me. The plot? Do you see the title? Throw in John Wilkes Booth and Teddy Roosevelt and you got an awesome time on your hands!

6. The Woman In Black

Harry Potter & The Haunted House? Daniel Radcliffe tries to shy away from what’s made him famous and takes on an ambitious role of a guy who’s suppose to be a FATHER (weird, huh?) who is also a lawyer and he must sell this haunted house, so he spends time there. Some confusing things happen but the whole movie has a great creepy vibe and I’ll admit I enjoyed it. Probably won’t watch it again but it was enjoyable.

5. The Haunting of Whaley House

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the guy who made this movie AND he hooked me up with a free copy. But even if I seen this on my own AND didn’t know the dude, I would like this movie. It’s a great little “stuck in an haunted house” movie even if some parts were a bit cheesy. Knowing Jose though, I’m sure those moments were done on purpose, so just stick with it and enjoy the ride!

4. Silent Night

A supposed “remake”, I actually quite liked this movie, even if I thought they took the source material too seriously. The characters were interesting and the kills were awesome! The woodchipper scene alone, man. Oh man…

3. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

Talk about an idea that came out of fucking NOWHERE! Big props to whoever thought this idea up. It’s a great one! And the guy who played Lincoln here was pretty great as well. I know people who seemed to hate this movie but I’m not sure where the hate came from. Of course I have the ability to turn off my brain and enjoy a mindless flick but that’s just me.

2. V/H/S

I felt like being a dick and putting this at number 1, but the one story about the honeymooners or whatever prevented me from doing so. Outside of that story, I fuckin’ LOVED LOVED LOVED this entire movie. I said that horror movies need to shy away from this stupid PG-13 shit and this movie sort of started that trend. Now, horror movies are suddenly growing balls again and it’s about fucking time. And of course I buy the damn thing on Blu-Ray and it’s on Netflix Instant the next day. Oh well, now you don’t have an excuse to see it if you haven’t.

1. The Cabin In The Woods

Of course this is number 1. This movie was pretty much a deconstruction of the horror genre and it did it so well! The only downside is I’m not a Josh Wheadon fan boy and I think the ones who are hyped up this movie a bit TOO much. Being an outsider of all of that I will say it’s a great fucking movie and it’s best to go into this as cold as possible.

Well, that’s it. Hopefully this year I will get to watch more NEW horror films. I know the Evil Dead remake is coming out this year and it actually looks good. So yay for that?

Uh…we here at Man I Love Films don’t do defensive lists or something. Meaning, this is all my fucking opinion and if you have a problem with that, you can take it up with me in the comments!

-Jason