I often don’t get to review horror movies in theaters (thanks to the future wife, who doesn’t like horror movies). But this time I made an exception because I been wanting to see this fucking movie FOREVER! It’s a found footage movie AND an anthology film?! Two of my favorite sub-genres!
So what’s V/H/S? Here’s the basic set up. There’s a group of four guys who I don’t think even had names. They like filming themselves destroying property and going up to random girls, ripping their shirts off, exposing their tits. Apparently they sell the tit footage for money. One guy, who’ll I’ll just call The ‘Stache, tells the guys he got a job offer to sneak into some old guys house and find a videotape. Since it’ll pay well, they agree to do it.
Upon arriving at the house, they find the old guy is dead and a shit ton of videotapes. While looking around, one guy decides to watch one tape.
TAPE #1: BEN FOLDS & THE DRAGON LADY
This was an interesting story because the footage comes from those spy glasses that look like regular eyeglasses. I guess these guys used it to be worn while fucking a girl. Anyway, the guy wearing them reminded me of Ben Folds. Like…a lot! Anyway, the beginning of this story (and the beginning of every story really) is typical found footage stuff with the guys acting like douchebags and going to clubs, picking up women. At one club, Ben Folds meets a very strange girl who I think I would find attractive if she didn’t act so damn creepy.
Anyway, the guys take Creepy chick and another hot chick back to their hotel room and one guy tries to score with the hot chick but she passes out. Only because two other guys are in the room with him, he pretends to have honor and not do anything else but you know if it was just him and her he would hit that shit. Anyway, he moves on to the creepy chick and she gets into it, wanting to have a three-way. But then things get….interesting.
SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS STORY: ……. the creepy girl is actually some, I guess, dragon lady? (Turns out she’s a succubus. I didn’t pick up on this while I was watching it.) I’m assuming? She suddenly gets all scaly and starts munching on the other two dudes. She seems to really love Ben Folds, but he’s too creeped out to love her back, or at least pretend to love her back, so this pisses her off and she drags him off into the night. The end.
TAPE #2: BLAND COUPLE TAKES A VACATION
Two of the most white boring people on the face of the planet decide to take a vacation to the Grand Canyon. They get a hotel room, mess with the camera for a bit, go to one of those gimmicky psychic boxes like in Big (which was referenced in the movie) and gets a fortune but that doesn’t go anywhere. And then things get creepy.
While both people are sleeping, a mysterious person picks up the camera and watches them sleep. I gotta tell you, I find shit like this creepy and it got to me. The person just rubs up on both people, then they stick the guys toothbrush in the toilet.
SPOILER ALERT FOR TAPE #2:…. the mysterious person was the wife’s lesbian lover? And they kill the husband? Ok, this is the story I had the most problem with. One, it’s not explained how the lover got into the hotel room when they clearly showed her locking the door. Two, where the fuck did this come from? They didn’t build on this at all. They both seemed happy, even if they were both bland. I dunno, this was the one story I wasn’t a fan of.
TAPE #3: SLENDER: THE MOVIE
I don’t really know how to set this up. Take any random horror movie that happens in the woods, but have a pretty creepy killer. Oh and one of the hot girls is in on the whole thing. Spoiler? Maybe. I can’t explain this one but I did like what they did with it. I could say this is the movie version of the popular online game “Slender”. Y’know, anytime Slender shows up the screen gets all crazy and when he’s near, things get intense. I love someone made a movie version of this. Although it’s probably a good thing they didn’t turn this story into an hour and a half cause it could get annoying, but here it was just right.
TAPE #4: THE HAUNTED APARTMENT
(Apparently I was wrong about this whole god damn story. I haven’t seen it a second time yet but I stand by my assumption that I make in the next paragraph.)
The ending to this story made no sense to me. I will talk about it, but here’s the set up. The entire footage is from a Skype session. A dude is talking to his girlfriend over the internet and she keeps telling him she’s hearing weird shit at night and things keep happening to her. The guy doesn’t believe her at first until he clearly sees a ghost child run through. The girl has a weird thing in her arm and she keeps wanting to dig into it. Anyway, one night she decides to confront the ghosts but then…
SPOILER ALERT FOR TAPE #4: …….the boyfriend is in on it? And he’s helping the ghost kids? By giving them the girls unborn child? I didn’t really understand it. But that’s what happens.
So at this point I thought it was over. Four stories is surely enough. And in between each tape, we get the four guys running around the house and somewhat creepy things are happening in the back.
SPOILER ALERT FOR THE STUFF IN BETWEEN…… the old guy isn’t really dead. He might be a zombie. Maybe. But he kills all the guys. And just when I thought it was over, we get one more tape, somehow.
TAPE #5: HALLOWEEN
Not that Halloween. Anyway, ANOTHER group of guys all get ready to go to a Halloween party at some old house. They arrive at the house and find it’s empty. Ghosts show up now and then, but then they hear weird chanting up in the attic. They go up to investigate and find a ritual is taking place, complete with a sacrifice. The guys go save the girl being sacrificed but then….
SPOILER ALERT FOR TAPE #5…..some evil force shows up and starts eating random people. Soon, the house suddenly comes alive, complete with disembodied hands popping out of the walls. They manage to escape the house with the girl but the evil force follows them, trapping them in their car and hey look they stopped on some train tracks…
And that’s it. I loved the ending credits done in the style of an old VHS camera. Overall, I really did enjoy this movie. It was refreshing to watch a horror movie that wasn’t watered down or “safe”. All the filmmakers involved with this movie just went for it and the pay off was excellent. There’s a lot of scares, some tension, and of course lots of tits. I was really happy with the overall outcome. The only complaints I had was a couple of the stories didn’t make sense, there were some minor plot holes, and it did start to feel a bit TOO long since the start of each tape was your typical found footage set up, which normally takes up half the movie, but here it took up half the story. The only one that went quickly was the one in the woods, which is probably my favorite story out of all of them, despite them not showing any tits.
If you love GOOD horror, check it out!